Writing self-forgiveness, in my mind,
is like a chore that I have to push through because of the perceived
difficulty in expressing effectively what is going on within me. I
suppose that because I fear that I am not able to express me
effectively through writing that I have actually manifested
difficulty writing as my actual experience. Then because I actually
experience the manifestation of this fear I become validated within
and as this fear which then compounds and becomes even more ominous
and overwhelming.
I understand more clearly now why a
savior is such a great idea because actually living and applying the
the knowledge and understanding one has acquired is difficult. I
would much rather acquire information and convert it to knowledge and
leave it at that then actually be and live the knowledge as myself –
this is so much easier and hence within this I am supporting religion
and the religious system that exists in this world because that is
what religion is. Jesus, as the savior, will do it for us because we
cannot do it ourselves. What a crock of shit and a total abdication
of self-directiveness this is, yet this is what I am doing myself
when I listen, hear, and understand and do not act. So, that is what
I have been waiting for this whole time – I have been waiting for a
savior to come do it for me because I have developed to much
resistance to actually doing the change myself.
I can also expand this to include
resistance to breathing when I see movement within myself as thoughts
or emotions that come up to any given situation. I am at a point now
where I see and identify thoughts, feelings, and emotions when they
come up yet often times participate in them anyway rather than being
self-directive and just breathing and being here in the physical.
I recognize that when I choose to
participate in thoughts, feelings, emotions, resistances, and any
system demons that I have already identified that I am diminishing
myself and abdicating my self-responsibility and in that am left with
hope that maybe I will get it in the future which is placing my trust
in a future me in separation from myself here which is the same thing
that religious people do in having faith and trust in a savior to do
what they/I refuse to do for oneself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I do not want
to write.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to form a resistance to writing because of my
participation in the thought that I do not want to write.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed the emotion of resistance to writing to exist within and
as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that writing is not 'fun'
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from writing because I have
formed a resistance to it based on my judgment that writing is not
fun and is difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed the thought that writing is difficult to exist within and
as me in separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge my writing as ineffective.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge writing as difficult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make writing into something that is difficult
by accepting and allowing mind-interference in the form of judgments
to exist within and as me as I write and before I write.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to participate in the emotional experience of
anxiety to writing because of the thoughts that I am not good at
writing, that writing is boring, that writing is difficult that I
have to allowed to exist within
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to hinder my writing as an expression of my-self
here in the physical in and as breath because of the thoughts,
feelings, and emotions /energies that I accept and allow to exist
within and as me while I write.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that I would rather do something else
other than write when this is in-fact me existing as the systems
existing within and as me as my pre-programmed existence that would
in fact rather do something else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to abdicate myself to systems at the last minute
just before I site-down and write because I at that last minute
decide to do something else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become bored while writing which causes me to
feel a drive to stop writing and do something else, impulsively.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the resistance to
writing is occurring right now as I write and that this is a system
manifestation that is existing within and as me as I right this
document that I am in the process of releasing as I write at this
moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become bored when writing because of my
participation within the thought that I would rather do something
else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become frustrated with writing because of my
experience with confusing myself while writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become anxious when writing because of my
participation within the thought that I am not able to write
effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become anxious when writing because of my
participation within that that I am not able to express within and as
writing easily.
I forgive myself tat I have accepted
and allowed myself to exist within and as the emotional construct of
laziness because of my unwillingness to push through the resistance
that I have self-created towards writing in that I would rather do
something else that comes much easier.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have created
this entire manifested experience of resistance to writing through my
accepted and allowed resistances, excuses towards writing.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to breath and be here when resistances come up towards
writing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to go into a cycle within my writing where I “push
through” and do a lot of writing and then become worn-out and
resistant to writing for a period of time to 'relax' and 'rest' until
I write again which is the positive/negative cycle of energy within
and as systems – rather than to be here constant as me
self-directing me to do what is necessary to be done to release
myself from my systematic existence in every moment of breath, here.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I develop a
giving-in to self-directive living in every moment of breath that I
am in-fact waiting for a savior to do it for me, to do what I refuse
to do for myself which makes me one and equal with all the religious
of this manifested world of systems.
I forgive myself that I have judged the
religious as lazy, self-deceived, not seeing that I am supporting and
acting as the religious when I see and do not act myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the desire to do something fun in my spare time.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the desire/want to escape to do something fun to exist
within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define writing as not doing something fun in
separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to categorize activities as 'fun' or 'boring' in
separation of myself rather than simply acting in self-interest as
life in every moment of breath here doing what is required to exist
without any participation in systems whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'fun' be defining
it in separation from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to charge the word 'fun' with a positive value.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to judge the word 'fun' as good/positive within my
mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'fun' through
judging the word 'fun' as 'good'/'positive'.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the word 'fun' to doing what come
impulsively to me in my free-time such as playing chess on the
internet, reading and acquiring knowledge and information, eating, -
whatever is easy and natural.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define the word 'fun' within a picture in my mind
of me doing whatever I want impulsively
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define that word 'fun' as an 'orgasmic'
experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that I have to have 'fun' in my 'spare
time' both of which, 'fun' and 'spare-time' are constructs that I
have created and defined in separation of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect a memory of me playing chess just for fun
at my computer to the thought that 'this is what I fun really is and
this is what I want to do with my spare time'.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect memories of me acquiring information and
knowledge to the word 'fun' and to define fun within and as these
memories in separation of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to connect memories of me having sex and
masturbating to the word 'fun'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that I have to be having sex,
masturbating, playing chess, playing music, acquiring knowledge and
information to have 'fun'
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that having 'fun' is a
system that I have created myself in separation of me here as life in
the physical wherein what I have defined as 'fun' exists within my
mind as self-definitions that I have created and manifested within me
as my experience.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my resistance to
writing and my desire to have fun is really me trying to escape my
reality because facing my reality within writing actually means to
face myself and I am not able to escape from myself, because I am
always here with me.
I realize that no matter what activity
I am participating in within this world I am still me and I am still
with me and I still fave to face me – whether I am doing something
that I have defined as fun or not.
I forgive myself that I have created
and manifested a physical resistance to writing wherein I am
uncomfortable, itchy, my muscles feel like they need to move, I
become self-conscious about my stomach sticking out and my posture
and within all of this I am not able to concentrate.
I forgive myself that I have not
allowed myself to breath and be here when I experience psychical
resistance to writing realizing that the psychical resistance to
writing is a self-created/manifested experience of me as my mind.
I realize and accept that 'sorting
myself out' through writing will take time because the deception as
the nature of all that exists is extensive and has been
created/manifested over a very long period of time and therefore I
realize and accept that there is no quick and magical solution to
what I have created and manifested as myself and this world.
I realize that I have been making the
choice to participate in my mind when I accept and allow the
self-created and designed resistance to writing to exist within and
as me.
I realize and accept that I require to
be patient and persistent with myself and that I require to
practically walk this process step-by-step one breath at a time
taking responsibility for who I am and what I have created by not
participating in the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I accept
and allow as resistances towards writing.
I realize that defining and then
participating in things as 'fun' and resisting things that I have
defined as 'not fun' has no practical value and will not aid me in
any what whatsoever and is really just a waste of my time.
When and as I sit down to write and I
begin to compare this experience with other experiences that I have
defined as 'fun' and then participate in the self-created belief that
the experience of writing is boring, difficult, and tedious I stop, I
breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to participate in
thoughts, feelings, and emotions that writing is difficult, tedious,
boring. Instead I embrace writing as myself realizing that I am one
and equal with my self-created experience of writing as me.
When I experience resistance to writing
because of thoughts of it being boring, difficult, or
tedious/confusing I stop. I breath. I do not accept of allow myself
to attempt to escape from my current reality through judging writing
as difficult, tedious/confusing, or boring thinking and believing
that if I were to do something else that I have defined as more
relaxing/stimulating that I would be 'happy'. Instead, I face my
current reality and take responsibility through, in and as writing
myself to freedom.
I realize that hoping and waiting for a
savior to do what I refuse to do is of no value and is an abdication
of my power to stand as life.
I realize that believing that I cannot
write because of my perceived inabilities to communicate me in and as
and through writing is to participate in systems that I have created
as my experience and thus by participating I perpetuate the existence
of me as a living manifested system.
I realize that the more that I
participate in my mind and abdicate my self-responsibility to stand
as life here as the breath – the more that I diminish myself and
lessen my chances/abilities to stand as life here one and equal with
and as the physical.
When and as I see phsyical and mental
resistances come-up while I am writing I stop and delete these
thoughts and breath until I am clear.
When faced with time to write and I
experience any resistance whatsoever from an inclination to label
writing as boring, difficult, tedious I stop. I delete the thoughts
and breath through the emotions and feelings associated with writing
until they are gone and I am clear. I then will direct myself to
write as needed to release myself from my systematic existence as a
system and birth myself as life.
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