Day 7 - Never Enough Time to Write II

More reasons that get in the way of making time to write:

1. Confusion,
2. Intimidation,
3. Overwhelmedness,
4. Forgetfulness,
5. Physical discomfort,
6. Intimidated at the prospect of doing this wrong and having to start over,
7. Giving up because I may not have enough money to support myself through my process.

Ok, so as I go through my day points come up that I identify that I need to write about and when the time comes to write I either become confused as to where to begin, or become overwhelmed because I feel as if I don’t know where to begin, or I become intimidated because I think that I cannot write about a given point well enough, or I just plain forget, or the point becomes blurry where as I start confusing the point with other points; and on top of that many times I feel physically uncomfortable when faced with writing either while sitting or in anticipation of sitting to write.

For the most part, the confusion, overwhelmedness, intimidation, forgetfulness, and physical discomfort just makes it easier for me to fall to the other points that I spoke of last time. For instance, within the confusion, or intimidation, or overwhelmedness, or forgetfulness, or physical discomfort, I then fall to the thought/feeling that I do not have enough time, or that I need to spend what limited time that I have with my kids or partner or doing chores, or just having ‘fun’ meaning stimulating myself - lol. So, then I give-in to this backchat and then goof-off, so to speak, wherein I do not spend my time writing, I just spend my time stimulating myself and forgetting.

So, what my experience has been since I have committed myself to this process is that I ‘muster’ up the ability to spit out one writing, or maybe a couple, and then I burn-out because it took so much energy to get through that particular writing, all the while telling myself that I will eventually work through this, but having never as of yet worked through this.

So, I now am at a point where I realize that I must work through this massive resistance that I have to writing daily, or as often as time does in-fact permit, to actually make progress in my process.
So, to expand on the forgetfulness, overwhelmedness, intimidation, and confusion experience, I see this really as one big point wherein there really isn’t one word in the English language that describes this point of resistance to writing. Rather, it is like a combination of all these points wrapped into one big ugly ‘fuck writing demon system’.

I feel overwhelmed at the thought of writing in detail my mind-consciousness system especially considering that when I write any particular topic, I am only covering the tip of the ice-berg within the conscious mind. I become intimidated that I then have to eventually move on to the subconscious and unconscious mind. I become intimidated when I read others writings and their realizations realizing that I too will eventually have to make these and other realizations that just seem impossible for my ‘mortal’ mind to grasp.

I become forgetful just from the point I realize that I need to write about a certain point and when I finally have time to write about it; and when I do remember, often times I become confused as to where to even begin.

I am also intimidated by what others may think of my writings.

Physical discomfort stems from the fact that I already spend the day sitting all of the time and the thought of sitting even more to write just makes me think that I am going to like become physically debilitated eventually. In other words, you lose what you don’t use! Then on top of that, I do actually feel physically uncomfortable to a certain degree when writing, and this physical discomfort is mainly feeling a bit stiff, like ‘I want to stretch’, or feeling as if my posture is not correct and I don’t want to get ‘bent’ out of shape. So, it is both a mental and actually physical experience of physical discomfort.

I also get intimidated at the prospect of having to start my process all over again. This allows me to ‘give up’ and not even start writing often times when I have time.

Another point of resistance to writing is the prospect of running out of money or just having to work way more than I do now, before my process is complete. This has not happened yet in the last 5 years; however is a real possibility. But is this really something to stop me from writing? No. Yet, I still accept and allow this to get in the way at times.

I know that all these points are not really reasons to not write. I realize that I accepting and allowing a ton of reasons to not participate to the full extent of what is required for me to stop my mind and birth myself as life, one and equal with all as me as the physical.

Ok, so I am going to write out self-forgiveness on the next blog perhaps. For now, I am exploring my resistance to writing in as much detail and specificity as I can.