So, in a nutshell, I have several points of resistance to writing that are all jumbled-up into one big cluster-fuck of massive resistance to daily, or consistent, writing. These points all jumble together into one big blurry ball of confusion where I don’t even know, in the moment, where and what to start looking at that is keeping me from writing consistently. So, within it all I just become intimidated and overwhelmed at the thought of writing and then move on to do something else less demanding. These ‘less demanding’ things include points of stimulation like reading about world affairs, playing piano, watching TV (although not much actually), and other things. Actually, now that I look at it, I really don’t have a lot of other interests, but whatever I can find to spend time on that distracts me or is something that I believe I am interested in I pursue in lieu of writing because writing is too confusing, too intimidating, too difficult, too overwhelming, and I just don’t have ‘enough time’ considering all the other ‘responsibilities’ that I have, such as raising kids, in addition to my ‘me-time’.
There are a couple of other things that I would like to mention before I close here. One is that I have also had resistance to process because of the notion that I may not have enough money to support myself through process until completion. This I think is interesting because it is not that I fear that I will not be able to make DIP payments for 7 years or so, which I do fear actually; however the real fear is that I will not be able to support myself through process. This is funny because, no matter the level of financial support I have, I will always have at least a roof over my head with access to a computer. The roof may be my mothers or a friend’s, worst case scenario, but a roof nevertheless will be there and access to a computer too. So, why has this actually been a point of resistance to writing? I mean, with the other points, I can see that there is at least some legitimacy in that I would have to walk through them within self-honesty, but this point of not having enough money doesn’t really even make any sense at all. Why, in other words, have I even participated in this position at all? Then secondly, another point of resistance to writing comes from the fact that I have not defined myself as a ‘writer’ in my life and have a general fear towards writing itself. I fear not being able to communicate exactly what it is that is on my mind; and in addition, I have experienced just this in past experiences with writing. I have experienced confusion as I write wherein I begin to not know where I am going, or what I was initially thinking when starting my writings, or exactly how to put on paper what is in my head. Then I remember these experiences and this makes it harder for me to write again in the future. So, I have actually been building a resistance to writing, wherein I am actually becoming less able to write each new writing, because I remember how difficult it was the last time and then expect this next time to be difficult as well.
So, here it is, at least 10 reasons why I don’t write all jumbled up into one massive point of resistance. I have been writing this point out over the past few days, like wringing out a rag – squeezing it tight, getting every last drop of water out because I realize that this needs to be done in order for me to move through this resistance to writing that I have created for myself.
Also, because I have blocked myself from writing, I have created a pictured reality of myself where I imagine myself writing and making videos but never do it. The picture of myself doing these things in my imagination are due to me not being able to do this in the physical, so I do it in my head with the intent to do it in the physical. Interesting.
I think that I have covered it all. Unless more comes up between now and the next writing, I should be starting self-forgiveness here next.
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