Day 270 – Who I Was from the Beginning / Re-aligning my starting point: Redefining the word 'living', Part VI

So, if as you may have noticed, this thread, starting with part I, is a bit of a free-flow - wherein I am just going with where this takes me, where-ever that is.  I am using this free-flow approach right now because I often find that when writing out a point, other points / related points, "pop-up" in my mind and I don't know what to do with them or if they are relevant even.  So, usually, I 'edit' my writing and try to 'stay on track' with the main point, which is probably a very good approach normally.  However, in this case, I am just free-flowing to see what comes up. 

So, from my last writing, Part V, what stands out looking back on this writing is that I have not really faced my desires as my 'wildest' fantasies; and have also defined living as the fulfillment of these things - as if 'I am not really living unless I am fulfilling these fantasies'.  

I have, rather, suppressed these desires / fantasies, and over time, I have come to see that suppression leaves the point of what one suppresses as a continual and constant point that's always there in the back-ground as back-chat and pre-programmed personality constructs that repeat over and over again in my mind.  Usually, something triggers these fantasies as contained within and as the back-chat, imaginations, expectations, and desires to come up and then start talking their talk in my mind, like seeing an extremely attractive female, for instance. 

So, why have I been suppressing and not releasing these through self-forgiveness?  Well, well, the answer to that is that I am 'holding out' / 'hanging on' to just the possibility that maybe someday I will in-fact be in a position to have these fantasies fulfilled; and I want to be 'ready' and be 'ready' and 'willing' within the point that, if I transcend these points before they actually can happen in physical reality then I will not be interested in them and will have "missed out"; and part of my definition of 'missing out', in this case, means that I will not truly be 'living' because 'living' only can occur when one is maximizing one's pleasure principle / attainment as much as possible and in the best possible way, right?

So, suppression means that the personality patterns / addictive behavioral patterns will persist although I do not act on them outwardly.  This also means, that the personalities that I have developed around this point will continue to grow and grow the more that I feed them and then eventually may actually compel me to physically doing something 'stupid', like actually acting on them.  But, in the mean-time, the point of suppression also contributes to my general perception that I am not really living because these things, although they exist in my mind, are not happening in the physical and I am not doing anything about it - thus, there is a strange perception of 'giving up' on myself that comes with suppression.

Furthermore, suppression acts a point of self-sabotage within the point that suppression can lead to new and more characters and personalities to be developed, within and as my own mind; starting as reactions where I participate in the initial thought and then it grows into entire systems; such as going into guilt, anxiety, depression, self-judgment characters, all as a consequence to the act of suppression of my fantasies.

Lastly, there is an inferiority / superiority complex that is compelling me to 'hold on' to these fantasies and desires; within the point that if I am not fulfilling them, I actually feel inferior to those whom I have compared myself to that seem to be in a position to fulfill these things.  And then, when I fulfill my fantasies, and I have, I go into a superiority over this.

Yes, I have fulfilled my fantasies to a certain extent, but not enough.  And as a side note, I don't think it is actually physically possible to fulfill one's fantasies actually.  You see, the mind is what drives fantasies.  Fantasies do not exist outside of the mind.  And have you ever noticed how repetitive your mind is?  I mean like, there will never be the fulfillment of my fantasies, in-fact, because fulfillment is impossible!  All that will occur is that one will have a tempory 'feeling' of a certain level of fulfillment that will only last as long as the energy of that feeling lasts and then one is back to where one started - seeking more.

So, I will write out my fantasies in future posts.  I am glad I took this 'detour' on this writing.  But, to stay on track, I will redefine 'Living' / 'To Live' / 'Being Alive' in the next post.  And why am I redefining this in this thread of 'redefining my starting point'?  Well, how I define living seems to me to reach back to my very starting point in this life that I am living now.  Everyday, I get up to live.  I am always comparing myself and my life to my 'ideal' life and making decisions about what I accept and allow based on my definition of 'living'.  So, this needs to be corrected, so as to assist myself to always make decisions that are best for all in every breath that I take, because if my definition of living is fucked, then that what I live will be fucked.