Day 254 – Fear of living as the Physical, III

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear reaction when and as I see myself slowing down where there is nothing that I am doing or see that I am doing that might create an energetic experience of happiness or excitement within and as me; and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this fear through going into back-chats and imaginations and projections about what I would like to do that would create some excitement within and as me where I come up with all kinds of ideas within and as my mind about what I can do that will excite me and start believing that this is me and this is what I must to do to really live and experience myself as ‘really living’, until I finally ‘do something about it’ and find a way to go into some form of a positive energy experience, instead of just living here and breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the desire within and as myself to do something exciting and fun and experience myself as having fun, being excited, and being entertained due to my starting point of defining myself as ‘really living’ only when and as I having a positive energy experience, within and as my mind, in separation of my living here as a physical breathing being.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within seeking a positive experience of happiness, excitement, entertainment, and fun wherein I have defined myself as ‘really living / really being alive’ when and as I am experiencing this positive energy – that within this starting point, I am also creating the negative experience within and as myself of boredom wherein I define myself as ‘not really living’ within this point of which I will always revert back to once the positive energy experience ends – and it always ends – thus, within this, if forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself within the polarity of my mind where I experience myself as the negative, and then as a consequence, create within and as myself the desire to have some form of a positive energy experience or to do something or seek something that will give me a positive experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions as if they are really me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply slow down and stop my participation in my thoughts, feelings, and emotions as I see them come up within and as me through speaking self-forgiveness out-loud or within my mind and breathing in where I accumulate the energies within and as my chest area and then breathe them out until I am clear.  Within my participation in thoughts, feelings, emotions, and desires for something ‘more’, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am creating these energy fluctuations that I experience, from the starting point of the negative, then the positive and back again, within my participation in my own mind where my starting point is that I believe that my thoughts, feelings, and emotions are really me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to simply say ‘No.  I am not these thoughts and emotions.’ to myself out-loud or in my mind, when and as negative thoughts and emotions come up such as ‘I am bored’, ‘I am not really living.’ ‘Just being here is too boring.’ ‘This can’t be all there is, just me here.’ ‘I need something more.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to experience something more than what and who I am right here in every moment of breath as a physical being.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define living here as a physical breathing being as ‘not enough’ to satisfy me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within the point of seeking satisfaction, entertainment, excitement, happiness, and other positive feelings experiences – that I am merely living for energy, the energy experience of the mind and thus am not really living, and am thus setting myself up to eventually experience the polar opposite energy experience of being bored, being unsatisfied – In fact, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that within my desire to experience myself as positive energy that I am creating my starting point of a negative energy experience at the same time and thus am condemning myself to cycle between negative and positive energy, with the negative energy as the driving force / constant, for the rest of my existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my fear of living here as a physical being, just breathing, with no energy experience is actually a fear of death / a fear of the death of who I am as the mind  - and that this fear of death thus creates within and as me a point of survival – where I seek positive energy experiences so that I can feel alive and secure my survival as the mind, as energy, as limitation.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that energy always ends and thus dies and collapse back into the physical and that the physical is substance and substance is always here an never ends and has no ups and downs, but is stable and constant – thus within and as the physical there is no fear of death, no fight for survival, and no need for an energetic experience to feel alive.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desires to feel alive through some form of a positive energy experience show me that I have not been living my words as a physical being, but have been living for the experience of the words that I seek to experience myself as.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to, when and as the thoughts as back-chats start coming up in mind where I say to myself ‘I need something more’ and become jealous of others through comparison where I compare myself, and my commitment to live as a physical being, with the perceived freedom that others are living through their ignorance where they get to smoke weed, drink, do whatever – and then through this jealously that I create within and as myself I start going into more back-chat about ‘how its not fair’ and ‘this is my life and I need to be able live it the way that I want’ – until I finally talk myself into doing something that will stimulate some form of an energy experience within and as myself – simply stop all this bullshit / mental drama / self-manipulation / self-victimization that I use against myself as the mind to break my resolve, break my will, break my self-commitments to live here as a physical being in equality and oneness and instead go into a mind experience of energy in separation from what is here where I condemn myself to the slavery and limitation of the mind for a few hours of a positive energy experience.