252 – Fear of living as the Physical

So, to add another dimension to the ‘why I smoke weed’ point, is the fear that I am starting to see of just living here, as the physical, as the breath. 

I have been looking at myself over the past few days to see when and where and what triggers the desire that I go into to smoke weed, and I see that I am stable and clear for most of the time.  I have no desire throughout the day, nor at night, most of the time when I come home from work.  The desire emerges only at certain times, when others are smoking around me and also when I am in full relax mode or full –let it out mode – thoughts as back-chats start activating in my mind and I start participating in them until finally I ‘break’ and go for it.  But this is not just limited to weed.  This happens in many cases, in other applications, where finally I accept and allow some mental bullshit to go on and direct me for the sake of the energy experience. 

The root of it all is this belief that I hold that ‘it is just too boring to just be here and have no energy experiences whatsoever.’  I mean, this same belief that I hold motivates me to do a lot of things to stimulate my mind and create an energy experience.  Sometimes, this point can be expressed by me simply jumping on Facebook and starting some shit, just to see how people react and then argue with them to try and prove myself right.  Sometimes, it can be over-indulging in eating.  Sometimes, it this point can be expressed by my going into laziness where I just don’t take full responsibility for everything that I need to do.  Sometimes this point can be expressed through my desire to do all kinds of research on the Internet.  Sometimes it is expressed by my judging others in my mind and creating an experience within and as myself of like superiority or excitement even. 

So, its like I am on a constant ‘hunt’ for an energy experience within and as my own mind that is based on the belief that this is what living life is all about – the high /  the high point of experiencing energy as the mind.

So, when I see others and perceive them to be able to enjoy life within the point of enjoying some form of energy experience in their minds, I become jealous of them as if I am not able to really live life like they are.  Thus, these thoughts that go on in my secret mind accumulate to a point where finally I become possessed by them and directed by them, like a robot, going for that point that will give me that energy high / experience of myself so that I can feel like I am really living.

Thus, I have a fear and have connect fear to the point of living without the mind / without the energy experience of the mind and thus have been accepting and allowing myself to ‘break’ at times and just indulge in whatever way is most accessible in the moment and will give me the most ‘bang for my buck’ or in other words the best experience possible.

So, like, over the course of my life I have been trained through media and others that living life is about having ‘fun’ and ‘fun experiences’ and within the point of smoking weed – I have lots of memories of ‘having fun experiences and good times’ both within myself and observing others doing so that accumulate and are layered along with all the other back-chats within my secret mind that go on as a consequence of my judging others, comparing others, becoming jealous of others, and projecting my own mind onto others in regards to others being able to do this and I am not – until all this accumulates into a mind possession – of which is the point that I was really looking for to go on in the first place to use as an excuse – like ‘I am mind possessed! I cannot help myself!’

So, what triggers the weed point as well as any other expression of creating an energy experience within my own mind are all basically the same – I get to a point where I, through judging that what I do as boring, experience an energy low – like I need to be moved in some way and then in addition I have to have access to something that will stimulate me.   So, with weed, if others are around smoking, then I might allow the backchat to build and accumulate to a point where I finally ‘break’ and allow this point – or if weed is not around, then this same point will be expressed in another way where I can experience my mind in some way.

So, the driving force of it all is fear.  I have connect fear to simply living here in the physical in a practical application as if this is just too boring, too mundane, and not what life is about.  I have been programmed for years, over the course of my life, to seek the experience of winning, of feeling great, of happiness through the experience of happiness, of forgetting and ‘letting go’ – as if these are the only times that I am really able to really ‘live’ and thus I am on a constant hunt, a constant search for that ‘high-point’ and thus I fear when things slow down and I don’t see that I will be able to experience this ‘high point’. 

This fear I react to with more fear and through fearing my own fear I start to imagine all the ways that I can end this fear of living here as the physical with whatever kind of energy experience that I can create in my immediate reality.  Like, oh shit!, I can’t just do chores, work, come home, and take care of my responsibility and then sleep.  What the fuck!  Holy Shit! That sucks! 

You see, these are all judgments of the mind based on fear that I allow to accumulate and build to a point where I become mind possessed to take some form of action.  That action can even be just doing nothing that is of any form of self-responsibility.  Or it can be on the other extreme of letting myself go and smoking a little weed, if it is around and I see others doing it.

So, it’s like I am stable for a while and then, due to fear and the low energy experience, I break.  Then I get back to being stable and through the backchat that accumulate based on the fear and the low energy experience, I break again. 

The fear is to live here, as the physical of no energy experience of the mind whatsoever.  That is where I accept and allow myself to go into all the backchat that accumulates to a point where I become mind-possessed to take some form of action, and I do this on purpose because I know how my mind works.  I know that if I think about it enough eventually the thoughts will accumulate and layer enough to a point where I become mind possessed and then I can use that as some form of excuse.  Of the evilness of it all!