I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that I cannot be 'happy' just being here and breathing throughout my
day while I take care of my personal responsibilities.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
'happiness' as being stimulated and having fun in separation of
myself here as life, as the physical which is here, stable, and
constant regardless of 'outside' conditions and stimulus.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
'fun' as doing things that are 'stimulating' such as drinking, or
social gatherings, or going out, or eating, or reading cool topics,
or having interesting conversations, or smoking something all in
separation of myself here as life as the physical.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play games
with myself by defining activities as 'fun' or 'boring' based upon
the amount of energetic charge that I have associated with various
activities based upon how I have defined various activities in
relationship to myself, and within that I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to define my 'happiness' in relationship
to how many
'fun' things'
I do in a given day.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate
in the backchat that 'I am bored and therefore unhappy and therefore
need to do something fun', and within that I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to go into resistance towards
activities
that I have defined as 'boring'
until I finally 'break', at that critical moment, and accept and
allow myself to 'give-in' and participate in something that either
aids in my procrastination of responsibilities or aids in my
participation in things that I have already spoken self-forgiveness
on and made an agreement with myself to stop because it is an abusive
activity and not best for all.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
let
'little
things'
in at 'small
amounts'
that I have already made the self-agreement to stop – all because
I have participated in my backchat that 'I am bored because I am not
doing anything that is fun'.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
participate in the idea that my life needs to be 'fun' – the idea
perpetuated by the media and those who also have fallen for this load
of crap that speak this out load in my presence.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize, and understand that my pursuit of 'fun' and 'happiness' is
of self interest and not best for all life.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize, and understand that this pursuit of 'fun' and 'happiness'
shows to me that I am living the opposite polarity of 'bored' and
'unhappy'.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play energy
games which create energy by going back and forth from 'fun' to
'boring' from 'happy' to 'sad' which is a form of self-sabotage as I
get bounced around like a ping-pong ball abdicating myself to the
energy needs of my mind and not being here as the directive principle
of my life.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'give-in',
to this self-created need for fun and to therefore be happy, in those
moments where 'boredom' and therefore 'unhappiness' compound to a
point where 'I
just can't take it anymore'.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my
life with the amount of energetic-experiences that I can have.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others
as having more fun or more happiness based on the 'exciting' lives
that they are presenting on the outside, and within that, I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with myself
with the picture that I self-create in my mind of others that are
'really living' and having 'fun' that I compare to my apparent
'boring' reality – and within that I forgive myself that I
use
that as justification to accept allow myself to 'slip' on various
points that I have already made a self-agreement on to stop, just so
that I can have some 'fun' too.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize, and understand that all that is required for me to live my
life to the 'fullest' is to simply be here within and as the breath –
as the physical, not being pulled back-and-forth from one polarity to
the other in pursuit of an energetic experience to make my life for
fun and exciting – because within that, I see, realize, and
understand that I am in -fact never going to achieve the 'fun' life
when I have defined 'fun' as the pursuit of energy which always
dissipates and therefore my pursuit of fun and happiness guarantees
my boredom and unhappiness.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to guarantee
my 'boredom' and my 'unhappiness' within my pursuit of 'happiness'
and 'fun' because 'happiness' and 'fun' when based on energy and
energetic experiences will always end and leave me where I started.
To
be continued...
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