Day 45 – Am I so dominated by my backchat that I cannot stand up and breathe?

Am I so dominated by my backchat that I cannot stand up and breathe and direct myself to become what is best for all life? This is one question that I am asking myself in this blog, as well as:

The preface of the Reptilians Interview 214 asks the question: “Why do we so often and vigorously doubt our own ability to change? Why do we have the tendency of sabotaging ourselves when there is actual evidence of our change by doubting ourselves?”

And:

From the preface on How to Stop Suppressing - Kryon: My Existential History the question is asked: “Why do we tend to alter the thoughts and experiences in our minds when we speak or write about them, instead of speaking or writing simply what it is that is going on inside us?”

Just right here bring up two additional points that I use to justify not standing up and breathing. I have been dominated by the backchat that I cannot change or that I cannot completely change and therefore become overwhelmed with the task at hand. Then at other times I have been dominated with the second question wherein I actually participate in fear writing because I fear I may not have the memory correct. For instance an assignment I am working on right now has to do with memories that I have some resistance to writing about because I am not sure about the memories that I have written about, amongst other reasons.

The fact of the matter is that I am very busy with all my personal responsibilities and that, at this time, it probably is unrealistic of me to write everyday. However, I can definitely find the time to write at least once per week, and I have not done that. Instead, I have simply given-in to my backchat wherein I have created a god-zillion excuses and justifications to put off standing up. Now that is not to say that I have blown-off standing up, it is just to say that I am not doing what I can be doing at this time.

And 'at this time' is interesting as well, because it is conceivable that I could eventually write every day, if I were to stand-up as consistently as possible at this time in which I would be supporting myself to transcend whatever it is that is holding me back from daily writing, such as the need to sleep 8 hours, and perhaps working more diligently and efficiently so as to shore up more time, and also how about another big one that I just recently have been made aware of as expressed in this question: How do negative experiences towards situations fuel a “positive reward” experience? - which is a question from The Future of Consciousness 21 interview which is one big reason I have no time – because my free time is my 'positive reward' time for all my 'negative experiences'. These are points that I can explore in the time that I do have now that may lead to more time, if time is what I need.

There are just so many places to start and so many things to write about and writing is an enjoyable activity, actually. It is a shame that I cannot find the self-discipline to walk my process on a more consistent basis just because I accept and allow myself to be a victim of my own backchat wherein I talk myself out of participating more effectively in my process for a myriad of reasons that are all actually nothing more that points that I can and should right about and explore. All the material that I need to write and self forgive is chattering away inside of my head telling me what to do and how to live my life, and I cannot figure out where to start? That is some funny shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dominated by my backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I don’t want to write because I feel bored and am not having fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not just breathe and stop those thoughts in their tracks and then proceed to direct myself from that starting point of being one and equal all as me, and acting in what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am my thoughts. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my thoughts and my backchat when I know full-well that I am not my thoughts and that I can stand and I can breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is really me that is bored rather than realizing that it is just me believing my backchat, which is a program that is drawing from memories and past experiences that I have defined myself and my world by in separation of myself here; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my past instead of simply writing about those points until I am able to stand.

OK, it is getting late. I will continue on this as soon as I can.