Ok,
so I am starting to realize that I am charging my experiences with
positive or negative energy and then chasing around the positive
experiences and running from the negative.
In
regards to work, it is interesting to note that I actually like and
enjoy work, at least if you ask me. However, when I get home from
work, the last thing that I want to do is more work! When I get
home, I want to vegetate, read things only of interest, play piano,
or anything that entertains me because I feel the 'right' to be
entertained because I have been at 'work' all day.
On
the weekends, I go through this too, where I am looking for something
fun to do all day, to not feel bored. There are also times when
things slow down so much, on the weekends, that I literally have
nothing to do and then I go into some kind of fear where-in I fear
that I will not have the 'ultimate experience' in my truly
'free-time' wherein I literally can do whatever because I have the
time. In these situations, the last thing that I want to do is write
or do more 'work'.
So,
I am living my life chasing around fun! I am chasing around the
'positive' experiences that will make my life more exciting and more
fulfilling. But within that what am I really doing? What is the
real difference in all these experiences that I am having? Why am I
not simply 'fulfilled' right here in every moment of breath, just
simply breathing and existing? Why have I charged things with
'positive' and 'negative' energy and then run or hide from various
activities when in fact the various activities may not be that
different from each other or may be debatable whether or not each
activity is fun or boring, positive or negative? Why not just stop
charging and judging the things that I do and just treat everything
that I do as either what is practical for my survival and what is
best for all, or as not either one? In other words, I really have
only 2 realities when I participate in any activity – it is either
required for my survival and/or it is best for all – whether
something is good/bad, positive/negative, fun or boring is completely
subjective and only serves to fuck with me as it puts me on a chase,
chasing after the 'good times' while only neglecting what it is that
I really need to do to make this world a better place.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge work
with 'negative' energy, and within that I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allows myself to resist doing more work, or other
self-labeled
'boring'
activities
when I am home and in my 'free-time'.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that I need to do 'fun' things in order to live my life and be
fulfilled.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase 'fun
and fulfillment'
around instead of just breathing and being right here in every moment
of breath.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not see, realize, and understand that the 'need to have fun' and the
'resistance to boredom' and the 'work is boring and grueling'
mentality is all per-programmed from my past experiences growing-up
and living in a society that gives one these ideas from the media and
popular culture then the repetition of these ideas from the general
populace who are parroting what we
see
on TV, etc, and within this no one ever realizing that these ideas
are only real when we create these experiences as ourselves through
believing these things in the first place.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in
the idea that work is boring and grueling and therefore one needs a
release when one comes home –
and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to
see, realize, and understand that the need to 'release' when I am off
work indicates to me that there is something wrong with my
relationship with work – as if I were working in equality and
oneness, I would simply go to work, come home from work, and be right
here, stable, breathing, and in no 'need' for any type of emotional
release or fun activity to fill my time and make me feel better and
fulfilled.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that 'if I am not doing what I want and having fun and entertainment'
then I am not 'living life to the fullest' and therefore missing out
–
and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to participate in this mindset knowing that this has more-then
likely originated from popular culture and not of me, and that I am
only allowing this so that I can get that 'positive energy
experience' because of my 'negative energy experience' that I have
self-created through my relationship with work and
other 'boring/negatively labeled activities.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge
'writing' as negative/bad/boring and then go into resistance towards
this and then to move myself to other more positive activities even
if they are very similar, like reading an article on the internet.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have never
investigated why I have charged certain activities as
'positive/good/fun' and others and 'negative/bad/boring' – and
within this, I forgive myself that I have just been reacting towards
my positive or negative associations towards just the thought of
doing certain activities.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply not
just be here, breathing, directing myself to what is best for all and
my survival in this system at all times without judging ANYTHING that
I do – just simply breathing and doing it, or not doing it.
I
forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and
understand that by judging activities as 'good/fun/positive' and
'negative/bad/boring' I am screwing with myself and allowing myself
to be directed by positive and negative energy.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed
by my predefined relationships with the outside world and my
emotional reactions towards these things because of my
predispositions and
within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to 'blindly'
participate and be directed by these preconceived ideas without
investigating them and seeing them for what they are and then
stopping
my participation.
I
forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and
understand that all activities are just activities and nothing more –
and that I create my own experience towards them and the reactions
and resistances as well.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that I enjoy my work and have fun at work when, when at
the same-time, when I
come home I resist other 'boring/negative/bad' activities because 'I
have been working all day and need a break'
– when that should be a big red-flag that something is not right;
and within that, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to
investigate my relationship with work even further as to why it is
that I experience stress and the need to do other fun/positive/good
activities rather than just come home and do what is practical.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize, and understand that part of my 'negative' association with
work is the 'stress' that I am under when things might go bad, or I
have an emergencies
and need to solve an issue, or when I am doing the same thing over
and over again for hours on end – and within this I forgive myself
that I have not allowed myself to slow down and pay attention to my
body and the muscle tension and the postures that I hold and how this
may be affecting me and my 'energy' levels both during work and off
work.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move and
react and to hold my physical body in the state of tension when and
as I am experiences something bad or working and within that I
forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and
understand that this is physically taxing on my physical body and
creates/supports the idea that I need to a form of 'release' to
counter this when in fact I merely need to be here and breathe and
relax at all times – no matter what the circumstances as I see,
realize, and understand that being relaxed and here and breathing is
always the best solution.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be always
chasing energy and running from energy-draining experiences because
of my preconceived
ideas about various
activities which is based on the emotional and physical experiences
that I have created in association
to various activities,
in
separation of myself as the mind.
When
and as I see myself going into the self-created emotional reaction of
resistance towards activities such as work, or writing, or anything
that I have created a negative energy draining relationship with –
I stop and I breathe because I see, realize, and understand that this
'energy-draining' experience is self created based upon my
participation in the negative associations that I have given towards
any particular activity. AND THUS, I commit myself to breathe deeply
in and out, breathing the resistance back into my body until I am
clear, when faced with the prospect of participating in an activity
that I have deemed as 'boring/energy draining/ negative, and then
proceeding to do this activity so long as it is practically what is
best for all.
When
and as I see myself going into the ideas that writing and work are
boring or energy draining, I stop and I breathe because I see,
realize, and understand that my experience towards activities
completely self-created can be corrected through breathing. I also
see, realize, and understand that it is folly to charge a previously
'negative' activity as 'positive', but rather just to simply be here
and breathe until one is clear AND THUS, I commit myself to breathing
until I am clear and no longer participating in positive or negative
charges/associations with activities, but just living, breathing, and
doing what is best for all in every breath.
No comments:
Post a Comment