So,
just recently I had an order-entry error on a magnitude that I have
never experienced before. The potential consequences as well as
accepting that fact that I actually allowed this to happen are very
difficult for me to deal with. I will not go into any specific
details on this blog. I will just give enough information to let the
reader know where I am at. I believe that is all I need to write for
my own benefit as well. So here goes.
I
have an order-entry process that I developed for myself to ensure
that I make no errors if possible. It works really well. I have a
very good track record with order accuracy. However, I just ordered
an entire order the wrong color – even using my system. I even
checked-off the wrong color thinking it was the right color. Let me
be clear here: I knew what the right color should be. I read the
color on the order-form and thought it was right even though it was
not – In other words, I when proof-reading my order, I read the
color of the order, I checked it off as if it were the right color
even though it was not and even though I knew what the correct color
should be. So, I was basically like sleep-walking because I
definitely did not do this on purpose.
The
financial impact is so great, that theoretically it could put us out
of business or I could lose my job or I could wind-up paying
thousands of dollars. The most probable odds are that I will pay
under $700 and will keep my job and we will still be in business and
life will move on. So, that's the good news. I know this is so,
because this error occurred about a week ago and the fallout from
this is shaping up to be just about what I described here.
So,
I have a self commitment to breathe deeply in and out until I am
clear when faced with stress and worry like this – however, this is
super scary stuff and I
have been doing pretty good at keeping my self-commitment here, but
like this morning, I am having trouble not thinking about it, so I am
writing about it here.
Its
not just worry over the consequences, it is worry over what this
means about me, about who I am, and about my ability to survive and
take care of myself in this world.
I
grew-up with a few guys that
went into business together
that are now self-made mufti-millionaires. They were actually close
friends in childhood all the way up to young adult. I think to
myself 'I work my ass off, do my best, do everything I can and here I
am making just enough to cover basic needs, most of the time, and
then I have friends that work no harder than me and have become
multimillionaires – and to top it off, I make a mega mistake, and
then what – I lose my job? I lose money when I already have no
money? Who am I? Why is making money so damn difficult for me? Am
I inferior? Am I worthy of surviving in this world? Or am I just
someones else responsibility to bail me out? If I work my ass off
and do everything I can to be careful and accurate and still make
mega mistakes, then what does that mean? Can I actually make it?
All those people making money, do they possess something that I don't
have? Are they better than me? Do I deserve to even have what I
have? And what the fuck is wrong with my brain? I mean I actually
checked off the wrong color as if it were the right color in full
knowledge of what the right color is.”
These
are the thoughts and questions that I preoccupying me right now.
Thats all I have time for now. I will do self forgiveness and
corrective application on this backchat next, and I would also like
to explore why it is that I ordered the wrong color when I knew
better in full consciousness, in full sobriety, in full awakeness –
did I dimensionally shift? Was I doing a form of sleep walking? I
mean, I was really thinking the wrong color is the right color when I
knew better.
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