Day 48 – Day 1 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Worry

I don't worry like I used to worry. I used to worry all the time. I used to worry about what others think of me. I worried about what might happen to me. I used to worry so much that I could not pay attention to what is going on around me. I would completely tune out. I would worry almost all the time. I actually had problems with friendships and girlfriends because I would worry so much that I wouldn't be able to listen enough and people would get angry at me or think I was scatter-brained. 

I have gotten much better now in my later years. I can now usually breathe and stop my mind to a certain degree when worry strikes, as I am more self aware now. However, for the last couple of days I have been possessed with worry about a particular customer at work who is, in my estimation, out to commit maximum damage to my place of business due to her disgruntledness at how her job we did for her went down. This is a public blog, so I will spare the details, but the bottom line is I believe based on her words that she is out to due as much harm as possible.

So, as a result, I have been mind-possessed with a myriad of 'what if' scenarios, as pertains to 'what I might have said right or wrong' or 'what she can do legally to us' or 'how others might view this situation from the outside looking in' and 'what will be the ultimate outcome – will I loose money in the long run?' And all these 'what ifs' play out in my head/mind over and over again as if I am trying to control physical reality with my mind and as if I am trying to analyze the situation enough to where I see a 'beam of light' where a positive outcome is guaranteed because of some detail that I thought, etc, etc.

So, what is this incessant worry revealing to me about this situation? Where did I not prepare? Why am I so insecure about this situation especially considering that I did everything that I could to make this customer happy? 

Looking back on this situation, although this customer has not expressed this and is complaining about other things that actually are measurably ridiculous, I believe that my point of 'not being prepared', for the most part, has to do with the start of all my problems with this customer when a certain item I ordered for her that turned out to be the wrong size that is needed for this job.

This item was 3” too wide and had to be reordered and happened to cost (wholesale price) close to $800 for the reordered piece and the shipping, tax, and labor to get the issue resolved. This is a lot of money for me and I panicked – my first point of not being prepared enough. I was also resentful inside towards this customer because this erroneously ordered item also happened to be part of a few pieces that were ordered AGAINST my advice to her of which I allowed her to convince me to order anyway – she did not convince me to order the size of the piece, but the design which I did not want to do because it was very unusual. The design required a special size piece, and I missed it. So, I was a little pissed at her for that. 

Then I asked her to pay half of the cost because I thought it was fair considering that she insisted that I do this design against my good advise and I actually figured that she would be happy to pay. This was not the case. She instantly took the 'customer is always right' perspective and insisted that I pay for the new piece entirely. This pissed me off even more. 

So, now I am panicked and pissed and trying to hold all this in and not reveal this to her because this is business after all. So, I calmly insisted that she pay for half of this piece and we went back and forth until she finally freaked out. At this time, I new that I had fucked myself because she, in my observation, freaked out beyond redemption as far as our relationship is concerned. 

One last piece of lack of preparation is the point of having to resolve this issue right there and then. I should have given it a day and not engaged in discourse with her immediately, but I was too scared of $800 and pissed at her too and I could not wait a day get this resolved.

From that point on, I wound up not only paying $800, but some other minor things went wrong on this job too after this, and I payed for those as well and did everything in my power to redeem myself and just get this job done and move on, but this lady, although she says she is over it, clearly never got over this and has turned out to be out to get me, practically to the point of putting me out of business if possible.

The good news, is that outside of that exchange where she 'freaked out', we have a well documented case here where we honored our contract and did everything we could to get her job done as quickly as possible. So, in the end we should be OK, no matter how much crap she through at us. Yet, I have been possessed with worry over this issue of the past few days over this any way.

And as a side note, I personally believe that this lady is so vindictive towards us (me and my company) because she more than-likely feels guilty about the fact that she convinced me to order this part against my good judgment after I exposed this to her and used this as rational to have her help pay for this error, because I know she knows this is true. I believe that this is probably in the back of her head and that she is therefore not only pissed at me by the way I handled her that day, but also trying to deal with her quilt by making me and my company the enemy/devil company.

Its amazing how fucked up we all act because of our backchat that goes in the back of our minds. So, I was driven by my backchat to try to shove $400 in cost down her throat, and now she is driven by her backchat to destroy my business and reputation.

So, now I am all mind possessed and worried.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional reaction of worry towards anything and specifically the outcome of this event because I see, realize, and understand that worry is a complete mind possession wherein I am trying to take control of the situation to avoid apparent harm when in fact thinking about something over and over again does nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that if I do not think about this situation over and over again then I might be exposed to some great harm that I have not thought of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional reaction of fear to the thought of not worrying about things and just breathing because I fear that if I just breathe something bad might happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not think about a certain situation over and over again that I might have something bad happen to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control the future by worrying and worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the future and what it might bring.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear the potential loss of income in the future as a result of this incident.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this fear of what might happen and the corresponding worry is revealing to me that I have not prepared and not been prepared and therefore I need only to look into this and address it practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry instead of just simply breaking down the situation for what it is in fact – not what I want it to be in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry instead of finding practical solutions for whatever problem may arise, use future projections to see and clarify how to go about solving an issue, and then to walk the solution in breath – not in my mind-possessed state of worry where I am trying to control reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to control the future through worry and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen in the future if I don't worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see, realize, and understand that worry is revealing to me that I have not prepared for something, otherwise I would not worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled and directed by my backchat, in general, and with this particular person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear and anger to direct my conversations – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear and anger with full awareness to direct my conversations when in fact I could have just stopping and breathed as I was aware of this at that time.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry, I stop and I breathe because I do not accept and allow myself to worry because I see, realize, and understand worry does nothing to solve problems and cannot direct the future in any way whatsoever. And thus, when and as I see worry arising within me, I commit myself to stopping this worry and breathing deeply in and out – breathing in the energy of worry and then breathing out the energy or worry back into my physical body until I am clear.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that worry is not a solution. And thus, I commit myself to investigate where it is that I have not prepared, and also I work out the best practical solution through considering all points and projecting the actions required for the best possible outcome, and then I walk the solution in breath, breath by breath.

When and as I see myself going into a state of worry and have also done my practical solution – if there is no solution that guarantees a 'good' outcome, that is OK – I do not worry about that either. Instead, I stop and I breathe; and thus I commit myself to walk the best solution possible and also prepare myself for all potential outcomes by walking self-forgiveness wherever it may apply so as to create myself as stable and consistent and to remain in breath under any circumstances.