JTL Day 94 – Stopping Outbursts of Anger as a Solution

Yesterday I spent almost 4 hours with FedEx trying to get a package shipped to me. It all started at about 8am when I received an email from one of my suppliers that they needed me to set-up and pay FedEx to ship a package from them to me. This pissed me off as I was thinking 'why are they asking me to pay and spend my time setting up a delivery for them?'. I also was fearful that if I might have to spend a lot of time doing this as I don't have a FedEx account and have no idea how to do this.

It turns out my fears came to pass as this took almost 4 hours to do. In the process of this I had 2 breakdown points where I yelled at the FedEx guy and also my supplier. I was trying to be cool, but I couldn't help but become angry because I was feeling a lot of pressure on my time and this was taking forever. I didn't want to spend ½ a workday trying to mail a package as this is very unproductive.

I was thinking throughout this process that 'I cannot afford to have my time wasted like this' and 'this should not take so long' and 'this is bullshit' and 'I shouldn't have to be mailing this in the first place' and within all that I was feeling like I was being taken advantage of to a certain extent, and that I was not able to have control over my time, and that I was going to miss-out on other productive things that need to be done. And after this kept dragging out, I finally just broke and yelled at the FedEx guy, within as much self-control I could muster, and he then hung up on me. It was as if I was trying to solve my problem of having my time wasted with resorting to anger. I also yelled at my supplier, but she put me in my place without hanging up. I was like, OK, sorry'.

I felt guilty about letting myself go. I apologized about 10 times. When this whole thing was done, I looked back and was like 'why did I get so upset over this?'. I could have just breathed through it. In fact, the first couple of hours, I was practicing just that. It's after about 2 hours that I started to break-down, like I just had a limit set for how long I would be 'nice' and breathe. After that point, I let out all the emotions. Of course, this is business, so even letting it all out, I am still restrained. I mean, I didn't go ballistic on them of course, because of the potential for adverse consequences. I let out me anger about as much as I thought I could get away with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at how much time it took to mail this package.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed the emotion of anger by participating in thoughts like 'I shouldn't have to spend all this time mailing a fucking package' and 'I shouldn't have to be doing this anyway'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts like 'I shouldn't have to do this or that' and 'this shouldn't take so long'. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations of what my day should be like and then feed the emotion of anger within participating in judgments of what I am doing and if it fits this mold of how 'things should go'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to not live patience as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional reaction of impatience as a solution to feeling pressure because of my participation in the thought that 'my time is being wasted'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional experience of 'feeling pressure' when faced with having constraints on my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'my time is being wasted'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'how dare these people waste my time'

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound emotional energy within me because of my participation in these thoughts and feelings of impatience, anxiety, nervousness in connection with these thoughts, until they eventually build into an outburst of anger.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotions of anxiety and nervousness to the thought and experience of 'having my time wasted'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is a justifiable point in-time where breathing and being here is no longer 'effective' and therefore I can just unleash my emotions as a solution to my 'problems'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to build-up emotional energy to the point of outburst because of my participation in thoughts and emotions that I am suppressing up to a certain point.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I cannot just simply be here and breathe through this process no matter how long it takes'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use this belief that 'I cannot just breathe through this' as justification to go into emotions of anger and impatience as a solution to speed up the process.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect fear itself to my time being wasted and within this fear react with anger and frustration as a solution.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect fear itself to the idea of 'loosing control of my time / being controlled by others'

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional experience of guilt after letting emotional anger out, as if going into guilt is a solution.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to go into the emotional experience of embarrassment within the point of not wanting anyone to know that I reacted this way because I don't want to face myself or see myself as someone who reacts like this.

I realize that I allowed my participation in backchat to feed the emotions of impatience, anxiety, and then anger to build up to a point where I had to release them in the form of outbursts of anger.

I realize that I allowed myself to be directed and controlled by my mind within participating in thoughts and judgments about my time and my time being wasted.

I realize that I allowed myself to directed by my mind as a solution to my problem with my time being wasted instead of remaining here in breath and walking a practical solution within physical application, because of my fear of not letting go of participating in my mind as a solution.

I realize that I allowed myself to be directed by fear as a solution to my 'delimna' with time, as if – 'if I don't go into this fear, then I my time might really be wasted'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'that I will not get the desired result if I don't go into fear and just remain here in breath and walk practical solutions.

I commit myself to stopping my mind, thoughts, feelings, and emotions when faced with constraints on my time, and instead breathing and walking practical solutions.