Day 101- Desire and How It Relates To Boredom

So, I have covered quite a few points in the last two writings. I have all this in my mind, just floating around, so I thought it would be best to just do a little ranting on the last two posts in relation to this overall point of boredom, which is really a perpetual desire for something more than what is here. So, I will write on those other points in future posts, but as of now, I will write about desire and how it relates to boredom– as this is the point that is the most prominent for me now.

So, basically, I have this nagging feeling that there's something 'wrong' or 'not right' and that I need to go do something 'out there' separate from me to 'complete' myself, to be satisfied with myself. This is where this constant search, that I experience, to be 'fulfilled' and 'satisfied' comes from, especially when things slow down to a point where I do not have an immediate responsibility to carry out, where I am not 'distracted' from this nagging feeling. This experience of myself I define as 'boredom' as in 'I am bored' and therefore I need to find something 'out there' to bring satisfaction and fulfillment to my experience. The things 'out there' that would qualify to bring me satisfaction and fulfillment are things that I have defined as 'exciting' and fun' such as sex, drinking, drugs, socializing, eating, going on trips and vacations, not having to work, playing chess, playing piano, surfing the net, shopping, watching cool movies, etc. The problem is, that after I am done with these 'exciting' and 'fulfilling' activities, I revert back to the 'I need something more' feeling – in fact, its almost as if the 'exciting' and 'fulfilling' activities are more like distractions from a constant, never ending, nagging feeling that there's something wrong or not right.

So, I am on a perpetual search for myself in things 'out there' to bring me a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction and completeness, which can only exist within the starting point of 'I am not complete, satisfied, and fulfilled already'. Therefore within this starting-point, I have separated myself and therefor am searching for myself in other things and activities 'out there' – thus desire is born. This is the very definition of desire. This is when Eve fell, as in the garden of Evil/Eden, when she ate the apple that she desired to make herself more like god, as if she were not already like god – as if she needed anything to make her what she already was. So, I desire the apple - 'things out', there that I have defined in ways that I believe will bring me satisfaction, completeness, and fulfillment, or rather 'happiness', and in going into desire for something more and chasing it, eating the 'apple' in other-words, I fall, like Eve, into separation and lose my equality and divinity, which is my right to life, within the realization that I already am everything that I 'desire'. Because just like Eve, I believe that I need to possess or do those things out there to make me complete, fulfilled, and satisfied because I do not accept myself as already complete, fulfilled, and satisfied.

And this eternal drive for completion, satisfaction, and fulfillment, the desire for something 'more', enslaves me into the separation and limitation of my mind. And I am perpetuating and acting on this desire through my participation in idea and self-definition of 'I am bored'. The interesting point that I would like to add it that, it is almost as if NOTHING really satisfies me, completes me, and fulfills me, like really nothing, not even the things I listed above in this article, and I know this. So, like I am really fucked, as there is really no solution to boredom and the desire for something more, except to stop this bullshit altogether and remain here in every breath. The solution would be to accept myself as whole, complete, and satisfied already as in “I am here' and 'I am equal to and one with all that is here, already', and to stop the search for self outside of self, and assist myself to get there through the door of self-forgiveness.