JTL Day 95 – More On Anger

So, I had an outburst of anger the other day. I tend to have this happen every so often when I am at work and faced of a points of potential loss of money, or when I feel controlled within regards to my time. I also have outbursts of anger, occasionally, at home. However, these are far less than at work, as I do my best to suppress this, for one; and also, I find that my home and personal life, to be far less of a trigger for me than when work. Plus I can't get away with outbursts of anger as much at home as I can at work. Now at work, of course, there are only certain people that I can have these outbursts with and get away with it, for instance, my vendors and shipping companies. I can let my anger out at them, but they still have to come back for more because I'm paying them; and I know this. Also, my granite fabricator. I allow outbursts with him because this seems to be an acceptable way to talk to him as modeled by my boss and the fact that my fabricator just takes this. I also have outburst of anger while driving by myself, when I get lost. This is quite hilarious actually. Like how ridiculous is that. I actually resort to anger as if this can help me find my way around, or as if the roads and the city that I am lost in are to blame.

So, its like I am two people. I am this nice guy to my friends, family, neighbors, customers, and people with authority over me, but people that need something from me, and that I can get away with it, I tend to allow outbursts of anger, here and there. So, I would have at least two different descriptions of who I am based on who you ask to describe me.

Another interesting point is that just before the outbursts come-on, I am like in this decision mode where I see it coming and then I have the opportunity to decide to let it out or not. I decide to let it out, because its like a wave of emotion that I feel I just can't stop. However, while going through the experience of anger, I am thinking to myself 'why the fuck am I allowing this?'

Another point to consider is that I am not really angry at what I am projecting my anger towards. I am angry with myself, because of my not being self-honest with myself in certain specific points within my world, and suppressing that anger. So, which points in my world have I not been honest with me? Because I see, realize, and understand that anger is the outflow of me not being honest with me in my starting point in every moment, which culminates in anger, that is then released within certain triggers.  And these outbursts and triggers are pretty cool, because they show me that I am suppressing anger within and as me, so that I can address it and forgive it. 

I will pick up on this tomorrow.