Moment start: The other day, I was sitting at my desk, at work, and my boss walked in and over to me with authoritative body language and with a stern voice said something to the nature of "Josh, the delivery address is not 1609 Wildair St., it 1909! That's the 3rd address this week that YOU have missed. Our delivery guys cannot go on runs with bad addresses! You need to check you addresses. We cannot afford, nor due we have time, to be making mistakes like this!"
Not even half way through his words, thoughts started rushing in to my head like "this is not the case! I had that address right" and emotions of resistance, agitation, and defensiveness rushed in as well. Also, memories rushed in of previous times I had been careless with details, but since then I had made an "effort" to change this about myself.
While my head was flooding with thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories, I had a moment of self-awareness available to me to breathe, and I chose not too.
Then reacted to him with defensiveness in regards to my backchat and emotions, then raised my voice a little back and taking an authoritative stance in both tone and body language, said to him "No, that isn't so! I got that address from the customers plans. He (the customer) must have had the incorrect address on the plans! It wasn't me." My boss wasn't ready for that one, seemed a bit confused. Then acquiesced and walked away. I honestly believed that in the moment, but there was a part of me that wasn't sure. So, after he left the room, I checked the address on the plans and to my embarrassment, it was 1909! Moment ended.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read my bosses body-language and vocal tone as authoritative and then react immediately with becoming slightly on-guard and defensive, instead of remaining "here" as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts that emerged as reactions, from my structural resonance, to my bosses words and body language, are of me as the "I Am", thus becoming them through my belief, instead of remaining "here" as breath, standing in and as my self-awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance and shame, when and as I heard the words spoken to me that "this is the 3rd time this week you have given a bad address!" especially because of memories in the past when I have been "careless and negligent" with details, and that I did not want to see this about myself here in this moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to change myself in this regard and to react in fear that I might not be able to change myself in this regard, and thus react with feeling embarrassed and dis-empowered. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react with agitation and slight anger as a way to take my power back and deflect blame away from me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an excuse and justification and say to my boss that "the address was incorrect on the plans" implying that it is NOT my fault, it is the plans fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resistance and to believe that the energy of resistance is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with shame and to believe that the energy of shame is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with embarrassment and to believe that the energy of embarrassment is me. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the sacred geometry of embarrassment is based upon fear-of-change and fear-of-loss - and therefore in my case, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear that I cannot change this "negligent and careless" quality about myself - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of loss - in that I may not be the projected image of self-greatness, that exists in and as pictures and ideas in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling dis-empowered and to believe that this energy is me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as a way to not take self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into this pattern of defensiveness as a way to not face myself for what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with defensiveness, instead of slowing down and facing the situation for what it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my bosses body language, words, and vocal tonality as being "harsh" and too "authoritative", and "inappropriate", and then react in fear and agitation to this.
When and as I see myself reacting to someones body language and vocal tones with a flood of thoughts and judgments coming up, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that I am not these thoughts, judgments, feelings, emotions, and pictures that are coming up in my mind. I am the "I am" that is "here" always the same, constant, of no mind.
When and as I see myself reacting with the pattern of defensiveness, which includes the emotions of shame, embarrassment, blame, agitation, and anger - I STOP. I commit myself to breathe and remain here as the breath of Life. I see, realize, and understand that the pattern of defensiveness is of energy, of the mind, and only serves to protect the mind as systems. I commit myself to remain here as the breath, and breathe until this pattern and the emotional energies that come with it, disperse and grounded back into and as my physical body.
I commit myself to remain "here" stable, constant, and the same - and take self-responsibility to "hear" the "bad" report and face it as one with it as me, because I see, realize, and understand that no matter the report that someone has of me, "that I may have not been acting within what is best for all and the best possible version of myself" - that this does not change the fact of who I am as the "I Am", as the breath of Life. Instead, I commit myself to take this opportunity to remain "here" unchanged and "hear" the "bad" report, so that I can sort myself out and take self-responsibility for who I am and what I accept and allow.
In this case, I commit myself to address in future writings the points of "carelessness and negligence"
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