Day 420 - Addiction

Today is 4/20 - a notorious day for marijuana.  Thus, I will give my tribute to marijuana and all drugs for that matter today.  Here's to you, drugs:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and build synchronized relationships within and as my mind, with substances such as alcohol and drugs, as addictions where I believe that "I cannot live without them", thereby charging up my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not have drugs and alcohol in my life, that then I will not be fully living.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what won't be fully living without drugs and alcohol is my mind, as it needs relationships with things outside of itself to feel alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to the highs and lows of drug addiction, believing that this is "real living" and that I "feel alive".  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after the experience of "feeling alive".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up the characters in my mind, letting them out of their cage, if you will, making them stronger, through getting drunk with alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crystalize my suppressions within and as my physical body, making my suppressions part of my physical expression, thus becoming my suppressions - through my use of marijuana.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of boredom, believing that it is real, and then react in fear to being bored - and then go into the desire to use drugs and alcohol to make it all better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought / idea / belief / perception that "life is boring without drugs and alcohol."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sex is better using marijuana and other drugs, not realizing that this is so because up until now, my sex life has been none other than an energetic exercise of the mind and not a real physical expression, revealing that I have yet to develop real self-intimacy.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify and use drugs and alcohol for better sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself using marijuana and other drugs and alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to "fit in" and thus justify having even a little alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that becoming addicted and dependent on drugs and alcohol, which is forming synchronized relationships with drugs and alcohol in my mind, only shows me that I am emotional, and thus attempting to suppress my emotions and hide from myself, of which is silly because when the drugs where off, I am back to where I started but with even a bigger problem than before because the illusionary characters of my mind are even stronger than before - creating monsters and demons to deal with, as a consequence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need something more than who I am and what is here as me as the breath of Life, in order to be happy and feel good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek and chase after the experience of "feeling good" by using drugs and alcohol, and thus subject myself to endless cycles of feeling bad, then ok, then good, then back to bad and on and on and on until I use up my battery, which is my physical body, and then die and become nothing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse my physical body with drugs and alcohol as this is extra shit to deal with stressing my organs and glands and nervous system.
I commit myself to stand as life, as the breath, as the physical, here, where I do not need anything outside of myself to make me happy or feel good and to show that Life needs nothing outside of itself to be whole and complete.
I commit myself to live as the living word, where I do not seek the fulfillment of myself through outside experiences because I am already living it.
When and as I see myself going into the desire to use drugs and alcohol, I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself that these desires and thoughts are not me, that I am the breath / the physical and am already living life as I am Life, and therefore there is no need to make me happy with something outside of myself such as drugs and alcohol.
I commit myself to sort out and stop the emotional nature of my mind as the characters that I have created that talk me into self sabotage, one by one and breath by breath so that I can stop E-moting once and for all and live here, as the character that is the main character as the living flesh, in need of nothing outside of self to make me happy or feel good.