Other other day Amy entered the room when I was sitting at the table. This is the beginning of this moment that I am looking at.
She sat down beside me and we started talking. I informed her that I thought that we should add my name to the house so that we could refinance our debt and pay her dad off. I have already done the math and we would actually reduce our monthly obligations by doing so.
She had no response. I was expecting her to agree in the moment. She continued to look out the window as if considering this but looking like she would disagree more than agree. I began to feel irritated at this. Thoughts entered my head like "what's her problem!? This is a no-brainer. This is obviously the way we should go! What the fuck is she thinking about?"
Then, she finally spoke and she asked "weren't you going to file bankruptcy on your debt?" referring to a previous conversation we had where we explored the bankruptcy option and that I could file in my name only, since the house in not in my name and the credit card debts are. In that moment, thoughts raced in my head like "Why the fuck is she bringing this up? Refinancing is obviously the better option!" Then I remember previous back-chat that I had with myself about how I feel penned up by my f-n-ls generosity (ironically) in buying the house for us free and clear, but only putting it in her name. Like now, he has a bit of indirect control over me, as a result of this "good deed", and that I need to get out from under his thumb, so to speak.
Then I also remembered other previous back chat, of a surreptitious nature, where I conspired with myself to, after the house is in my name, tap the equity to invest in real estate. Of course, I planned on doing this in the open upon Amy's agreement, but that would be discussed in the future after the refinancing is behind us with her not knowing of my plans before hand.
So, with this said, with her not appearing to be agreeing here, I felt as if my plans would be stymied, once again feeling trapped. I also judged her negatively as not being able to think things though and have had previous memories of my judging her so, of which fueled more agitation.
With all this coming up, I had a moment available to me where I could breathe, but instead went into an emotional outburst of anger where I slightly raised my voice in pitch and volume, and said in a harsh tone with tense body language, things to the nature of "refinancing is the best choice and you are stupid for not seeing this" although those words were not specifically used, that is what my words equated to.
She then, to my surprise, agreed that if her dad is ok with my proposal, then she would be ok with it. She then confided that she was having an adverse physiological response to my attitude, that I cannot describe here, where I reacted to with quilt and shame because I was already aware that my words and actions where harmful, especially to her, because of her pre-existing condition that precludes her from being able to handle stress on a physical level, even verbal stress, like most people.
I apologized with sincerity. The conversation ended amicably. She walked out of the room. The moment ended.
Note:
This is one example a pattern that I go into, where I get irritated and / or agitated, then when a certain trigger comes up, I go into an emotional outburst, of anger and / or defensiveness, then feel bad about it and calm down. It is usually short-lived and does not escalate beyond verbal things like higher-pitched voice, being loud, talking fast and harshly, with tense unapproachable body language.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that Amy should agree with me in the moment that I make a proposal to her, immediately and with enthusiasm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when waiting on her response, react with thoughts like "what's her problem!? This is a no-brainer. This is obviously the way we should go! What the fuck is she thinking about?" as a reaction to her not responding the way I expected her to. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that these thoughts are of me, as who I really am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and frustration, fueled and charged by these thoughts, and also memories of the past, charged with these emotions, where I remember Amy not acquiescing the way I expected her to. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this irritation and frustration is me and is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with thoughts like "Why the fuck is she bringing this up? Refinancing is obviously the better option!" and also react in agitation, irritation, and frustration, to Amy's question: "weren't you going to file bankruptcy on your debt?"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate back-chat about how I feel penned up by my f-n-ls generosity in buying the house for us free and clear, but only putting it in her name. And that, he has a bit of indirect control over me, as a result of this "good deed", and that I need to get out from under his thumb, not realizing that this is concocted bullshit that exists only in my mind that fuels and charges emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, and perceive that I am trapped, and to react emotionally to this. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the only "trap" that I am in, is the trap of the mind that I created for myself through my own self-dishonesty. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take self-responsibility to free myself from this trap, that is me as ego, one breath at a time, breath-by-breath, with consistent application in and as applying self-honesty in every moment. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for the trap that I have trapped myself in, so that I can hide and not take self-responsibility. Within all of this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that participating in this type of back-chat fuels and charges emotional reactions in the future, further trapping myself. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress frustration, irritation, and anger towards this, as memories in and as my physical body..
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold secretive plans as a way to entertain and delude myself that I am some sort of maverick that will free himself of this "trap" through conquest and domination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold plans of a surreptitious nature, where I conspire with myself to, after the house is in my name, tap the equity to invest in real estate; in-spite, of everyone else.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and then feel as if "my plans are being stymied" as a reaction to her appearing (to me as within and as my perception) to "not be agreeing with me". Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in frustration and anger towards her for not being agreeable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to I judge Amy negatively as not being able to think things though in this moment and in the past, not realizing that she is her own person and comes to her own conclusions, and that my conclusions are not always best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, with all this coming up, not take self-responsibility to stand as the breath of Life, when I had a moment available to me to do so, but instead went into an "emotional outburst of anger" where I slightly raised my voice in pitch and volume, and said in a harsh tone with tense body language, things to the nature of "refinancing is the best choice and you are stupid for not seeing this".
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I feel dis-empowered, to do anything about my "situation" which is otherwise known as the point of "feeling trapped" Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my anger reaction is a form of false "empowerment", where I give myself the illusion of empowerment, like I am doing something about my situation, but it is not real and my starting point is dis-empowerment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with surprise when Amy said "she agree if her dad is ok with my proposal", as a response to my anger reaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with guilt, when she then confided that she was having an adverse physiological response to my attitude, of which, guilt, does nothing to support her as me as Life, and is derived from relationship obligated bullshit that upholds consciousness as relationships. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to into a guilt reaction because I "already knew" that my words and actions where harmful, especially to her, because of her pre-existing condition that precludes her from being able to handle stress on a physical level, even verbal stress, like most people. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand, that the proper action is to take self responsibility in every moment of breath, as the awareness of the breath, to thus stop these thoughts and reactions, as they come up, remaining here as the breath as her as me, where I can be supportive and we can have a conversation that is productive and mutually beneficial, and where guilt is not required nor ever gone into for any reason whatsoever.
When and as I see myself even getting close to a situation like this, where reactive thoughts and judgments are entering into my mind along with emotional reactions such as irritation, frustration, agitation, and anger, especially if this is coming up from memories of the past which are a red-flag because I realize that memories can be emotionally charged - I STOP. I commit myself to slow myself down through breathing as a precaution to stop reacting before it gets out of hand. I remind myself that these thoughts, judgments, irritations, frustrations, and agitation are not me. I then,
commit myself to step in and direct these points, when and as they occur, as the awareness of the breath that is me as all as one as equal, with the intent of remaining calm and stopping when and as I have that opportunity to STOP within and as applying myself in the moment of breath. I commit myself to, as Me as the self directive principle of Me, to stop the thoughts and emotional reactions, through bringing my breathing into and as my awareness as me - remembering that these thoughts and emotions are NOT me, not who I really am of Life, and that I am not the mind. From here, I commit myself to have a conversation in equality in and as the breath, considering the other as me.
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