Day 424 - I'm Sorry

I notice myself apologizing a lot; and when I look at this, I see that it is more in a way to "grease-the-social-skids", than to make a real change. In fact, I guess that this is what this word is for when you look at the definition:

Apology: "A regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure"

And then there is the word:

Sorry: "Feeling regret or penitence."

And then there is the word:

Penitence: "The action of feeling or showing sorrow and regret for having done wrong; repentance."

which, as per the definition, an apology involves having done "wrong", which is "reptilian logic" of which is based upon “right and wrong”, “good and bad”, “positive and negative”.  

So, basically, when someone does something "bad / wrong / negative" and is caught for it, that creates an "offense" and then there are like "charges" against that person and then an apology is required / owed, in order to balance the equation once again.  Thus, there is no actual self-honesty required in an apology, just "words" to balance polarity charges and "ease the polls", like a form of policing action.    

More-over, I even find myself apologizing, at times, as a way to take the "higher road", kind of like being "sinless", yet going to the cross for the "sins of the world."  Like, hey man, I apologize because I am that cool.  I can take a hit.  

But, in the end, because there is no self-honesty required in an apology, then there is no change, and the same shit is going to come up again in the future, which makes an apology meaningless.  Funny thing an apology is.

So, perhaps I should redefine the words "apology" and "sorry":

"Apology / Apologize" sounds like:

  - appalled guy / appall(ed) guise -- which sounds like it means: giving the impression (disguise) of being dismayed or even horrified of ones actions (very interesting)

  - ape eulogy -- very interesting too, I see, because often times we say "monkey head" things in apologies like "you did not deserve this or that because of your "saintliness" in this situation, etc., etc.

  - a polo guy -- I am making a bit of a stretch here, but the name "polo" is a Tibetan boys name, meaning "brave wanderer".  And a wanderer is someone who travels "aimlessly".

 And the word "Sorry" sounds like:

  - soar eye -- Like I rose "too high" on myself and could not see what I was doing

  - sour eye -- My actions were based on a sour eye - tainting my interpretation of things to that of negative and that disposition being the starting point for my words and behavior.

  - sore eye -- Seeing things from a point of personal pain and then acting accordingly.

  - sure eye -- like I was too self-assured in my eye and could not see 

  - sure why -- same as sure eye.

  - sewer eye -- needs no explanation here

Ok, so from the sounding of the words, I can see some redeeming qualities in the word "sorry" but not too much in the word "apology".  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I am sorry" and to apologize from a starting point of a feeling of regret and penitence, instead of from a starting point of self honesty and self awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm sorry" and to apologize from a starting point of "greasing the social skids" without also looking at myself in self-honesty to see if there was a point or pattern that I missed or am covering up, where I am not acting in equality and oneness and need to direct as breath, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say "I'm sorry" and apologize just so that I can look like "I am an-appalled-guy" for my actions, as a form of a show to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give an appall(ed) guise, falsely giving the impression (disguise) of being dismayed or even horrified of my words and/or actions so that I can "grease the social skids", get what I want, give a false impression of who I am in another's eyes, and/or not have to really in-fact face the truth of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologize like "a polo guy" - an aimless wanderer -- who throws words out aimlessly following them where-ever they may lead / speaking in the moment without self-honest consideration as all as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I "owe" an apology in order to balance the equation based upon reptilian logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am "owed" an apology because of a "wrong" that someone has done unto me of which is reptilian logic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an apology is due / owed because of things that I have judged as "wrong/negative/bad" of which is polarity and enslavement to the mind as systems, devoid of Life.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disdain as a reaction to my belief that an apology is due/owed, but not given.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling penitent, regretful, and remorseful when I have judged my actions as "wrong/bad/negative" in the eyes of another; instead of remaining grounded as the in-breath in and as self-awareness, testing my self awareness into infinity against the standard of all-as-one-as-equal in the infinite moment between the in-breath and the out-breath, and then expressing as one with my self awareness in the out-breath - as my solution and my eternal stance, of no mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow emotions of penitence, regret, and remorse be the starting point of an apology instead of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make an apology to avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I say "I'm sorry" I am really saying that I have a sore/sour/sure/soar/sewer "I" that needs to be made into a healed/made-palatable/humbled/brought-back-to-earth/cleaned-up "I" - and within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the self-commitment to radical self-honest change involved in an apology because only I can do this for myself and I must do this for myself in order to be one with my words when I speak an apology.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to apologize with no commitment to actual change.

When and as I see myself going into an apology I commit myself to bring my self-honesty in this matter into and as my immediate awareness and thus use an apology only when the circumstance merits from an absolute self-honest all-as-one-as-equal position where self-change in the matter is equally part of the equation OR because of the social condition of this world as it exists now, I have no other option but to apologize in order to keep the mind consciousness systems from freaking out.

I commit myself to use the words "I'm sorry" sparingly.

I commit myself to live the words "I'm sorry and I apologize" by speaking these words, sparingly, but when spoken, they are spoken with an equal-and-one self-commitment to apply myself to the change required, so that an apology will never again come up, for the matter-at-hand, from a starting point of my self-dishonesty.