When
things get stressful at work, meaning – when I get scared of the
potential outcomes of certain events, I go into this mode of work and
then come home and vegetate. I feel like if I do anything else other
than some mindless activity that I will not have time to do it, even
though I have time to vegetate. I also feel that if things at work
go really bad, I might be out of a job or income and therefore will
not have the time to dedicate to writing. This is strange, but true.
Basically,
I cannot seem to write consistently unless things are going well at
work. So, for the past month or so, I have had a series of things at
work that were all very 'scary' and very stressful because I was
fearing the potential outcome of these things, and as a consequence,
my writings fell of a cliff because I was basically too scared to
write. I was too scared to commit myself to something other than
thinking about these 'problems', working, or vegetating. But the
vegetating. is not just as a release from the stress, it is because
of the strange rationale that I have no time to write because of the
potential disaster that these work-related-events may cause. I don’t
even know how to really say this. This is just what is in my head
and I am getting it out as best as I can. I also have this problem
with doing chores and other responsibilities when things at work
become scary.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that I cannot write while under stress.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be to
'scared of potential bad things happening to me to write'.
I
forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into cycles of stress
and then release wherein when I go into the release phase I am only
able to do things that are distracting me from what I am allowing to
stress me out. And
within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to participate in energy-cycles of tension and release where I become
so tense that I cannot fathom doing anything else other than the
exact opposite: complete vegetation.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate
in the thought that 'I cannot write because I am too stressed out”
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to myself to
participate in the thought idea that 'I cannot write because 'bad'
things might happen to me'
I
forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if something
bad might happen to me, that
I must either
worry about it or spend time forgetting about it; and within that I
forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to use stressful events as an
excuse and justification to waste time.
I
forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the
emotional reaction of stress towards potentially adverse events.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the
emotions of stress and fear to potentially adverse outcomes to
events, particularly at work.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that I need to participate in stress in order to fix potentially
adverse scenarios.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
that if I take care of my practical responsibilities while 'stressful
and scary events' are going on in my life, that I am somehow not
taking full responsibilities and action in helping ensure things work
out to my benefit. And within that, I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed my participation in this rational to form a
basis for me to waste time.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the
emotion of fear to outcomes that could be adverse in my life.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become
consumed with thinking about potential solutions to stressful events
to the point that I feel that I need to release myself by 'vegging
out'
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label and
define outcomes
that could potentially be adverse as 'stressful' and within that I
forgive myself that I have
not allowed myself to approach these with
practical solutions and breathing.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend
energy thinking and worrying about the potential outcome of events to
the extent that I then need to 'veg-out' in which I spend no energy
just goofing off and doing mindless activities.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the
realization that everything has a consequence and that all that I can
do to be most effect is spend time considering the most effect
solution and then be sure that it happens to the best of my abilities
and beyond that I need to remain here and breathe and walk through my
day, in and as the breath.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize, and understand, that I am participating in energy cycles by
going in and out of the emotions of stress and fear and then vegging
out and laziness. And within that I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into my mind and energy
cycles by participating in these emotions.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate
in resistance to writing because of the strange logic that 'I cannot
write while potentially adverse events are simultaneously going on in
the background because bad things might happen to me if I do so' -And
within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to participate in this strange logic rather than sorting it out,
through writing, and breathing as a solution.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see,
realize, and understand that I have been allowing events in my life
to be the basis for whether or not I can remain here and direct
myself to stopping my mind and that this leaves me completely subject
to my outside environment.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be
able to direct myself to stopping my mind if my 'life is going well'.
Self
Commitments:
When
and as I see myself going into stress and resistance to writing over
potentially adverse outcomes, in my life or at work, I stop my
participation in these emotions and I breathe. I bring myself back
here as the physical and as the breath. I do not allow myself to
participate in stress and us stress as a formation of resistance to
taking self-responsibility to write myself out and stop my mind.
And
thus, I commit myself to writing-out
my stress
until I am clear on this point and I also commit myself to breathing
through points of stress, as they occur, and remaining here and
directing myself to continue to write my daily, or almost daily,
blogs which is my self commitment to stopping my mind.
When
and as I see myself going into the energy cycles of beings stressed
out and fearful, and then going into the direct opposite of vegging
out and not thinking too much, I stop and I breath because I see,
realize, and understand that this is an energy cycle fueled by my
thinking too much and participating in the resulting emotions of
stress/fear of potential outcomes and then the opposite emotion of
'vegging out' as a release point of the stress.
And
thus I commit myself to breathing through the stress and the fear of
potential outcomes at work, or anything in my life, and remaining
here and directing myself to apply the best practical solution and
then continue with my self-commitments and self-responsibly to
recreate myself as a living, breathing, physical being, instead of
allowing this energetic cycle, that I have identified, as resistance.
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