JTL Day 56 – Day 9 of 21 days of Writing Every Day – Pot and Alcohol

So, after going in and out on this point for quite some time now, I am beginning to see, first hand, how pot and alcohol bring me right into my mind and work to destabilize me in my process. Even dabbling with these 2 toxins sets me back. I see how when I am stoned and or slightly drunk, that I then become more easily influenced by my thoughts, I accept and allow more thoughts, feelings, and desires to consume me and influence me. I see how by having even a drink, as I hardly drink now, but when I do, even one drink causes a physical and mental reaction that works to destabilize me and bring me into my mind. The same goes with pot, I become more mind possessed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'dabble' with pot and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse/justification that 'just a little bit' is OK.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the desire to be stoned; and within that I forgive myself that I have ignored the realization that being stoned is an escape into my mind where I try not to face myself right here in the physical as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that by being stoned and drunk, I am sabotaging my process of stopping my mind by enhancing my mind and the control it has over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that smoking pot and drinking encourages more thinking, feeling, and emoting, which in turns requires energy which in turn is resourced from my physical body which in turn adds to my physical tired-ness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that smoking pot and drinking alcohol are both mind-stimulants and give my mind more power of me as well as help me to escape into my mind where I can just 'forget'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat that 'I am not happy being here just breathing and need something more'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that smoking pot and drinking help to enhance my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that is me, of life, that is desiring to enhance my experience rather than the reality that I don't need anything to enhance my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the 'need to enhance' my life experience implies that I am not 'happy' just being here, breathing, and thus, if that is the case, then I am not actually breathing. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow my thoughts, my desires, my feelings, rather than to just stop and breathe and bring myself back here to the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others smoking pot and then feel as if I need to do so too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in the past wherein I am driven to smoke pot because of memories of smoking pot and partying and having fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to re-live the past through smoking pot and drinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that when I desire to anything in the 'future' based on memories from the 'past' that I want to 'relive', that I am not 'here' in the physical, but completely lost in my mind which is always in the past and the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to greatly diminish my pot and alcohol use to almost hardly at all, but to still let a little in. And within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process of self-change and stopping my mind, by making justifications so as to not completely stop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that others are having more fun than I am because they smoke pot and are able to have a 'good tasting' alcoholic beverage; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jealous of others perceived life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body with alcohol.

When and as I am faced with the option of smoking pot or having any alcohol, I stop and breathe and bring myself back to the breath, the physical as me. I do not accept and allow myself to smoke pot and or drink alcohol because I see, realize, and understand that both substances support mind-consciousness systems and the entrapment of myself into the mind. And thus, I commit myself to stopping all use of pot and alcohol and instead breathing and stopping all thoughts, feelings, desires, and emotions as they come up that drive me to desire to smoke pot and drink. I commit myself to further writing on this should I not be able to stop.