Day 39 – More On Boredom

Ok, so according to the ‘What is boredom’ video boredom is an energetic mind-possession brought upon by suppressed anger because of blame towards others in one’s world. 

 

However, my experience with boredom is that I just don’t want to do the same old thing all the time.  In fact, I look for things to do that would be exciting, such as things mentioned in my previous post – and it is not these things that drive me, in and of themselves as much as the escape from boredom that drives me to these things.

 

Sometimes, when bored doing the ‘same old thing’ or doing something ‘normal’ or ‘practical’ I just go for a quick diversion and participate in something ‘fun’, whatever it is. 

 

Another point, is that I have memories of my doing ‘fun’ things in my free time, when I was a young adult, and I am always trying to live up to them and repeat them as if life requires me to always have ‘fun’ just like I did in the past.  I fear being bored and I fear not being able to have fun like them memories that I have of me in my past.  Even with that said and as I have already mentioned - most of the things that I do to alleviate my ‘boredom’ experience, I am not really that interested in.  In fact, they are even boring themselves as they are the same diversion/’fun’ activities most of the time, as there are only really so many options in the first place. 

 

Another point that is confusing to me is that unlike the ‘What is Boredom’ video suggests, I do not have an overall ‘everything is boring’ attitude and boredom comes and goes throughout my day instead of being something constant and overwhelming.  However, to a certain extent, I dread just being here and breathing.  When things slow down enough, I become scared in a way of just being here with nothing ‘cool’ and ‘fun’ to do.  So, then I start ‘looking’ for things to do and then I run through my list as mentioned already.  I run through the list with not much enthusiasm as I realize that there really isn’t anything that will actually alleviate my boredom and that I am really just bored with life, overall.  I know I just wrote that I am not bored all the time; however, maybe a better way to put it is that I am not always really bored. 

 

I get bored when things slow down and I start realizing that I may have nothing to do.  I then proceed to tell myself that I need to have something ‘fun’ or ‘interesting’ or gratifying’ to do and then start searching for things to do.  Usually, I really have nothing specific to do in these instances and then I start running through the list of typical diversions.  This list has narrowed as I do not participate in these things so much any longer nor am I as interested in these activities as much as I used to.  It is just that I do not really have a lot of other options. 

 

So, when things slow down, I start wanting to do something exciting and fun, even hard drugs.  The thought goes through my mind, but I never do that.  Or maybe I day dream about going out to a night club.  I never do this either, I just remember as a young adult going to night clubs with my friends and having a lot of fun just seeing what kind of action we could drum up.  I had a lot of fun also from the point that going out was adventurous and different often times.  Now, my life is the same thing every day, practically.

 

Now, it is not really ‘bad’ to have the same thing every day.  It is just that I have these memories of going out and having fun and doing new things and doing drugs and so on and so forth, from many years ago, that remind me that life could be a whole lot more ‘fun’ than it is now, and that I used to have a ‘good’ time just doing crazy things all the time. 

 

But, I was probably bored then, now that I look at it.  I was probably bored and searching for something fun to do and just had more options as a single guy with no kids.  And those options were on the list back then, as they are not now – so I feel that I am missing out but I am probably no worse off.

 

And then there is when I was a kid.  I used to have a lot of ‘fun’ playing games, building forts, riding bikes, all kinds of stuff.  I could run around and play all day with my friends.  I had a lot of ‘fun’.  So, I look back on those days too, and think to myself that I need to live like that again.  I ‘wish’ I could go back there again and just be a kid again when having ‘fun’ was so much more simple and came so much easier.

 

But, I look back to when I was a kid and there were times even then when I was bored.  And there were a lot of times where I had to do chores for hours or other grudge work where I did not have any fun.

 

So, what is it exactly that manifests this boredom?  Back to the ‘what is boredom’ video, the video suggests that boredom is an energetic mind possession brought about by reactions of blame and suppressed anger to one’s world that accumulate within the body and the mind as memories in layers until they manifest as the experience of boredom.

 

So, who do I blame and who am I angry at?  The answer to that is not coming to me easily.  I know that I blame my boss sometimes for not coming into work early enough.  I blame my mother for moving me from California when I was a teen-ager and thereby screwing up my life, back then.  I blame my father-in-law for supporting the war on terror and believing all that nonsense.  I blame my manufacturers that I buy cabinets from at times for screwing up my business (usually when they do something that does affect me negatively).  I blame the ‘masses’ of people who chose to remain ignorant of oneness and equality.  I blame doctors for being so easily brainwashed into believing in ridiculous medicines like vaccines that are contrary to common sense by any stretch of the imagination.  I blame ‘liberals’ and ‘conservatives’ for being conned by the system into believing that they could possibly make a difference by labeling themselves as such.  And I guess I suppress a little anger towards all these groups as well. 

 

But, I don’t have a lot of blame and resentment and anger towards these people, consciously at least.  At times in the past I have, but now and especially over that past few years, I have been pretty cool about all these issues of blame – meaning, I don’t have any hard-core grudges towards anyone, and I see, realize, and understand that when I blame these people and anyone for that matter, I am really just angry with myself and abdicating my own personal responsibility in these matters. 

 

So, within this blame and suppressed anger towards these people and these groups of people, I suppose that I am also taking a self-righteous egotistical position and that this also feeds this energetic mind possession of the experience of boredom.

 

So, I am going to make a blame list on my next post.  I am going to list everything that I can think of that I blame and suppress anger towards.  I did not really think these issues were very significant, but I can see now that quite possibly they are and they are responsible for helping me to create this experience of boredom which then leads to me falling in other areas to ‘fill’ this boredom as well when in fact the boredom is a symptom of the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as me that I have not forgiven.