What
I seek to do for entertainment, when I look at it, are things of self-interest,
like, smoking pot, masturbating, hanging out with people, talking, listening to
the radio, playing games like chess, having a beer, playing the piano, reading
about current events, and just about anything that I can distract myself
with. In fact, maybe it is more of the
distraction that I seek than the stimulation.
I really think that it is distraction that I seek something to distract
me from my current state of sameness – the same activity, or an activity of
necessity that is no longer satisfying or exciting.
So,
like for instance, I complete a task that is required of me to do for my
survival, or for some reason of necessity, and then as soon as that task is
over, I then become bored and seek something to do that is fun and exciting. Once I get back into something that is
required of me to do, I am ok for that time.
Then when the task is complete, I revert back to boredom – where I feel
restless and unhappy with the options that are available for me to do within
the context of what is best for all, such as writing myself out in self-honesty,
or any other task that is required of me to do.
So,
I am in this constant cycle of being bored as soon as a task is completed and
within that I go into a cycle of thoughts and considerations of what I can do
that would be exciting and fun and stimulating.
And then, I realize that these are all activities of self-interest and
that most of them I don’t do anymore or hardly participate in.
Such
as masturbating. I used to masturbate to
porn as a release point because I was bored amongst other reasons. Now, I might go masturbate without porn, but
this masturbation is usually not a point of self-expression with my body, but
rather it is a point of ‘I am bored’, I need to go masturbate because masturbating
feels good and is exciting’.
Beer
and Pot: My brother-in-law smokes
pot. I haven’t smoke pot for a
while. Recently I smoked pot because I
was bored and tired of doing the same thing over and over and over again. It is that simple. Well, also, I have fond memories of pot and I
actually fear not being able to experience these memories again – but even then
when I smoked pot regularly, it had a lot to do with boredom. As far as beer is concerned, I have been into
a little bit of drinking designer beers.
One per day, maybe – not much. I definitely
do not get drunk. However, the point of
falling for the beer is boredom.
So,
I have been defining myself as bored. I
have been defining my life as boring unless I am doing something exciting. I remember when I was a kid; it was similar
except I could be doing something exciting quite a bit rather than the way it
is now where I am hardly ever doing something that I would define as
exciting. When I was a kid, I would play
for hours with my friends. We would play
all kinds of games of all sorts, physical and mental – it was all a lot of
fun. When I became an older kid, and a
young adult, the excitement level was similar so long as I was partying and
getting drunk and stoned and meeting people and so forth, I was happy. I think it was the adventure, or is the
adventure that I miss, now that I think of it.
Crazy
as it sounds, I believe myself to be attempting to fill my life with a sense of
adventure by still participating, slightly, in a lot of these things mentioned
above, like masturbating (because I am bored and usually still to images in my
head to a certain extent), smoking pot (very seldom, but still on occasion because
I convince myself that I am missing out), drinking designer beers, and a host
of other activities, even eating too much, just anything to make life
interesting and exciting.
Why
can’t I just breathe and be here? Why do
I have to do something in order to be complete, or excited, or fulfilled? It’s really crazy because I will look for
things to do and actually think of all kinds of ideas and decide against them
because I am really not interested in them anyway – I was just trying to find
something exciting to do.
So,
here I am writing, and it is interesting because I am just writing and
breathing through all the impulses that I have to do something else and I am
not judging my writing so much – just letting it come out. Why have I charged writing as negative and
boring? Why have I accepted and allowed
myself to resist writing or define writing as not fun or as something that is
diminishing my life experience? What is
it that is really any more exciting that is not also of self-interest?
Maybe
it isn’t even that. Maybe it is the
memories of my childhood where everything was fresh and new and exciting just
because I was a young one who was learning about the world and didn’t have to
work to survive and just lived and expressed and had fun. Now, I know that it wasn’t all good times as
a child and I most certainly got ‘bored’ then too, but my memories of
experiencing new things and playing and having fun, so much fun, have kind of set
the tone for my expectations of what life should be like now.
Or
maybe it is also TV. Maybe too much
movies and TV as child has brainwashed me into thinking that life needs to be
always ‘happening’ to be enjoyed.
I
will get on Facebook, just to see if I got a reaction from someone from a
post. I will surf the net for news
stories that are ‘interesting’. I will
buy a beer that I have never heard of before just to have something exciting
and new. I will stop what I am doing and
go masturbate just for that awesome experience.
I will eat too much food. I will
do many things to feel like I am doing something new and exciting and fun and
therefore fulfilling. I will also, break
away from something that I need to do before it is finished just to do these
things.
From
the ‘What is Boredom’ video and I quote “Boredom is an energetic entirety created
through reactions that one had accumulated throughout a period of time towards
points, people, experiences and events within ones reality that one had
suppressed and that all together started accumulated and manifesting into this
energy entity that can only contain so much of an energetic charge in relation
to its total mind consciousness system structural design. So as one starts accumulating energies and if
it is of a particular natured energy that one has accumulated within oneself it
actually layers and it can only layer up to a point and what happens is
especially if it's a similar energy signature that energy signature will then
merge and expand throughout the human physical body and the mind consciousness system
to look for a release point because it’s not getting a release point and then
it possess so that one through one’s mind consciousness system in a reality
live out that energy within oneself where that living out one live out boredom
and one continue within that process and experience and application of boredom
where the mind consciousness system will then reconstitute itself align itself
accordingly and it will change itself to changing you to becoming the living
manifestation of boredom and all you do is regenerate and recharge reprogram
the same time-loop the same point over and over again – the mind consciousness
system is very happy and then it’s getting all of its energy from you allowing
that one point of boredom and the MCS is on a holiday because it's just one
point, just boredom and all it has to do is keep you in that state and you are
just channeling and just regenerating that boredom over and over again…”
This
gets really interesting because what I see going on here is that I am accepting
and allowing myself to be mind-possessed by boredom which is actually generating
and manifested within and as my experience from my suppressing my reactions to
events, people, points in my reality which is accumulating into this energy
entity/mind possession that is released as the mind possession of boredom. And then within that, I start searching for things
to dot that would be ‘exciting’, even inventing things to do that would be exciting
– in other words, I would not normally be so inclined to masturbate, or smoke
weed, or have a designer beer, it is just that I am already bored so then
therefore I am thinking of things to do that will alleviate this boredom and
then these topics come up, among other things.
So, by participating in these ‘exciting ‘activities I am not addressing
the source issue – reacting to events, points, people, and then suppressing
those reactions. Because to be quite
frank, all these ‘exciting activities’ that I just listed and others are not
what is driving me. It is the boredom
and the need to not be bored that is driving me to do these things.
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