I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need
to be stimulated in order to be happy.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need
to be living up to memories of the past where I was happy in order to be happy
now.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that unless I
am doing something exciting then I am not happy.
I
forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand
that this desire to be happy is really me finding ways to stimulate myself with
energetic activities that cause my mind to become excited of which I live for
and die for.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted allowed myself to not see, realize, and
understand that living is breathing and being here and that I am always here –
I just need to take a breath and be here where I already am, where I already am
happiness as me.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an energy
addict – addicted to stimulating experiences in whatever shape or form they can
come.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ‘impulsive’ in
order to find ways to stimulate myself and derive energy from activities when I
find that things are slowing down and I am not stimulated enough.
I
forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and breathe and bring
myself back here within and as the breath when that moment arrives when the
thought occurs in my mind “I am bored and I cannot just be here – I need
something to do!”
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional
experience of ‘boredom’ to the thought that I cannot just be here and I need
something to do.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and
understand that by participating in the emotional construct of boredom and then
seeking energy as a way to alleviate boredom I am creating and participating in
a polarity of positive and negative – a never ending cycle of self-created
energy addiction, fulfillment, running out of the experience and then getting
bored and starting all over again.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will
not be happy just being here and stopping the thoughts and emotions that come
up that "I am bored and need stimulation".
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘pursue happiness’ in
separation of myself as if I am missing something, as if I am missing me as all
as one as equal and therefore am already complete and in need of nothing.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and
understand that all that I need is the breath of life of me as me as who I am
and that I already have that, I already am that.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing what is
practical for my survival and what is practical for me to transcend my mind and
live here in oneness and equality as ‘boring’ and as ‘not fulfilling’ in
separation of myself as already complete and within that I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself by wasting countless
hours on excursions and fleeting energy deriving activities just so that I can
feel happy.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my past to
the present.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my past
was ‘better’ than my present in separation of myself. And within that I forgive myself that I have
not allowed myself to see realize and understand that by comparing my past to
my present I am separating myself and living in and as my mind as a mind-consciousness
system.
When
and as I see myself going into the thought that 'I am bored and need something
to do', I stop and I breath because I see realize and understand that boredom
is a self-created experience that is not real outside of my mind and that what
I am really doing is seeking an energetic fix because I cannot just be here and
breathe.
And
thus I commit myself to stopping myself when I have a thought or feeling that I
am bored and need to do something to not be bored because I already am all that
I need to be fulfilled and satisfied and happy as I am all that exists already.
When
and as I see myself having a thought that I cannot sit still and need to do
something more fun that what I am doing now, which I have defined as boring, I
stop and I breath because I see, realize, and understand that by participating
in such thoughts, I am perpetuating separation which has an outflow of
consequence of this exact reality of mass suffering and that it is shameful and
unacceptable to participate in this when one knows the consequences.
And
thus, I commit myself to stopping my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and impulses
and desires to participate in energetic highs as distractions to keep me from
being here in the breath in every moment.
When
and as I see myself defining myself as ‘bored’, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to
participate in the emotional construct of ‘boredom’ because I see, realize, and
understand that boredom has underlying causes within blame and suppressed anger
at those I blame, that I also need to sort out – and thus participating in ‘boredom’
is just serving as an emotional release for another emotional ‘problem’ that I
need to address and stop.
And
thus, I commit myself to sorting out my issues with blame and anger in future
blogs and stopping my aiding and abetting of blame and suppressed anger at
those I blame by venting these through the emotional self-created experience of
boredom.
When
and as I see myself participating in defining myself as not happy because I
need to do something more fun, I stop and I breathe because I see realize and
understand that I am trapping myself within the infinity cycle of happy, sad,
bored, fun that goes on and on forever and never stops and only acts as
friction to charge my mind and keep it ‘alive’ and in the driver’s seat.
And
thus, I commit myself to stopping this cycle of infinite fucked-ness by writing
out all the systems and patterns that drive me and then forgiving them and then
breathing in every moment, here – where I am happiness as me, and I am
stimulation as me, and I am one and equal with all that exists as me – in need
of nothing for my fulfillment because I am fulfillment.
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