And so, I gave in. It happened slowly, maybe over the course of a week or two. At first, I just needed time, then that became more time and another day or so – and then, finally I began to kind of get into the groove of not writing so much. Yet, I still speak self-forgiveness almost daily and sometimes quite a bit. After a couple of weeks, my assignment became more like a memory as I began to ‘feel’ the ‘freedom’ of not writing every day and not having to deal with it either.
I have this part of me that resents having to write every day or even having to write at all for that matter, just so that I can be ‘here’ when I already am ‘here’. I don’t want to have to methodically stop myself from participating in and as the mind consciousness system – as my preprogrammed personality and predestined ‘roll’ within the matrix that I have been born to fulfill so that I can thereby support the power structure of this world and my own enslavement while I am at it! I resent how I have to write to stop this!
I want to just be ‘here’ and live my life and enjoy the ‘moment’ as best I can. Yet, I can only say this because I have money. If I have no money, then all I can say is ‘can you please help me out.’ And I don’t have a lot of money – just enough to be able to want to ‘live’ my life and be left alone from all the bothers of the world. I just want me and my little world – my little ‘world’ that is slowly closing in on me. By closing in on me, I mean that this world is breaking down to the extent that there will be fewer and fewer of us who are able to stand economically, which could include me one day.
You see, when one realizes that the very thoughts one participates-in are reflected in this world and everything in it, and then to also realize that therefore the ‘world’ out there is revealing what one has accepted and allowed within one’s own thoughts; and then, to also have the realization that what is going on in this world: the people being bombed, the people starving, the people being swindled of their life savings, and the list is endless – that these things are both unacceptable and DO NOT have to be- When one realizes these things and one’s responsibility in all this, it’s hard to continue on in this manner. Or at least that is the way it is for me.
So, I have been struggling for many years now to slow-down and write myself to freedom. However, at the same time I have wanted to ‘live’ life ‘my way’ in spite of the consequences that are being suffered by others and also by me. And that is really weird that I would thereby give my tacit approval of this world the way it is currently set-up - where we are compelled to work in a highly competitive do or die system that is designed to siphon off the labor of the masses in the form of wealth and power to the few controlling and well-disguised elite.
And why do I want to subject myself to this slavery? I know: Because I am emotional. Because I believe that I need all that shit that I ‘think’ I need in order to be 'here' and not be bored. Because I am impulsive . Because I need to have my mind stimulated more intensiley than what sitting down and writing can do. Because I would rather do something else. Because I don’t want to face myself. Because I am afraid to face myself. Because facing myself is too boring. Because I shouldn’t have to face myself, damnit ‘life is too short to have to face myself’!
So why chose to manifest a world of treachery and ‘hell-on-earth’ for most and paradise for the lucky few, when one can choose to eventually manifest a world of guaranteed ‘happiness’ to all, simply by giving unto others as one would like to have done onto oneself? Which is done by the stopping the support of the systems of this world that impose the suffering of us all, which is done by stopping one’s mind – the mind consciousness system – that exists within us all, which is the source of what exists in this ‘outer world’ - and this is done by becoming the directive point of one’s life, as the breath. And by the way, the manifesting of a 'new world' is not a condition of stopping the mind, it is an inevitable consequence if one is to see it through for the duration required to bring about such change - but even if this change does not occur, stopping one's mind is the only way one can bring sanity - true sanity - to one's own inner reality. The more one investigates this, the more one will see this to be the case.
And this all starts right now in every breath - breath by breath. That’s all. You see, it IS in the best interest of all for one to stop the mind and become life even if the road is long and the journey is far. Each step in the process is a step that is best for all. So, just walk and breathe.
Why not manifest a system that supports all life equally and unconditionally (both in my inner world and outerworld)?
Why is this so much to ask others?
Why is this so much to ask of myself?
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