Day 40 – Self forgiveness on not wanting to just be here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist just being here and breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot just be here and breathe and be ‘happy’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being ‘happy’ as doing something ‘fun and interesting’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be seeking something ‘fun and interesting’ because of my belief that I will not be happy unless I am doing so; and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that while ‘seeking fun and interesting activities to make my happy’ I am not breathing and remaining here as life, but rather I am living in my mind within seeking to do activities that I can derive energy from.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my desire to be happy doing something ‘fun and interesting’ is really a cover story for my secret desire to fulfill my energy addiction as a mind consciousness system always seeking energy to sustain myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to energy and ‘stimulation’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetics of mind-possessions such as boredom.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that participating in the experience of ‘boredom’ is of itself an energetic mind-possession.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be compulsively distracted when I am ‘attempting’ to remain stable and breathing and applying myself in my desteni assignments or at work or doing any activity that I have not defined as fun and interesting and entertaining.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my current experience of ‘happiness’ on memories of me being happy having fun as a child and young adult; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be seeking to ‘recreate’ that past experience of memories instead of just being here in the presence of breath in every moment – in which every moment is one and equal with all moments – all moments being the same moment within my personal experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that by seeking to re-create the ‘excitement and fun and even mystery’ of my past experiences, especially as a child, that I am living in my mind and not living as the breath of life here in every moment and thus I am sabotaging myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to define happiness as doing some activity that I have defined as fun and exciting in separation of myself rather than just to be happiness as me and live happiness as who I am in each and every breath of me as life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from all of existence by participating in the desire to be happy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define breathing and being ‘here’ as boring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot just breathe through the impulses that I have to escape what it is that I am doing for even a brief moment just because I have defined what it is that I am doing as ‘boring’ – and within that I forgive myself that I have created myself as impulsive.