I was born and raised in Fresno California, USA until I was 14 years old. Then my parents divorced and I moved to New Orleans, Louisiana, USA where my mom was from. I moved back and forth from Fresno to New Orleans as a young adult never really able to decide where I really wanted to live. Finally, I met my current partner, got married and settled in New Orleans (actually the New Orleans Area as I live in Abita Springs about 40 miles north).
I was not raised with any belief system in particular. My parents believed in god, but never did we go to church or even talk about god that much. My mom would talk about god more than my dad and she would spend time with me speculating on what was really true on occasion, but there were no real boundaries set by my parents as to what to believe.
So, because I was raised to be scientific in my approach to things and was not conditioned to believe any particular thing except that god existed, I was always able to consider everything that I came across without rejecting it. Until I came across Desteni, I had read extensively on eastern and western religions, I read new age stuff like Conversations with God and the Power of Now, and I had read the bible extremely thoroughly. In fact, I had 7 translations of the bible and read it several times.
It is interesting, because although I read the bible so extensively, I was never able to pray or “hear” from god or any of that shit that the normal Christians would claim. It was really interesting because I knew what the bible said more concisely than pretty much all Christians that I knew, and was able to make sense of it far more than what they were teaching in theology, yet I did not pray because it just didn't feel right, and I never heard from god.
So, basically, by the time I came across Desteni, through my scientific approach to finding truth and considering everything from eastern to western religions and new age, I had come to the conclusion that god did not exist as a separate being, but somehow was one with me, and that all mankind would be saved, but that salvation would come through our standing up in “doing what is right” in other words we had to be the second coming and Christ would be expressed through us as us, not as some sepearte entity coming down on a horse or on the clouds. But in this, I had also realized that we did not have free-will, but that god at an appointed time would “cause” us to stand up as christ. So, even though I understood that we had to be the change, it was still god doing it in us as us as far as I was concerned. I also understood that heaven and hell did not exist, but rather hell was what we are living right now and heaven is an internal condition to be achieved through living and doing what is right.
And because I believed in god and christ but had radically different views than basically all christians, I was not able to attend church or participate in any “normal” christian behaviour, but at the same time I was also completely ineffectual as living as christ as me because I was basically waiting for him to change me rather than change myself. I tried to change myself and succeeded in limited ways, but the big thing that I missed was self-forgivness as a practical tool to change. I missed this because I had fallen on that point that christ provided this forgiveness for us on the cross 2000 years ago, and therefore I did not have to do anything in this area, except maybe forgive others at times.
So, then one day I was researching hell on the internet trying to find a video that may help me prove my point that hell did not exist to someone that was challenging me on this and I came across the portal. I cannot remember what video it was that I saw at first, but I instantly recognized the common sense that was being portrayed and was very intrigued because I had never had things explained this way before. So I continued to watch all the other videos on youtube to the point where I was watching as many as I could every day. These videos by the portal were utterly amazing to me as they were filling in all the gaps and holes that I had in my current belief system from the standpoint of common sense. For instance, up until then, I just thought I had a problem with not being able to pray - not realizing that I was actually just being self-honest with myself in this case all along. I was self-honest with myself because I would not lie to myself and make up some prayer experience just so that I can feel like I am able to pray, which is what everyone is really doing who prays. And when I was introduced to the reality that god does not exist in-fact, I welcomed this with open arms because I also already was self-honest with the fact that I could not actually, in-fact, hear from god nor even pray to god. Furthermore, I was just waiting for this god experience to happen to me, all the while doing nothing; and when I could see in common sense that god does not actually exist and that I had to be that god that I was waiting for, I was instantly relieved from the standpoint that I was actually beginng to feel that I was really in-fact understanding what is actually going on in existence rather than waiting and hoping and even inventing a form of understanding as has been the case up until then.
This all happened back in late 2007 and early 2008. I joined the desteni forum back then and asked a lot of questions and really for the most part had no problem giving up all my beliefs. It took a while, but after a few months I no longer read the bible, talked about god, or anything. I just lived my life. I wanted to join SRA training back then, but had a predicament in that my partner (wife) at the time totally did not support this and even threatened with divorce. Of course, she wanted to divorce for a lot of reasons but I saw this as a tipping point that I did not want to explore. So, after about 6 months, I put Desteni on the back-burner. But, I have to say, from that point forward, I was permanently changed in that I could not go back to any form of belief system because of the common sense that I had aquired in that initial expereince with Desteni.
So, for about 3 years I would peak at the Desteni website and every now and then hop on the forum and ask questions, at times, but I did not pursue self forgivness and self-honesty in a full-on effort because I did not want my partner to catch on and also, self-honestly, I had a form of resistance maybe even denial whereby I did not want to put forth the effort. Even though I understood what I had to do and what needed to be done, I had a lot of trouble grappling with the fact that I had to really work to make the change. I basically realized that there were no magic tricks or supreme beings out there who were going to make everything ok, but at the same time I was not completely willing to do what was necessary, myself. So, to a certain extent, I used my partners resistance to the Desteni message as a crutch to not participate.
So, about 9 months ago, I saw the “Christianity is A Cult” song/video and the “World Equality Song” video and was immensly “inspired” to push through with this again. I began watching a ton of Bernard's videos, first in secret and then I eventually built-up the courage to watch them in front of my partner. Then, I finally convinced her to give them a try and she did just to please me. Back 3 years ago I tried to convince her to give the videos a try, but she totally resisted and threatened divorce because she was freaked-out by the message. So, this was a big impovement, and after a few weeks of watching the videos, she was able to see the common sense as well, and from this point forward it was game on.
Now I am here, starting my process, something that I had “dreamed of” for 3 years now and am so excited to start. I still have a lot of fears and doubts that I know that I need to explore in self-honesty and self-forgivness, but I am ready to do this because I no longer want to participate in the illusion of this picture reality world. While I still accept and allow myself to struggle with various forms of bullshit, I know and am ready to do everything that I can to release myself from this self-created prison that I have been existing in for all these billions of years and to birth myself as life and live a real life one and equal with all as me.
I was not raised with any belief system in particular. My parents believed in god, but never did we go to church or even talk about god that much. My mom would talk about god more than my dad and she would spend time with me speculating on what was really true on occasion, but there were no real boundaries set by my parents as to what to believe.
So, because I was raised to be scientific in my approach to things and was not conditioned to believe any particular thing except that god existed, I was always able to consider everything that I came across without rejecting it. Until I came across Desteni, I had read extensively on eastern and western religions, I read new age stuff like Conversations with God and the Power of Now, and I had read the bible extremely thoroughly. In fact, I had 7 translations of the bible and read it several times.
It is interesting, because although I read the bible so extensively, I was never able to pray or “hear” from god or any of that shit that the normal Christians would claim. It was really interesting because I knew what the bible said more concisely than pretty much all Christians that I knew, and was able to make sense of it far more than what they were teaching in theology, yet I did not pray because it just didn't feel right, and I never heard from god.
So, basically, by the time I came across Desteni, through my scientific approach to finding truth and considering everything from eastern to western religions and new age, I had come to the conclusion that god did not exist as a separate being, but somehow was one with me, and that all mankind would be saved, but that salvation would come through our standing up in “doing what is right” in other words we had to be the second coming and Christ would be expressed through us as us, not as some sepearte entity coming down on a horse or on the clouds. But in this, I had also realized that we did not have free-will, but that god at an appointed time would “cause” us to stand up as christ. So, even though I understood that we had to be the change, it was still god doing it in us as us as far as I was concerned. I also understood that heaven and hell did not exist, but rather hell was what we are living right now and heaven is an internal condition to be achieved through living and doing what is right.
And because I believed in god and christ but had radically different views than basically all christians, I was not able to attend church or participate in any “normal” christian behaviour, but at the same time I was also completely ineffectual as living as christ as me because I was basically waiting for him to change me rather than change myself. I tried to change myself and succeeded in limited ways, but the big thing that I missed was self-forgivness as a practical tool to change. I missed this because I had fallen on that point that christ provided this forgiveness for us on the cross 2000 years ago, and therefore I did not have to do anything in this area, except maybe forgive others at times.
So, then one day I was researching hell on the internet trying to find a video that may help me prove my point that hell did not exist to someone that was challenging me on this and I came across the portal. I cannot remember what video it was that I saw at first, but I instantly recognized the common sense that was being portrayed and was very intrigued because I had never had things explained this way before. So I continued to watch all the other videos on youtube to the point where I was watching as many as I could every day. These videos by the portal were utterly amazing to me as they were filling in all the gaps and holes that I had in my current belief system from the standpoint of common sense. For instance, up until then, I just thought I had a problem with not being able to pray - not realizing that I was actually just being self-honest with myself in this case all along. I was self-honest with myself because I would not lie to myself and make up some prayer experience just so that I can feel like I am able to pray, which is what everyone is really doing who prays. And when I was introduced to the reality that god does not exist in-fact, I welcomed this with open arms because I also already was self-honest with the fact that I could not actually, in-fact, hear from god nor even pray to god. Furthermore, I was just waiting for this god experience to happen to me, all the while doing nothing; and when I could see in common sense that god does not actually exist and that I had to be that god that I was waiting for, I was instantly relieved from the standpoint that I was actually beginng to feel that I was really in-fact understanding what is actually going on in existence rather than waiting and hoping and even inventing a form of understanding as has been the case up until then.
This all happened back in late 2007 and early 2008. I joined the desteni forum back then and asked a lot of questions and really for the most part had no problem giving up all my beliefs. It took a while, but after a few months I no longer read the bible, talked about god, or anything. I just lived my life. I wanted to join SRA training back then, but had a predicament in that my partner (wife) at the time totally did not support this and even threatened with divorce. Of course, she wanted to divorce for a lot of reasons but I saw this as a tipping point that I did not want to explore. So, after about 6 months, I put Desteni on the back-burner. But, I have to say, from that point forward, I was permanently changed in that I could not go back to any form of belief system because of the common sense that I had aquired in that initial expereince with Desteni.
So, for about 3 years I would peak at the Desteni website and every now and then hop on the forum and ask questions, at times, but I did not pursue self forgivness and self-honesty in a full-on effort because I did not want my partner to catch on and also, self-honestly, I had a form of resistance maybe even denial whereby I did not want to put forth the effort. Even though I understood what I had to do and what needed to be done, I had a lot of trouble grappling with the fact that I had to really work to make the change. I basically realized that there were no magic tricks or supreme beings out there who were going to make everything ok, but at the same time I was not completely willing to do what was necessary, myself. So, to a certain extent, I used my partners resistance to the Desteni message as a crutch to not participate.
So, about 9 months ago, I saw the “Christianity is A Cult” song/video and the “World Equality Song” video and was immensly “inspired” to push through with this again. I began watching a ton of Bernard's videos, first in secret and then I eventually built-up the courage to watch them in front of my partner. Then, I finally convinced her to give them a try and she did just to please me. Back 3 years ago I tried to convince her to give the videos a try, but she totally resisted and threatened divorce because she was freaked-out by the message. So, this was a big impovement, and after a few weeks of watching the videos, she was able to see the common sense as well, and from this point forward it was game on.
Now I am here, starting my process, something that I had “dreamed of” for 3 years now and am so excited to start. I still have a lot of fears and doubts that I know that I need to explore in self-honesty and self-forgivness, but I am ready to do this because I no longer want to participate in the illusion of this picture reality world. While I still accept and allow myself to struggle with various forms of bullshit, I know and am ready to do everything that I can to release myself from this self-created prison that I have been existing in for all these billions of years and to birth myself as life and live a real life one and equal with all as me.
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