Free Time

I just want to “take it easy” and fall back into my mind, my comfort zone. I have been experiencing a lot of backchat regarding completing assignments and also breathing through previous points that I have already explored. A lot of this also has to do with backchat that I accept and allow regarding “being normal” from the perspective that 'most people aren't spending all their free-time dealing with, what would be considered by “normal” humans: “trivial shit” regarding thoughts that one accepts and allows; and because of my participation within this backchat, I am creating the feeling of “missing out on free/fun time that I could otherwise be experiencing like everyone else”.

When I have free-time defined as time that I do not have to work or take care of some task, I find myself struggling with the desire to spend that time doing some sort of activity that I derive some form of pleasure from. I view this as my right and my need to be placing myself into activities that I find and have defined as pleasurable and “fun” in my free-time of which self-examination and writing to stop my mind, does not as of yet fall into that category. I feel as if I am missing-out on the living of my life when I abdicate my time to writing about myself as my mind.

I realize and understand that I, and I alone, am responsible for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as my mind both in my actual personal life experience and as it is universally – as the mind as it is expressed and represented in and as this world, as it is in its entirety. I realize and accept that my refusal to stop my mind is giving permission, not only for me to live within myself as systems, reactions, feelings, and emotions, but also I am giving permission for this existance to exist as it is in its current state. I realize that this current state of existance is unacceptable, so long as even one being suffers. I realize that the suffering that exists in this world is one and equal with what I have accepted and allowed within my own mind as me as the mind, and therefore realize and accept that not participating daily in the stoping of my mind is me giving permission for all the abuse and suffering in this world because I am giving permission for all the abuse and suffering to exist within my as my mind, my secret mind, conscious, subconcious, and unconcsious mind. I realize and accept that I have been giving permission for abuse and suffering to exist in this world, of which I could very well personally experience one day, just because I want to have it my way with “my” time.

I use the word “accept” to indicate that I am not in denial of these realites – not to indicate that I don't care or couldn't give a shit. I am writing this to stop my participation in the abdication of my self-responsiblitiy because of my participation in my own accepted and allowed backchat wherein I am telling myself lies to appease my desire to remain in the mind, systemitized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat, internal conversations with me and my mind, that I would rather not discipline myself to write self forgiveness daily or whenever I have time because I have not defined this as “fun”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize that I have defined writing as “not fun” which only exists in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and understand that activities only have values that I give to them and have no value in and of themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and understand that I have charged the word fun with as positive/good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place certain activities within this word and then thereby charge those activities as positive/fun in contrast to what I have not placed within the definition of the word fun.

I forgive myself that I have limited my ability to express and experience myself within the context of the definitions and values that I give words and activities and things that I attach to words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the emotion of fear of not having fun because of my participation in the thoughts that writing is not fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form resistance to writing because my participation within the emotion of fear of not having fun which is a result of my participation within the self created construct/definition of the way that I have defined the word fun in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and percieve that my happiness is attached to my fullfillment of activities that I have pre-definied as fun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness within the context of doing something that I have defined as fun in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to define happiness within the fullfillment of predefined activities outside of self is a point of separation and limitation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe, think, and percieve that happiness comes from participation in activities/thoughts outside of myself and that within this I have not allowed myself to realize that happiness can be redefined as something that I am and already possess here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility because of my participation in my accepted and allowed backchat and defintion that writing is not fun.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and understand that I have created a polarity within my experience due to my participation within my definition and positive value that I have given to the word fun and those activities and things that I have defined as fun – whereby I am either not participating in what I have defined as fun (bad/bored) or am participating in what I have defined as fun (good/entertained/living).

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I choose to be here, by simply breathing, no matter what activity that I paricipate in and to give any activity a positive or negative value only serves to create a polarity of postive and negative which brings me into and as my mind in separation from what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and create the construct of “free time” in which the words free and time I have assigned to the time that I am not doing something that is necessary to my survival.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to define the different segments of time that I have in polarity as positve (free) or negative (compolsary activities) only serves to create a polarity construct wihtin me which creates energy cycles wherein I am deprived of energy in the negative cycle and seeking to rechage in the positive cycle never being here as a constant as breath – not assigning any values whatsoever to my time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the sound construct within the word “time” as “tie me” = bind me/enslave me/limit me and also within my participation within the self described definition/construct of “free-time” I am binding/enslaving myself to the CONcept of FREE time in separation from myself and what is here as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and uderstand that I give to myself freedom within my ability to support myself to remain here as breath in every moment in oneness and equality with all as me wherein I am not judging, rating, and assigning values to things outside of myself in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in every I am supporting what is best for all if I am paricipating in what is practical to be done to support myself here in the physical/supporting my physcial needs and doing what is necessary to be done to stop my paricipation within my mind which does not entail judging my time in any way whatsoever but standing in every monent in equality as life, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and deserve to have some form of pleasure in what I have defined as free-time.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the reason why I have the desire to participate in some form of pleasure in what I have defined as freetime is because of my participation within thoughts derived from my self-described definition of certain segments of time as “free-time” and that it would be silly to have any emotional form of desire to seek pleasure in any segment of time if, in fact, I had no self-defined points in any of “my” time and allowed myself to realize that all time is in fact equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convinced myself that I need some form of pleasure to fill what I have defined as “free-time”.

When I see myself begin to paricipate in the emotional resistance to writing because of backchat that I accept and allow in which I tell myself that writing is not fun, not pleasruable, not something that makes me happy, and not what I want to do in my free-time, I stop, I breath until the resistance disipates. Then I sit down and write because I realize and accept that the emotion of resistance to writing is self created from my paricipation within the self-described definition of how I define my time in separation of myself. I realize and accept that to participate in this backchat wherein I give my time postive and negative values is self-deception and I stop and I breath at the very onset of any form of resistance whatsoever to writing, which is a tool that is necessary to bring myself into alignment with what is best for all.

I commit myself to pushing through all forms of resistance to writing and pursuing my process to birth myself as life free of the mind wherein I will live the definition of myself of free time as who I am as life truly free from the mind of limitation and time itself. I recognize that to live free time as myself will take a process of several years minimum of a commitment to breathing through all identified patterns, memories, constructs of my mind and that I really do not have free-time until I am able to birth myself as life from the physical.

I stop. I breathe.