Further Release from Existing in Separation within being Directed by My Mind

I met with a customer and his contractor a few days ago to go over cabinet doors that he did not like due to either minor nicks and abrasions or minor flaws in the wood product itself. On our previous meeting, for all but $750 of the balance of $3,800 that he owed us, I agreed to replace 16 doors out of a total 33 plus doors that the customer was originally complaining about for four reasons: One: out of fear that we wouldn't be able to manage our cash-flow without receiving the majority of this balance: Two: In the event that this winds-up in court, out of fear of how a judge might see this situation even though I feel that the customer is being unreasonable about the doors: Three: to avoid conflict, and 4: because the warranty rep. for for the manufacturer said that he would replace 12 doors without actually seeing them, just based on my word.

Between the meeting where I negotiated for the 16 doors to be replaced and this meeting earlier today, the warranty rep from the manufacturer dropped by, from out of state, to meet me to inspect the project and the doors. The customer happened to not be there because he couldn't make it. After inspecting not more than about ½ the doors that the customer was complaining about, the rep basically laughed and called this a joke. I can't help but agree with him because of the fact that most of the “problems” are nothing more than imperfections that have to do with natural elements and characteristics of wood veneer that are all well within range of what is reasonable for one to accept, or they are for damages of which it is impossible to determine who caused the damages with the likelihood being that it was not the manufacturer, or shipping, or my installers (without going into further detail as to why this is so). So, by the end of the meeting with the warranty rep, the 12 doors that he was going to replace dropped to about 5 because he could not legitimately replace these doors.

I basically agree with the warranty reps assessment of the situation and agreed the whole time but due to inexperience about where to draw the line between what is legitimate and what is ridiculous to expect replacement doors and fear of going to court and losing (which is a strange fear considering that I really do not believe and did not believe that the customer had a real issue from the beginning) and the other reasons listed above I was coerced to agree to replacing these doors. After the warranty rep confirmed what I had suspected the whole time, however, I began to become resentful towards the customer and his contractor for “pushing me” around. I also wanted to renegotiate based on this information from the warranty rep so that I would only have to replace the doors that legitimately fall withing the definition of what is a replaceable door because why should I have to pay to replace a bunch of doors that are not really my responsibility?

So, before this meeting with the customer and his contractor, today, I created and visualized myself “standing up” and drawing the line and “getting my way” with these two who were in my opinion trying to take advantage of me, for almost the entire day up until the meeting. When we finally meet I started to bring up the fact that the rep would not replace 12 doors as I originally thought and that basically they are asking me to replace doors just because they don't like them and that this is not “fair”. Right off of the bat, the contractor started becoming argumentative about this and kept repeating that “I said that I would replace 16 doors” implying that I have “no integrity”. This pissed me off because I had already had previous encounters with this contractor where he talked down and yell at me, and this time I attempted to “stand my ground” but actually just became reactive. The whole situation broke down to the point where I basically told them to shove their doors up their asses and when the were ready to pay me the balance of $750 first, then I would replace their stupid doors and I walked out on them and told them to call me when they were ready.

When I got in my car to leave, I became fearful about what just went down and called my boss and told him the situation. He was perplexed and a little pissed that I handled the situation that way, but he basically agreed that it was all over bullshit. His main concern was that the customer may now stop-payment on the check for the balance he just payed (in our prior meeting just a couple of days ago) as a form of retaliation and that this may put us in a “war-footing” with the customer and his contractor, of which he really did not want to go there. Within 20 minutes he got a call from the customers and I also received a call from the Interior Designer asking what the fuck is going on. The issue was left unresolved for the rest of the evening, and I from that point forward, I experienced one of my mind-possessions wherein I was possessed with fear and constant thinking, reviewing, of this situation for the rest of that night and the following day (which happened to be Saturday). Funny thing is, that by Monday, the whole situation diffused and things seem to be working-out (again without going into further details here).

I see how my mind directed me before, during, and after this situation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to spend time visualizing myself at this meeting beforehand forming a picture in my mind wherein I imagine myself directing my customer and his contractor to bend to my will and see things my way as a way to make myself feel better about myself and attempt to bring peace within myself by creating a fantasy picture within my mind of me standing up for myself and also resolving successfully the situation that I was in and things end the way that I believe they should – to my benefit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself allow a picture/visual image within my mind of me directing the customer and the contractor to bend to my will and see things my way for the entire day leading up to our meeting - to exist within and as me and to direct me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture/visualization of me directing my customer and my contractor to bend to my will to the thought that 'they are taking advantage of me and I cannot allow this to happen.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use this picture/visualization of me directing my customer and his contractor to bend to my will as a way to make myself feel better and in control when in fact this is just a fantasy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I might actually make myself feel better and be at peace through my participating in this picture/visualization in my mind of me directing my customer and his contractor to bend to my will and see things my way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require the experience of this picture/visualization within my mind of me directing my customer and contractor to bend to my will to experience peace within myself from the standpoint that I no longer feel that I am being taken advantage of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me in-fact directing myself through my holding a picture within my mind of me directing my customer and my contractor to bend to my will and see things my way.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the memory of this picture of me directing my customer and his contractor influenced me in the actual meeting that we had wherein I separated myself from the actual meeting because I was conducting myself within the expectation that I had set from my participation within this visualization.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect memories of our previous meetings (with the customer and the contractor) wherein the contractor was verbally abusive, manipulative and aggressive to the thought and judgment that 'the contractor is a manipulative asshole.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the memory of me being pushed around and verbally assaulted by the contractor in our previous meetings and to have this memory cause me to be reactive to him in our current meeting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'being able to be taken advantage of' within the memory of this contractor and customer verbally confronting me and manipulating me to have there way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought and judgment that 'the contractor is a manipulative asshole who is trying to take advantage of me.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – 'through my participation within the thought 'the contractor is a manipulative asshole who is trying to take advantage of me' to become angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -'through my participation within the thought 'that the contractor and customer can win in court based on bullshit claims against these cabinets doors' to become fearful.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to -'through my participation within the thought that 'we need money for cash-flow' to become fearful.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that to act within this fear only separates myself from directing myself within the experience as me from the standpoint of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear and resist conflict.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my participation within fear of conflict to compromise myself in putting myself in situations to be taken advantage of and then to blame others, in this case the contractor and the customer, for putting me in this situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the thought 'that the contractor and customer are being assholes who are trying to take advantage of me' to become easily offended when they suggest that I need to replace all 16 cabinet doors.

I forgive myself for being offended easily when someone says something to me.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I will only react towards others as me if I do the exact same application as they do towards others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take others comments towards me personally.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'feel inferior' because I experience me as being someone who can be 'taken advantage of'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to negatively charge the word 'customer' with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word 'customer' as 'negative/bad'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'customer' through judging the word 'customer' as 'negative/bad.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word 'customer' to someone who is trying to get something for nothing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word customer within and as someone who is ungrateful, trying to get something for nothing, and take advantage of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'customer' through defining the word 'customer' within and as someone who is ungrateful, trying to get something for nothing, and take advantage of me.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word 'customer' within memories of past customers who have 'taken advantage' of me and been ungrateful for what I have done for them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word 'customer' through defining the word 'customer' within memories of customers who have been ungrateful and have taken advantage of me in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear, anger, resentment, to become reactive towards this customer and his contractor at our last meeting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to allow to within becoming reactive compromise myself in acting out patterns and memories and in that participating in the mind/possession/energetic charge of emotional reaction.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within this, tell my customer and his contractor to basically shove their doors up their ass and call me when they ready to pay their balance and then to walk out on them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then become mind-possessed for the rest of that evening and the next day with worry and fear about what might happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that I am not able to stop my thoughts due to the experience of fear/frustration/anger/resentment/spitefulness that occurred in this last event and others like it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-responsibility within giving responsibility of what thoughts I'm thinking to the emotions/reactions/feelings I am experiencing, within this not realizing that I am in fact am responsible for the emotions/reactions/feelings I am experiencing and thus I am responsible for the thoughts coming up in relation to such emotions, memories, reactions, and feelings.

I realize that in actuality to direct myself within any given situation is to not participate within 'feeling the need to validate myself' through resorting to my established thought patterns. In this I direct myself in and as myself standing as self within self direction, meaning to not participate in any thought patterns, reactions, emotions, pictures/visualizations within my mind in an effort to change things or outcomes that are beyond my control and are in fact irrelevant, but to remain here directing what is 'relevant' which is me remaining here in and as the breath in every moment.