I have noticed that I fear the prospect
of having to face someone I do business with when faced
with having to ask of them something that may not be convenient for
these people, especially if has to do with money. This fear results
in avoidance wherein I do everything that I can to avoid making
contact with these individuals. This happened several times
throughout my day when I was faced with having to make phone calls to
my boss and other business people that I work with, or would like to
work with, on a regular basis. These certain individuals could
further be defined as anyone who has the power to give or pay me
money. If, for instance, I need to make contact and ask something of
someone who is not directly able to influence my income, this fear
does not exist within and as me.
When I examine myself further, I can
see that I have a certain self-imposed expectation of 'perfection'
wherein I feel as if these people expect perfection of me since they
are paying me or have influence over my income. I feel as if they
are thinking that since they are paying me, either directly or
indirectly, they 'should not have to deal with any shit whatsoever',
and so therefore I do everything in my power to avoid having to lay
any additional 'shit' on them. So, for instance, if I realize that I
need to contact a certain customer, especially a repeat customer, to
inform him/her that I need to redo this or that, or meet him/her
again for this or that that perhaps could have been taken care of
already, I dread making that call because of the potential
aggravation it may cause him/her. Even though whomever it may be may
not even give a shit, this drama as to me visualizing and imagining
these people being aggravated by me is going on in my head. So, I
avoid them at all costs.
I also go so far as to handle shit for
these people that I wouldn't normally do and wouldn't normally be
considered fair. In otherwords, if a certain individual that has
power over me financially, especially one that I service in business,
makes a request of me that is beyond what would be considered 'fair',
I find it very difficult to draw the line and say 'no.' because I do
not want to 'disappoint' this individual and 'jeopordize' my income.
So, I bow down and do their bidding, and then later become resentful
of them blaming them for taking 'advantage' of me. On this one point
however, I do draw the line with my boss , just not regular
customers.
When I have the most fear, in this, is
when I have to actually contact a certain person I do business with
and inform him that he needs to pay more money than originally
anticipated. Sometimes, I can make a mistake and not charge enough,
or include everything as it should be in the original order, and then
I have to ask for more money, and often times the fear that exists
within me due to the self-imposed expectation that I should never
have to ask for more money because this may upset the customer and
cause him/her to take his/her business elsewhere (= I lose $$), I
become fearful to the extent that usually I don't ask at all and
wind-up paying myself. This also causes a point of stress within me
because I then start worrying about if I will have enough money, and
also oftentimes become resentful to this individual 'blaming' him or
her for being 'stingy' because he/she should have paid more even
though I did not ask.
I see how I am existing and conducting
myself from a point of fear of those who have power over me with
money because of me believing my backchat / internal dialogue that
goes on in my head in secret. The backchat that goes on in my head,
which influences me and alters my 'personality' in the presence of
these individuals acts both as a defence mechanism to 'protect me'
from my fear of loss of money and also the foundation for the fear of
loss of money itself.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to think that avoiding making contact with people,
that have the power of money over me, to deal with issues that need
to be addressed will stress them out or make them angry and want to
take their business else where and in this I act differently with
these people than with others.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of
fear towards anyone who I have defined to have power to give or take
away money from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect any type of issue that may come up that
may inconvenience anyone I have defined as having the power to give
or take away money from me to the thought 'I don't want to call or
make contact with this person.'
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing any situation in which I may have to ask for money, or make
other demands of someone that I have defined as having the power to
give or take away money from me to exist as a trigger point within
me, which triggers the thought 'I just want to hide and avoid making
contact with this individual'.
I forgvie myself for accepting and
allowing any occurance in which I may have to 'ask for or charge more
money' to an individual that I have defined as having power to give
or take away money from me to exist as a trigger point within me,
which triggers the thought 'I do not want to ask for money because I
may cause this individual to dislike me and therefore take his/her
money elsewhere which = I lose money = I cannot survive.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the thought 'I do not want to ask for
money because I may cause this indidual to dislke me and therefore
take his/her money/business elsewhere to the emotional experience of
dispair.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to conncet the thought 'I do not want to ask for
money because I may cause this individual to dislike me and therefore
take his/her money/business elsewhere to the emotional experience of
fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the fear of being rejected by those who have the power to
'approve' or 'disapprove' of me with their money to exist within and
as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing the thought 'that these people who have power of money over
me do not want to be bothered with shit and that I should be perfect
in that I should not have to bother them with shit'
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to define stuff that I need to have done with people
that have power over money over me as 'shit'
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of fear and
avoidance to the thought that what I have to get done is shit and is
bothersome to these people who have power of money over me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to succome to doing the bidding of those who have
power of money over me because of the fear that I accept and allow to
exist within and as me connected my backchat telling me that I may
'loose' business otherwise if they are disappointed in any way.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear because I
realise that I am not able to control how another person feels about
me and in this I realise that when I am existing in fear I am not
here in the presence of breath in every monent and thereby existing
in seperation of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to participate in the thought that if I stand up for
myself and do what I need to do to conduct what I would define as
good business that I may upset someone and lose business when in fact
I realize that I cannot control someone else's reaction.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to fear not being accepted by those who I have
defined as having power of money over me.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to not realize that fear of money/losing money/losing
customers is also a fear of the future and the uncertainty thereof.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed
myself to realise that 'fear of the future' only exist within the
mind of the mind.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed
myself to realise that if I exist in fear of the future I am not here
in the presence of breath in every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself become reactive and defensive because of my fear of
the future/loss of money which exists in the mind of mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to not realize that I am existing in seperation by
fearing certain individuals that in this current system have the
'power' to give or take away money from me.
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