Day 427 - Irritation Reaction

Moment start: The other day at work, when I looked at the delivery board, I saw what appeared to me to be my co-worker taking liberties to change our delivery schedule to accommodate his customers schedule in-spite of mine that was already scheduled in that same time slot.  As soon as I perceived this, memories came forth of "how he has done this in the past" and with that an onslaught of thoughts forth like:

• "My customer may loose his schedule that I promised him because of this!"
• "How can he do this!" 
• "He has no regard!" 
• "He just does whatever he wants!" 
• "He has no right to make changes to the schedule without consulting me!"
• "I cannot let this continue without speaking up!"
• "He is breaking our code of conduct."
•  "I cannot allow his insolence and disdain to continue!"

then as a consequence to my participating in these thoughts, emotions came up of:

• irritation, 
• exasperation, 
• worry (worried that my customer may not get the schedule I promised him), 
• indignation, 
• resentment, 
• rancor, 
• and vexation.    

Becoming emotional, I then marched in to my supervisors office in an effrontery making a complaint against my co-worker.  My supervisor, later that morning, addressed the situation with both of us in front of the schedule, and to my chagrin, it was pointed out that it was actually me who had placed my customers schedule in the wrong part of the calendar and that my co-worker had done nothing wrong.  My supervisor also pointed out that he noticed my emotional state of which I thought I had concealed.  I was further embarrassed and ashamed, even fearful for the sake of my job to a limited extent, as a reaction to that.  Moment end.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with memories coming up and then react with thoughts about another person in reaction to the memories, all triggered by my seeing what I believed to be a change in schedule done by someone other than me, despite of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe these thoughts coming up in my mind to be me.  Thoughts such as "How can he do this! (as listed above)", as reactions to memories of this happening before, of which came up in reaction to seeing what appeared to be a schedule change on our scheduling board, and then go into them and be possessed by them, instead of breathing and remaining grounded here as the breath and as the physical, and stepping back as the observer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the past, backchat about this particular point and person in relation to this particular point; and then create, as a consequence, the emotional bodies of irritation, indignation, resentment, disdain, and rancor towards this person and point, all attached to memories of these events that happened in the past.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to be possessed by these emotions attached as emotional bodies to these memories, triggered by a symbolically similar or actually similar event.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that because I have not released myself from my participation in back-chat and emotions from the past, to similar events, with self forgiveness in the moment, or simply applying myself to stop and breathe in the moment, that these past experiences then became encoded and embedded within and as my flesh as "bombs" (memories attached to emotional bodies) waiting for "a trigger" / something similar symbolically or actually, to set them off / set me off.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn myself into an emotional bomb / emotional terrorist because of not taking self-responsibility in past moments to correct myself in self-honesty and stand in my self awareness, as all-as-one-as-equal, when and as I go into the mind, by stopping my mind and my participation therein with self forgiveness and applying myself as the breath, of Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment and rancor towards this person.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold grudges towards this person based on my own backchat in regards to previous events.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress these grudges from myself because I want to appear to myself that "I am a good person".  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fuck with myself with reptilian logic instead of taking self-responsibility to release myself from these opinions and judgments and backchats in the moment when and as they come up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation and exasperation to this person and situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react worry and vexation towards this situation.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of survival in regards to this situation.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that fear of survival is fueling and charging worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disapprobation and then self-righteousness towards this person and situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel dis-empowered towards this situation because someone appeared to take something from me that I may not be able to control. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go justify myself going into all of these emotions, as listed above, as a way to take my power and control back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with indignation towards this person and event due to my perceiving my treatment to be unfair.
Within all of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become haughty and insolent in my conduct, body language, and words and tone when taking to my superior in regards to this matter.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot control myself because of too much emotional energy and also because it was my "right" to act in this manner because of this "unfair and disrespectful" treatment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then finally react with chagrin when it was finally pointed out to me that it was me who incorrectly scheduled my customer after all.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be careless, negligent, and hasty in my duties and my reviews of things that I have done.
When and as I see myself reacting with memories and / or backchat towards an event or person where I perceive injustice, unfair treatment, disrespect, spite, and contempt towards me (or even another), and / or emotions come up of disdain, annoyance, irritation, anger, rancor, indignation, exasperation, and disapprobation, I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself that this is all in my mind and that even if it is real-in-fact - that the solution is not to react with back-chat and emotions, but to breathe and remain grounded here in and as the breath and as the physical.  Thus, I commit myself to stand in the midst of the storm and remain here grounded as the Rock of Life, breathing.
When and as I see myself becoming emotionally possessed, believing that I have "no choice" but to act out.  I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to be possessed emotionally.  I commit myself remind myself, in that moment, that I am not required nor is it necessary for me to react emotionally and that this is of the mind and not who I really am of Life.  I commit myself to take advantage of the self awareness that I have in the moment, to step in and stand as the breath of Life, instead of reacting when and as I have the chance to do so, in the infinite moment before I act / express.  I commit myself to remind myself in the moment that I have to do so that I, as the breath of Life, am always able to be the directive power of me, no matter how strong the emotions may seem.  I commit myself to remind myself that emotions only seem to have power in and as the illusion created by the mind.
When and as I see myself going into the experience and feeling of feeling dis-empowered and then wanting to take revenge, I stop and I breathe.  I remind myself in that moment that revenge is only the illusion of power and that real power rests in my ability to stand and express one and equal with my self honesty and self awareness - which is to stand as the breath of Life, and express as the "I am" in every moment of breath.
I commit myself to apply self honesty and self forgiveness in the moments throughout my day so that I do not create emotional bodies attached to memories to act as triggers and thus can support myself to remain here in and as the breath in every moment of breath de-bugging the viruses of the mind one by one, breath by breath, until I have re-created my mind as a physical mind that works with equality with what is actually here.