Day 164 – Breaking Down My Worry Pattern / Personality, Part III

The reason why I cannot say for sure whether or not my biological father ‘disappearing’ at the age of 5 had any adverse consequences to my psyche is for 2 reasons: 1: I never had any back-chat / internal dialog that I can say is a direct result of this, such as ‘I must be a bad person because my father left me’, etc., and 2: I had a new dad almost instantaneously take his place.  However, I can say that as far back as I remember, like 1^st and 2^nd grade, I was very shy and ‘afraid’ / ‘intimidated’ to communicate with my peers.  It also makes ‘sense’ that his ‘disappearance’ should have had some adverse affect on me, especially considering my own boys and how I know for a fact that if I would just disappear one day, that they would feel rejected and abandoned.  I know this because of their emotional dependence on me that I can observe and see.  However, what I don’t know is how fast they can re-cover and adjust, especially if a new ‘father’ would take my place quickly, and especially the younger they are when this happens.  So, what I don’t want to do is make something out of nothing because there is a possibility that I just went on with my new life with my new dad with no real problem with the whole situation.  However, one affect this had that I can see is that when I became an older kid, I started to hold anger towards my mom and my adopted dad because I started to see and hold a backchat / internal conversation about ‘how fucked-up it is that my real dad just disappeared for no-good reason and my parents had no good explanation’.

So, the rest of my childhood, while growing up, was spent with my mother and my new father, and that was a cool child-hood.  I loved and considered my new father as if he were my real father.  He was a good father who has very good to me and my brother, however, he was a work-aholic and therefore we hardly ever saw him.  My mom was a good mother too, but very over-protective.  I was always the one, of my friends, that would not be able to ride my bike as far as everyone else could and other things like that.  I had a paper-route when I was about 10 years old, and my mother wrapped my bike almost completely in reflective tape so that cars would see me in the early morning hours.  I hated this, as this was going way to far.  I remember telling my mother that I was going to ‘blind’ the drivers with the brightness of my bike.  And this is just how it was with everything; she was very over-protective.  So, was her over-protectiveness a confidence killer for me?  Did she train me to be scared of everyone and everything?  You see, I just don’t know.  I don’t have an internal dialog regarding this.  I just did what I had to do based on my circumstances and did not think much about it back then. 

Tomorrow I will go into my later childhood / teenage years, and seeing if in those years I started seeing this pattern of worry in my mother.  Those years are where the internal dialog / backchat started to kick-in. 

Day 163 – Breaking Down My Worry Pattern / Personality, Part II

           Picking up from day 162, I would like to add that not only do I have no clear memories of my biological father, but also I don’t remember the ‘leaving him’ part.  I talk to him now, however, and he told me recently of the day that we were taken away from him and how my bother cried while reaching out to him over our mother’s shoulder as he was being carried to and then put into my mom’s car after giving him our final hugs, and that I wasn’t really showing any positive or negative emotions.  When my biological father told me this, I became really sad for my brother as if I had another dimension of ‘who he was’ given to me.  And I use the words ‘being taken away’ from him because that is what was happening from my perspective, as a child as in I was not willing this to happen, it was happening to me. 

What I find interesting is that I had absolutely no memory of this event.  Why would this be deleted out?  And why are the memories that I have of my biological father and my life with him before this event merged with my new family and very vague where the characters in the memories did not have faces or hardly recognizable.  For instance, I mentioned the memory of going flying with my natural family only to realize later that it was my biological family.  There are other memories, such as of holiday events, that I later came to find out were my biological family.  I don’t have an answer as to why this is, but it is interesting to me.

Much later in my life, at the age of 28, I met my biological father.  He read in the paper about my natural father’s death several years ago (when I was 21), and figured it would be ok to call, and it was.  When he called, I just figured it was time I got to know him and got some questions answered.   I decided not to be angry or bitter, I just accepted his invitation to come into his life and went with it.  After spending quite a bit of time with him, I came to find out that the very vague answer my mother and adopted father would give me as to why my biological father was ‘ex-communicated’ from my life, was indeed pretty damn exact – ‘he would not get a job.’  LOL, my biological father still had NO job by the time I met him when I was 28 years old!  He was still living at home with his parents.  However, both of his parents, my natural grandparents, had died so the house was his. 

So, at the age of 28, I moved in with him for about 6 months and got to know him quite well.  It’s almost like I was an investigator, going under-cover – getting all the facts.  And to summarize the facts: my bio-father would not get a job, and thus insisted upon living with his parents and off their money while raising his family.  My mother couldn’t live like that and eventually re-married an attorney that she was working for.  This attorney eventually became my adopted father.  My biological father informed me that he did not want to give us up for adoption but was basically manipulated and forced to do so by my mother who was enabled by my adopted father who was a powerful divorce attorney.  I believe that my natural father believes this to be the case, but I don’t agree with this.  After years of considering this point, I believe that my natural father was indeed forced, in a way, to give us up – but not by my adopted father, but by the economic and social system that we exist in today that compels one to get a job and buy a house to raise a family.  I believe that my biological father probably caved to the pressure of the system, rather than my mother and adopted father, of which he did not want to participate in, and figured that giving us up for adoption would alleviate that financial pressure of child support, etc that he did not want to face having to pay as that would entail having to get a job.  So, giving us up for adoption was an easy way out for him of the financial pressure that he had brought upon himself of starting a family with no intention of working to support them. 

Now, one other interesting point is that my biological father did not avoid working a job from a starting point of lazy-ness, but rather a starting point of rebellion.  He was basically protesting this system by not participating in it at all costs.  He considered anyone who worked, a slave, and he would not succumb to slavery, for any reason – not even to support his own kids.  To this day, my bio-father holds this value system.  He will not budge.  But that is ok with me, I am an adult now and I forgive him.  He can be who he is; as we are all just being who we are within this system.  I can relate too, anyway.  I know where my father is coming from.  This system is a system of slavery.  He is correct.  However, his solution is incorrect because his solution does not change the system nor does it change his condition as a slave.  He is still a slave.  He is a slave with no job.  The solution to changing this system from a system of slavery to a system of real freedom is to change you first, and then while in the process of changing self, work within this system to eventually change the system. 

I will pick up tomorrow.

Day 162 – Breaking Down My Worry Pattern / Personality, Part 1

          Investigating worry and why I worry further, I am going to look a little at my childhood.  So, I am going to break down this worry personality that I have over the next few blogs; and, in this blog, I am going to start with looking at: 

1.     What happened as a child/young person - that either humiliated or angered me so much that since then you feared communication or the consequence of communication with others, especially revealing things that could have been taken the wrong way, or being blamed for something that happened because of what I said

When I was 5 years old, my natural father, as in blood relationship father, was removed from the lives of me, and my 4-year-old brother.  From my perspective, he was essentially replaced with a new father that came on the scene almost instantaneously and adopted us.  There was never any real clear explanation for this given by any of my parents.   I never saw my biological father after that, until the age of 28.

I remember in kindergarten my name changing and having to learn how to spell my new last name.  I remember my new father being super big compared to my old father.  I remember taking a while to warm up to my new father.  I remember moving to a new and big house that I would grow to love and have found memories of.  I don’t remember the process of meeting my new family – my new brothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles - but I do remember that it was not long after meeting my new dad, that I became comfortable with my new family and new life. 

There are memories that I am not sure of who they are of, my original father and his family or my new father and his family.  For instance, there is a memory of going flying in a personal airplane with my aunts, uncles, and cousins that I only recently became aware that this was my original father’s family.   I also never could remember what my original father looked like but still had memories of him.  However, I would remember or dream about him as this mysterious figure without a face.  I don’t remember the last day of seeing him or the end of our relationship.  In fact, I don’t have many memories at all of the time that I was with my original father including the last days that I was with him.

So, my original father and who he was and why he disappeared from my life was like a mystery while growing up, but it wasn’t a huge issue because I had a new dad who was actually a really good dad to take his place.  When I asked of my old dad, my parents would give me vague explanations, but none of them really made complete since to me. 

When I was younger, I just looked at this as normal and there was no anger or other emotions like sadness in relation to this.  But, as I aged and realized that there is a problem with not having a good explanation as to why one’s father just disappears and gets replaced with a new father, then I started to hold anger towards my mother and my adopted father, but mainly towards my mother.   This anger lasted from about my teen-age years to my early 30s.

I don’t know if this ‘loosing’ of my original father really is the root of anything here.  However, I am looking at something in my childhood that may have been humiliating that could have caused or be part of the cause of the root of a worry pattern that I have had throughout my life, so perhaps loosing my father could fit be this.  So, was I in a since, humiliated by my natural father ‘disappearing’ and then having no equal and one explanation from my mother and new father?  You see, at 5 years old, one does not really look at things this way – where a 5 year old says to himself ‘yes this is humiliating or I fee humiliated’, yet I could have been humiliated from the perspective that my original father just rejected me, as far as I was concerned from the perspective of a 5 year-old child, and then just kind of suppressed this emotion.  I do know that I lacked confidence and had a lot of trouble standing up for myself and believing in myself while growing up.  I considered myself to be ‘stupid’, ‘boring’ and in general ‘less than all the other kids’ and this caused me to be very withdrawn, and considered to be shy, in social situations.  Interestingly enough, I was still able to make a few friends and when I did I was outgoing while with them.

When I became a teenager I started to realize how fucked-up it is to not know who one’s real father is and have no good explanation of his disappearance other than ‘he wouldn’t get a job’, which was really the only form of an explanation that I really got and ironically was actually a big part the case, as I would much later find out.  So, I started to become angry with my mom and adopted father, but mainly at my mom.  This anger started shortly after my mom divorced my adopted father and moved us, my younger brother and me, to New Orleans, which was like 2000 miles away from where we grew up with my adopted father.   I was angry with her for somehow assisting in the ‘disappearance’ of my biological father and also the divorcing my adopted father’.  I was starting to feel as if my mother was always on the run and anger and resentment started towards her.

I will pick up on this tomorrow.

Day 161 – The Worry Personality as Defense / Protection

I have been prone to worry ever since I can remember.  I like to blame my mother for this as I remember her always in a state of nervous worry where she would be like in a state of mind of like ‘oh shit we’re fucked’.  But I don’t have any direct memories of this as I remember this more as an energy that she projected to me as a child; so, sometimes I wonder if I just made this up. 

All I know is that worry has consumed me throughout my life to the extent that I am not able to just be here and have a conversation because I would be consumed with worry.  Sometimes I find that I have missed what others are saying because I am lost in my mind in worry.  I am far better now than when I was younger, however this pattern still is part of my experience of myself.  When I am worried, I am tuned out of what’s here, like I miss out on what people are saying as I am in my mind completely mind-possessed as I am incessantly going through every conceivable angle of a projected event over and over again as if trying to convince myself that everything will be ‘ok’. 

So, basically my experience of and as worry is that I go into my mind where I am projecting all kinds of future outcomes where I go into imaginations of what I might say or do, or what someone might say or do, and what the perfect thing to say or do is to make everything ‘better’.  I also worry about things that might go wrong and all the conceivable angles of how something might go wrong, even if they haven’t yet.  The more that I have going on, the more I worry, like when work picks up I tend to worry more, even if there is nothing directly going on to worry about.  There is also an underlying fear that goes with the worry, a fear of what might happen – like I may not be able to stand through it.  So, I guess I could say that I also lack self-trust. 

So, to sum up, my experience of worry is driven by fear of future where I fear I cannot stand through a potential projected outcome of which may or may not even happen.  I have had this chronic worry condition going back to at least me teenage years, and it’s gotten far better over time.  When I go into worry, I completely tune-out of my surroundings as I become completely captured by the images and pictures and imaginings within my own mind where I find that I miss-out on conversations / what people say to me I am in the alternate reality of my projections of the future within and as my mind.  I also fear to not worry.  I fear to stop worrying, like holding onto a rope over a cliff hanging for dear-life.  I fear the projected consequences if I do not worry.  So, the worry I experience is like a mixture of fear and chronic imagining / projecting pictured potential events – it’s a total mind-fuck.  Oh, yes, and there is back-chat that comes with it where I am judging the players in my mind or rehearsing what I might say to them that plays in like loops, over and over again while in the state of worry.  So, perhaps this is a personality system – a subconscious mind pattern / personality.

I have written on this before, and it has helped to an extend as when I see myself go into worry, I remind myself that this is bullshit, and then I stop and I breathe –But, this system still gets the best of me.  So, I am sorting this out even further here.

Day 160 – The Negative Experience Drives us All, Part III

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be driven to create a positive experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in positive experiences and feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that we are here to have positive experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions based on how I feel about things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be manipulated by others or television commercials into making decisions based upon how someone has made me feel because of their voice intonations, words, pace of speech, pictures they portrayed within their words, and who they are within the system, instead of making decision based on common sense and consequential outflows. 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by chasing after positive experiences I thus create a negative experience of myself as consequence that is always the constant where the positive is only short lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the negative with the positive, instead of just simply breathing and facing the negative so that I can end the negative experience of myself once and for all within aligning myself within and as the physical and equal and one living where I am always here – where my experience of myself is constant and stable and not driven by energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by energy.

When and as I see myself rating my energy experience of myself where I am judging myself to be bored, or uneasy, or unsatisfied – where I believe that I need something more and then go into the desire to do something that will make me feel better / feel excited / feel more positive, I stop and I breathe, because I see, realize, and understand that this is just an energy game of the mind that I play with myself to manage and control the experience of myself where the experience of myself is the only thing that matters in spite of everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be concerned with how I feel and then be possessed with finding ways to make me feel better in-spite of the consequences that others may suffer / in-spite of everyone.

And thus, I commit myself to stop and breathe, when and as I see myself go into this, and bring myself back into my body through breathing and remaining here.  And then I commit myself to facing the negative so that I can stop my participation within the negative, and then facing my desires so that I can stop my desires and live here within each and every breath in need of nothing because my experience of myself is stable and constant.

Day 159 – The Negative Experience Drives us All, Part II

Picking up from yesterday, religion also functions the same way – where one is either driven from the negative of fear of hell or divine judgment and / or hope of the promise of heaven and material success in this current life.  At church, one will observe the that preacher is either scaring everyone out of there wits with bullshit about hell, or giving everyone hope by painting pretty pictures of paradise.  So, religion functions just like TV commercials – it’s all based on moving individuals through fear or through the hope of the attainment of pretty pictures of money, heaven, health, wealth, success and all that stuff that everyone wants for themselves. 

So, but what is the underlying experience of self that drives us to desire the positive experiences of achieving wealth, power, control, and heaven like experiences?  It is the negative experience which often times is as simple as just being bored, but can come in a multitude of forms such as inferiority, fear, feelings of powerlessness, inadequacy etc.  For instance one might want power and control because one feels as if one does not have any power and control so one try’s to feel better through attempting to exert control and have power over others as a consequence of this starting point.  One might support war because one fears being killed by foreigners, or one could just want to steal from them.  If one wants to steal from another, then that would be a starting point of helplessness either perceived or real, or it would be starting point of feeling less than others such as feeling powerless, or it would be simple boredom.  You see, we are all moved from the negative to the positive in everything that we do.  Just check this point out for yourself and ask why it is that I am motivated to do this or that – and you can see this too.

The point is, is that everything in this world that moves us / humanity does so by moving us from a negative to a positive through generating fear or the hope of achieving a pretty picture of some sort, where the negative is the constant underlying emotional state that humanity is in, and the positive is achieved, then lasts for a duration of time, then collapses back into the constant which is the ongoing negative experience of self / base program if you will. 

So, then therefore humanity is completely manipulated and literally everything that we do individually and collectively is motivated / initiated from the energy of feelings and emotions / fear and desire – which is ultimately self interest – the self-interest of moving to a positive / blissful experience of self.  That’s it – we are moved by the self-interest of moving from the negative to the positive.  It’s all about feeling good.  So, all and everything that humanity does is moved by self-interest and therefore how can you trust anything at all?  How can you trust that humanity is on the right path?  How can you trust your government, your doctors, your schools, your farmers, your neighbors, yourself?  How can you even trust yourself?  The fact is, that since every single human living on earth is moved by the self-interest of moving from a constant negative experience to a positive experience of self – then we are totally fucked as no-one can trust anyone, in-fact, and thus everything is a lie – because every single person is primarily concerned and driven by finding ways to improve their inner experience in-spite of everyone else.  Sure, we ‘care’ about others too, but only second to our own self-interest, only when we still are able to achieve a positive experience of self too or first. 

You see, this will end in disaster because within this point we are not considering the consequences of our actions.  Sure we consider consequences to a certain extent, but not in there totality, of which the consequences can be easily observed in this world by taking note of the billions starving, the millions suffering from wars, the earth being slowly destroyed, the financial system collapsing – we are suffering at a staggering level – wake up.  Our starting point of self-interest is blowing up in our face. 

Day 158 – The Negative Experience Drives us All, Part I

I have been looking again at the point that we, humans, are always directed by the experience of ourselves, of which can be reduced to either a negative, or a positive experience.  In fact, mostly we exist in a ‘negative’ experience first only to be countered by ‘positive’ experiences.  We typically define the ‘negative’ experience as boredom, which is like saying ‘I am having a negative experience of self, THUS I need to find something to do that creates a ‘positive’ experience of self’.  So, the statement ‘I am bored’ is like a justification to find a way to change ones current experience of self to one that is more ‘positive’. 

We all experience boredom, from the highest to the lowest of us, from the oldest to the youngest.  My 10 year-old son is constantly saying he is bored as soon as he has ‘nothing to do’, nothing to distract him, rather.   I think to myself ‘how can he be bored so easily?’  Then I realize that he too has a mind-consciousness system that needs to generate energy to support its existence, thus when he makes a statement like ‘I am bored’, this would mean that he has fallen into a negative energetic state that would feel much better, for him, if he were to find a way to move himself into a positive energetic state, just like me and everyone else.

The elite of this world get bored with all their wealth and power and actually entertain themselves with the seizing of more wealth and power.  Could the drive to have wealth and power come from a starting point as simple as boredom?  Well, at a minimum, boredom, or the negative experience of self, certainly plays a role in this, for there is a very ‘positive’ experience that is produced when doing something, or acquiring something, or finding something, or discovering something, or achieving something – new, and it is even more ‘positive’ when this something new is ‘better’ than before.  Just look at your own life, for instance when you buy a new car.  Isn’t it exciting?  Weren’t you bored with the experience of the old car?  This same construct is true all the way up to the top.  It becomes boring just have billions, so one then needs to acquire trillions.  It becomes boring just being President, so one needs to be something more, if possible.  But just like buying a new car, after a certain amount of time, the experience of that car becomes boring or at least ‘normal’ or neutral again which puts one in the situation where one needs more stimulation / positive experiences and then the cycle continues as one chases after the positive experience once again – but this time, it has to be better than the last time to have the same effect.  One could say, therefore, that this world is in a heap of shit because we, as in all of us, are driven to the positive experience of ourselves from the ongoing negative experience of ourselves which can be quantified / reduced into one word that captures this concept – boredom.

I look at commercials on TV and the internet and what I find is that the commercials are entirely designed to either create a positive feeling that generates a feel-good experience that one associates with the product being advertised OR a negative experience of fear, for instance, that makes one desire the product to put a stop to this negative experience associated with not having the product.  It’s almost sickening to see this, as this really tells a story of just how easily manipulated humanity is where all one needs to do is play some music and speak some words that are either positive or negative based on the motivation to manipulate and control others to do things or buy things that would otherwise not be considered.  

Religion is the same way.  And I will pick up on this in my next post.