Day 163 – Breaking Down My Worry Pattern / Personality, Part II

           Picking up from day 162, I would like to add that not only do I have no clear memories of my biological father, but also I don’t remember the ‘leaving him’ part.  I talk to him now, however, and he told me recently of the day that we were taken away from him and how my bother cried while reaching out to him over our mother’s shoulder as he was being carried to and then put into my mom’s car after giving him our final hugs, and that I wasn’t really showing any positive or negative emotions.  When my biological father told me this, I became really sad for my brother as if I had another dimension of ‘who he was’ given to me.  And I use the words ‘being taken away’ from him because that is what was happening from my perspective, as a child as in I was not willing this to happen, it was happening to me. 

What I find interesting is that I had absolutely no memory of this event.  Why would this be deleted out?  And why are the memories that I have of my biological father and my life with him before this event merged with my new family and very vague where the characters in the memories did not have faces or hardly recognizable.  For instance, I mentioned the memory of going flying with my natural family only to realize later that it was my biological family.  There are other memories, such as of holiday events, that I later came to find out were my biological family.  I don’t have an answer as to why this is, but it is interesting to me.

Much later in my life, at the age of 28, I met my biological father.  He read in the paper about my natural father’s death several years ago (when I was 21), and figured it would be ok to call, and it was.  When he called, I just figured it was time I got to know him and got some questions answered.   I decided not to be angry or bitter, I just accepted his invitation to come into his life and went with it.  After spending quite a bit of time with him, I came to find out that the very vague answer my mother and adopted father would give me as to why my biological father was ‘ex-communicated’ from my life, was indeed pretty damn exact – ‘he would not get a job.’  LOL, my biological father still had NO job by the time I met him when I was 28 years old!  He was still living at home with his parents.  However, both of his parents, my natural grandparents, had died so the house was his. 

So, at the age of 28, I moved in with him for about 6 months and got to know him quite well.  It’s almost like I was an investigator, going under-cover – getting all the facts.  And to summarize the facts: my bio-father would not get a job, and thus insisted upon living with his parents and off their money while raising his family.  My mother couldn’t live like that and eventually re-married an attorney that she was working for.  This attorney eventually became my adopted father.  My biological father informed me that he did not want to give us up for adoption but was basically manipulated and forced to do so by my mother who was enabled by my adopted father who was a powerful divorce attorney.  I believe that my natural father believes this to be the case, but I don’t agree with this.  After years of considering this point, I believe that my natural father was indeed forced, in a way, to give us up – but not by my adopted father, but by the economic and social system that we exist in today that compels one to get a job and buy a house to raise a family.  I believe that my biological father probably caved to the pressure of the system, rather than my mother and adopted father, of which he did not want to participate in, and figured that giving us up for adoption would alleviate that financial pressure of child support, etc that he did not want to face having to pay as that would entail having to get a job.  So, giving us up for adoption was an easy way out for him of the financial pressure that he had brought upon himself of starting a family with no intention of working to support them. 

Now, one other interesting point is that my biological father did not avoid working a job from a starting point of lazy-ness, but rather a starting point of rebellion.  He was basically protesting this system by not participating in it at all costs.  He considered anyone who worked, a slave, and he would not succumb to slavery, for any reason – not even to support his own kids.  To this day, my bio-father holds this value system.  He will not budge.  But that is ok with me, I am an adult now and I forgive him.  He can be who he is; as we are all just being who we are within this system.  I can relate too, anyway.  I know where my father is coming from.  This system is a system of slavery.  He is correct.  However, his solution is incorrect because his solution does not change the system nor does it change his condition as a slave.  He is still a slave.  He is a slave with no job.  The solution to changing this system from a system of slavery to a system of real freedom is to change you first, and then while in the process of changing self, work within this system to eventually change the system. 

I will pick up tomorrow.