Day 172 – BDMWP, Part XI – Who ‘I Am’ Within Communication III

So, picking up from the last writing, I can see that I have always judged myself as inferior, stupid, boring, dull, and in a sense ‘unworthy’ of expressing myself and within this self-judgment I feared that others would judge me the same and within this fear I thus suppressed myself so as to ‘hide’ from everyone within suppressing myself / my self-expression so that they would not judge me / scorn me as I have judged / scorned myself.  Then I developed a belief system of ‘this is who I am- I am this shy person’ which was based on this experience of self-suppression of which further compounded this suppression behavior as I believed that this is just who I am and thus capitulated to the energy of the self-suppression that I was experiencing within and as myself.  Thus, I lived this shy person ‘persona’ for years until I gradually became able to work through this to a certain extent.  BUT!  My solution was to transfer to the other side to more of a superiority complex where now I see myself as superior to others in many ways, especially in the area of intelligence and creativity.   However, this inferiority complex still surfaces around certain characters, especially men and women that I have judged as good-looking and successful and / or tall men AND in business with my more successful business customers and potential customers (like successful builders, etc).  I experience this within the point that I suppress my expression around these characters as a reaction to the fear that they may judge me adversely.  Thus I am still trapped within and as the polarity of inferiority and superiority complex, as explained above, as I have always been, just now I seem to be typically acting within and as the superiority character.

 

OK, I have had an eventful last few days of which I am recovering from and have made it difficult to write everyday.  I will pick up tomorrow on this with self-forgiveness.