I have
abbreviated the name of this topic as this is still in the overall topic of
‘breaking down my worry pattern’ (BDMWP), and then there will be additional
topics within this topic, such as this one:
SF on the Blaming my Parents.
So, today I will look at how I blamed my parents for what was discussed
in the first 4 posts on this topic.
Then I will expand on additional points within the point of breaking
down my worry pattern in future posts under this topic heading.
So, to summarize
the last posts and expand on this a bit: I had a lot of trouble making friends,
feeling confident, feeling like I had something to offer other’s, feeling
accepted by others, feeling equal to others, and speaking and communicating to
others, that can all be summarized into a bit of a social phobia, from as young
as I can remember but really ‘kicking-in’ in my teenage years then getting
better in my late 20s and tapering off quite a bit by the time I was in my
early 30s. I was also very prone to
worry extensively from a very young age, especially worry in relation to social
situations, of which I still worry quite a bit, but this pattern to has gotten
less prominent after my early 30s and now is more in relation to work and
money.
I don’t know for
sure if my father’s disappearance had anything to do with my social phobias, as
I don’t clearly remember my reaction to this.
I just remember having a new dad and it taking very little time to
adjust to my new dad and almost completely forgetting about me old dad. My new dad was very good to me, except that
he was not home that much because he was always working of which probably had
the affect on me of feeling a bit neglected and maybe even contributed to
feelings of rejection that may have contributed to a lack of self-confidence,
especially considering that I already had my first dad mysteriously ‘abandon’
me.
I remember, while
growing up, my mother as being ‘frantic’ to a certain extent almost all the
time – like the world was going to end in a way, but I don’t have specific
memories of this. However, what I
remember is more of the tone of her voice and pace of speech that was always a
little ‘frantic’ and ‘un-nerving’, like she always was in a bit of a panic as
if danger was always just around the corner.
And she was over-bearing wherein she would enforce her advice on me even
to this day; and she was overprotective, as far as I am concerned. So, perhaps she trained me to be in a
constant fear of ‘danger’ and to not trust myself as the solution to any of my
problems or fears, of which may contribute to my developing a pattern of worry.
One point that
just occurred to me, however, is that I started blaming my mother for my social
‘problems’ (outlined above) starting around my late teens. Until my late teens, I wasn’t quite so
reflective; however, around my late teens, I started to question things, like
‘where the fuck is my biological father?”
“Why the fuck did my mother move 2000 miles away from my adopted
father?” “Why the fuck don’t I know
where or who my biological father is?”
“What the fuck did my biological father do to deserve banishment?” “Why the fuck would he let me go so easily?”
“And why the fuck am I not able to make friends and get along with everyone
else?” And of course, I started blaming
my mother for fucking my life up.
Within this blame, I started to always be angry at her.
This is why I am using the word ‘fuck’ so much because it
really expresses how I was asking these questions – I was angry within the
point of asking these questions. I was
not just curious, I was angry and blaming within these questions.
So, I started to
develop this ‘story’ of who I am as like an excuse and justification as to why
I am not ‘getting what I want’ out of life.
And what did I want? I wanted
sex, money, success, friends, acceptance – you know, what everyone wants, and
these things were not coming easy to me because I was like scared shitless of
everyone, and really of myself. And I
was scared shitless because??? Well as
my story goes, it was because my biological father disappeared, as with my
adopted father, for all intents and purposes as he lived 2,000 miles away, and
it’s all my mother’s fault because she’s obviously the one who put my through
all this! And now I am just ‘doing the
best that I can with all the psychological damage’ SHE caused. And that was my story for a long time, even
until now to a certain extent. That was
my excuse and justification that I would tell myself to make myself feel better
about my inferiority complex that was like killing my social life and keeping
everything that I wanted from my grasp and reach.
The thing about it
is, is that this is all probably true.
I probably did get all fucked-up from both my father’s being ‘taken’
from my life, and my mother probably could have done a better job at keeping
this from happening, and she probably could have been a better parent within
the points of being less over-bearing and less-overprotective. But, holding blame and anger towards my
mother is not a solution, and I cannot even say for sure that I would not have
had these social problems / phobias had my situation been any different.
What I failed to
consider within all this blame and anger is that I have the ability to correct
myself and live the correction that is required, as who I am. I don’t have to be ‘permanently damaged’ as
that is only possible if I give my power away to my parents and my past
memories. I can take my power back, and
sort out my ‘imperfect’ child-hood, so that I can live my fullest potential as
a being that is equal and one with all as who I am. I don’t have to live out the patterns that I developed as a
child. No one has to live out the
patterns that we inherent from our genes and from our past and childhood. We all can change these patterns. Our past does not define us. Who we are in every breath defines us. Who we decide to be right here defines us,
and blame and anger do not affect any change whatsoever.
So, within this
blame and anger, I actually locked myself into these patterns as living these
patterns is required so that I can live my ‘story’ about how I was damaged by
all of this and that it is not ‘my fault’, where I play the victim to hopefully
get what I want from the victim status, rather than stand-up and facing myself
within these points and really live- of which I was just to scared to do.
Self forgiveness and corrective application to follow.
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