Day 171 – BDMWP, Part X – Who ‘I Am’ Within Communication II

“This fear of being stupid and seen as stupid was the back-drop for me becoming very ‘shy’ and withdrawn.’  This lasted all the way through my 20s.”

This is an interesting comment I made last time.  I think that I actually become more shy and withdrawn as I aged, for a while.  I hit my peak of shyness in college where I was like scared shitless of everyone, and this shyness was more of a consequence of my perpetual backchat regarding how stupid and boring I am.  I would compare myself to others within their communication and come up short and then be afraid to speak.  Through comparison, I would see others and more funny, fun, smart, clever, and interesting to talk to.  I especially had trouble talking to women.  I was in a perpetual fear of saying the wrong thing.   I would spend hours with people, like at events and such, and literally say nothing the entire time out of fear of saying the wrong thing.

This pattern peaked in my early 20s.  If I look back, I can see that I was in this pattern from at least first grade.  In fact, first grade and even kindergarten, I have memories of being like this.  Yet, I was able to make friends and have a fairly typical social life as a child.  By the time I hit high school, this pattern became more prevalent and then by the time I hit college this pattern was even more intense. 

As a consequence of this pattern, I had only a few guy friends throughout high school and college and very few girl friends of which my relationships with women were very short.  I also had trouble making money also.  So, within that, I started making up a story for this – like, ‘I am some sort of super genius because super-geniuses are known not to be able to communicate’ and all that.  So, I would look for ways to prove my intelligence as a genius musician and also in the game of chess.  Both music and chess I have natural aptitude in, yet, I am far from ‘genius’ in either.  Or maybe I am being too hard on myself, I would say that I definitely am not the best out there in either, as perhaps that is a better way to put it.

By the time I hit 28 years old, I had started to get a little better.  By that time I met my partner and my relationship with her actually helped pull me out of this as well.  Now I am 41 and still experience this pattern to a certain extent but have also developed within and as myself effective communication skills and also have developed an understanding of humanity that supplants this pattern – where I understand people for what they are and thus am able to transcend this pattern just within this understanding.  You see, I saw everyone as basically superior to me up until the age of about 28, and now to a certain extent I see them as inferior – but really I see them for what they are – they are just like me – ‘dumped into this world with a certain pre-programmed nature and acting within that nature within complete ignorance that the nature of who one is within and as one’s personality is completely pre-programmed within and as the mind and thus given to the individual and has nothing to do with who that individual actually is.   In other-words, no one is actually acting of themselves, rather we are all just acting within our program which is given to us by our parents, and by the system / the mind.   Thus within that realization, we are all equals no matter if one is technically superior / inferior in some way – because no one can really take credit for who they are within and as one’s pre-programmed nature AND within the point that once one understands where someone is coming from / understand another’s program – one can actually work with that program / work with the individual as a program instead of as a being –where one can ‘push certain buttons’ or use specific words to cause desired reactions in the other being.  This is a bit insidious, but I find myself doing this now, even for ‘good’ reasons and this definitely equalizes the playing field.

However, what I do fear now, within and as my communication to others, is being taken the wrong way, especially in business.   I fear being taken the wrong way and then sued in the business world.  I fear saying the wrong thing and then losing money or not making money.  When a point comes up that I could have said or done something ‘wrong’ or been taken the ‘wrong’ way, I become possessed with worry about how everything will pan-out.

I also experience this former pattern of mine with certain types of people:  1: Really good-looking men.  2: Really tall men.  3:  Really successful men.  4:  Really attractive women.  Even within business transactions where everything is just business and my motives are just to do business, if I run into these characters, the old patterns re-emerge to a certain extent.