So, the last several posts covered both the topics of ‘what may have
humiliated me as a child’ and ‘seeing the worry pattern within my mother’, and
I can conclude that I am not really sure what may have happened as a child that
is humiliating; however, more than likely I suffered some serious self-esteem
issues from my biological father’s disappearance. And I can also conclude that my mother’s worry pattern was more
of an energy or a feeling that she transmitted to me rather than actual events
that I can recall. Perhaps, as this is
just occurring now to me, her over-bearingness and over protection is in fact
that point of worry that she was transmuting to me. Wow, because to be over-protective and over-bearing stems from a
lack of trust either in self or others that something ‘bad’ may happen beyond
what one can control of which is a form of worry – hence the over-bearingness
and over-protection-ness that my mother exerted as a means of CONTROL, to avoid
that what she is worried about happening.
Wow! Ok, so, I do believe that I
see that pattern now more clearly in my mother. Perhaps I will write more on that in future posts. For now, I am going to change gears and
focus on the following point:
3.
Looking at my beliefs around 'who I am' within
communication, looking at my self-doubt.
And opening up the point of where I may have lost or never developed or
gave away self-movement and self-trust to another/an institution or an idea.
Beliefs that I have held around who I am within communication: ‘I am stupid’. ‘I am boring’. ‘I have
nothing funny to say’. ‘I have nothing
interesting to say’. ‘If people don’t
laugh at my jokes, then they must be bored’.
Fears that I have around communication: “fear of being taken the wrong
way or miss-understood.’ Fear of not
understanding or remembering clearly what others say to me.
The beliefs that I listed are more of my past, while the fears that I
have listed are more of the present experience of myself. I do not have these beliefs so much anymore;
yet I never did self-forgiveness on them, obviously, so these beliefs are
probably still existent within and as me, just suppressed. Or even more interesting, these beliefs are
probably existing in a form of polar opposite where now I see myself as:
super-genius smart (to a certain extent), very funny and fun to be around (at
times), very interesting, etc. So, I
have a gone from inferiority to superiority in my experience of myself, to a
certain extent. I still have the root
of the inferiority at times, however, as I find myself with the exact feelings
and self-beliefs, as I did in my younger years in certain situations.
So, let’s look at ‘I am stupid.’
I use the word ‘stupid’ on purpose, because it is a ‘harsh’ word. If I were to say that I believed myself to
be ‘less intelligent than others’, this would not be adequate. I did not believe that I was ‘less
intelligent’; I believed that I was ‘stupid’!
So, just from the word that I used for myself, ‘stupid’, I can see that
I was very hard on myself and very down on myself. Within this point of being ‘stupid’, I was basically in the
mind-set that I was inferior to others in: my cognitive ability, in my ability
to see things for what they are, in my ability to come up with cool things to
say, in my ability to learn, to understand – anything and everything! I was inferior.
I remember in high school this girl made fun of me because of the way
that I pronounced a word, and looking back at this years later, I realized that
I had actually pronounced the word correctly.
I was pronouncing the word correctly based on the region of the country
I was from, as I was from a different area than she was. YET, I was so quick to see myself as
inferior and stupid that I instantly went into the experience of feeling bad
about myself for being so ‘stupid’ to have mispronounce this word that I did
not even give it time to look at this word and see if I was really pronouncing
it wrong. I just believed her and took
her mocking me as validation that I was indeed stupid! This is how it went for me as a teenager. Anyone who made fun of me was like right and
I was wrong without me even considering if this was indeed the case. This fear of being stupid and seen as stupid
was the back-drop for me becoming very ‘shy’ and withdrawn.’ This lasted all the way through my 20s.
I will pick-up tomorrow.
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