Day 173 – Overwhelmed with Fear

This last week has a had a few events happen that have been overwhelming me and my attention span. I have not been able to do much more that sit and mope. I have had, and am still experiencing, a paralysis consuming me where just the thought of doing anything but sitting and moping is frightening to me.

This is like worry on steroids. This is s a good time for an intense worry episode to strike, as I just happen to be writing about worry in a series of writings; but I am going to have to take a break from that series to write about this specific worry episode a bit more directly as I have tried to continue writing on my current topic but just cannot seem to do it - as what is 'here' is this intense worry over what has happened this past week.

I will not write exactly what this is that happened this past week, but it is a few different events that have taken place that each could have unfavorable consequences beyond what I am willing and able to accept. If all these potentially adverse consequences were to manifest at once, it would be pretty tough to work through to say the least, both on an emotional level and a physical level.

So, I am like in this perpetually paralyzed state of intense worry where I like fear not worrying. I also want to kind of like 'disappear' in a way. For instance, I have been staying up late at night playing chess on the computer or listening to interviews on the internet or playing around on Facebook – completely wasting me time in like a ½ daze – because I just don't want to go to bed because I know that if I were to go to bed then I would fall asleep and then next thing I would experience is the morning where I would have to again face my day of which I just don't have the energy to do so due to all my 'energy' being taken and directed towards worry and fear of the future. So, like, staying up late and wasting my time is like my escape from what it here and what is happening and what has happened over these last several days.

As a consequence, I have not been keeping my writing schedule for my journey-to-life blog this past week as I cannot wake up early due to staying up late; and even when I do sit to write my emotions are so intense and misdirected that I cannot calm myself down to write effectively. I basically have been experiencing writers block this week.

I believe that part of the solution to get me back on track is to get off my current topic and write about what I am experiencing now as I am doing right now in this writing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become consumed with worry and fear of what might happen as a consequence to what has happened this past week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in back-chat / internal dialog where I discuss with myself over and over again what has happened, what might happen, and how bad my life could be if what might happen, happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to crawl in a whole and hide from what is here and what might happen / might be the here of the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to completely 'shut-down' as a reaction to what has happened this past week – where I do not want to do anything but only those things that are able to completely distract me from what is here; wherein I can hide from what is here within and as forgetting about what is here and what has happened through doing certain things that take me into the distraction my mind, like watching TV or playing chess, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I cannot handle the worst possible outcome of all these events if they were to happen at once.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into regret of the past where I regret what it is that I have done to manifest what is now the here of what I am facing – as I see, realize, and understand that regret does nothing to change what is here but only creates an emotional loop of thoughts and emotions that loop over and over again within and as the energy of regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist being right here and directing myself within and as the breath as if being right here and following through with my commitments will have an adverse affect on what it is that I am worrying about.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that regardless of what has happened and what might happen as a consequence to what has happened, that I must move breath-by-breath to face what is here and still follow through with my self-commitments to myself and others as what has happened has nothing to do with what it is that I need to do on a daily basis.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow what happened and what might happen interfere with what it is that I must do right here in my daily walk and daily life due to my being possessed with fear and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed with fear and worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not worrying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen if I do not worry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume myself with the energy of worry and fear of what might happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to either go into fear of what might happen or go into an escape from what is here within and as doing something that can completely distract me from what is here right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rehearse over and over again in my mind what it is that I am going to do and say to help mitigate all the possible consequences that I am facing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that rehearsing over and over again what I am going to say or do in the future is not necessary to my survival or my creating a situation that works out in my favor – all that is needed is that I use my mind and projection as a tool to create a solution that is best for all and best for my situation and then once that is accomplished, I breathe and remain here and walk the solution in the physical / into physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consume my day with projecting into the future as if projecting into the future is a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to picture what my future might look like when all the possible consequences to what has happened manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I project will happen in my mind will happen as if I can control physical reality with the projections of my mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here in and as the breath, and instead to per-occupy myself within my mind where I enter into an illusionary world where 'everything will be better.'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – instead of directing myself within physical reality to get what I need to get done, done that I require to do – imagine within my mind all sorts of possible outcomes as an attempt to control the future wherein in fact, I am doing nothing in regards to my current responsibilities and nothing to actually help change the future into what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to comfort me in my fear of what will happen to me in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sit back and hide from what is here and instead imagine how I would like things to be and in this process wait for someone else or something else to just happen to me or to be given to me instead of taking responsibility for myself and what has happened wherein I move myself to change myself and to execute what is required to be done here within where I am now before all these potential events have played-out.

Within all this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just want to give up on what I have to do now and what is here because of the fear that I have of the future and what might happen in the future. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed with what the future might hold to the extent that I just want to give up on everything now because I see everything as just pointless when compared to what the future might hold. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'not strong enough / not capable enough to handle what might come my way in the future as a consequence to what has happened in this past week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by the energetic experience of the mind which has created this experience of wanting to give up on everything.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that giving up really exists and that I can really give up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overcome by the energetic experience of the mind where I just want to give up and go hide in a cave where I can hide from what is here and what might be here and just vanish from existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind-fuck for myself where I feel as if I were to do something / anything other than just 'hiding' would increase my odds of having the worst-case scenario happen to me; and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is pointless to do anything of taking personal responsibility here because of the potential consequences of what has happened over this past week being to much to bear and greater in a way that taking care of what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that 'if I do anything else other than worry about what might happen, then the worst case scenario might happen and also if the worst-case scenario happens I will not be able to bear it.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fears and doubt to direct me instead of me directing me as the breath, as the physical, within the principle of all as one as equal and what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would rather compromise myself further within neglecting my daily responsibilities than facing myself and my world in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to fears and doubts and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the experience of wanting to give up is 'more than' and 'more powerful' than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless within facing the consequences for what has happened this past week, and within this feeling of powerlessness, I forgive myself for going into the desire to want to just give up on everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my past and what I have done in order to bring about the consequences that I have faced this last week.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that in accepting and allowing regret to become me – I exist as regret and am bound to the past of which I have become and so not allowing me to live here and take responsibility for what is here, now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret those past moments where I did not allow myself to direct myself in the best possible way because I had fallen to the mind as if regret can change the past and as if within and as regret I am punishing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself within then emotional experience of regret and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further sabotage myself within being frozen within and as the experience of regret where I will not allow myself to be here as form of punishment as if I am not 'worthy' to be here and to step forward and take self-responsibility from where I am now, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not worthy of life, that I am not worthy to be here and to take self-responsibility from where I am here regardless of my past and that within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to pay a price / a penance for my transgressions that have lead to the unfortunate events of this past week wherein I must remain in regret, giving up, fear, worry, and self-abuse.

When and as I see myself going into regret, fear, worry, giving-up, future projection, and procrastination all as one big reaction to what has happened to me this past week, I fully commit myself to stop and breathe and push myself to move myself within and as the physical, within and as my physical body – where I direct myself to stay on track and take care of all my self-responsibilities and self-commitments – because I see, realize, and understand that I am here and that the past is the past and that from where I am here I must continue to breathe and walk my life to be as effective as possible within stopping my mind and taking care of my personal responsibilities.

Thus I commit myself to remain here and breathe and stop my mind, stop the fear, the worry, the future projection, the giving-up, the regret – and live here in each and every breath as the directive power of me and my life where I get what I need to get done and prepare myself to walk through all the potential consequences I am facing as best as I can.

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed ,msyelf to see, realize, and understand that no matter the consequences, I am always here and must remain stable within and as the physical as the breath – that who I am is not dependent on the consequences of whatever it is that I face.

Thus I commit myself to remain here and constant no matter what it is that I face when and as I see myself become possessed by the energy of fear, worry, future projection, regret, blame, and giving-up - by directing my attention to the breath as soon as I see these energies emerging, and directing my attention to to my physical body as well, where I move myself within my physical body until I am here with and as my physical body and no longer in my mind. From there, I direct myself to face myself here within taking care of my responsibilities that I face right here within physically doing what is required in each and every moment to live my life and walk my responsibilities within the principle of what is best for all.