Day 175 – BDMWP, Part XIII – Who ‘I Am’ Within Communication V – Scolded By My 1st Grade Teacher

I remember really liking what it is that I drew for my art assignment that my teacher hated in first grade.  I was really proud of it.  I was also fearful of what she would say because I new that I did not follow the instructions exactly as she wanted.  I remember not being able to do the art assignment exactly like she requested for some reason that I cannot remember exactly - like it was just a little physically difficult for me to do, as I all I can remember is that I was supposed to use yarn to form a picture and then put a piece of paper over the yarn and then shade in the picture that the yarn created onto the piece of paper.  I remember taking a different approach because I could not figure out how to do this as she wanted and then I remember completing the assignment 'my way' and then liking it and other kids liking it too.  Then my teacher saw this and became angry and told me that I did it all wrong and that I don't know how to listen.  She was physically frustrated with me wherein I was afraid of her to a certain extent.  I remember feeling bad about myself after this and thinking that I am just not good at anything.  Then from that point on she seemed to have it out for me in a way and would tell me things like 'I would not amount to anything' and that 'I am not that smart' of which I don't remember this too well but my mother told me she would say these things to me and that she actually had a few parent-teacher conferences with this teacher to address this.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of what my teacher would say about my assignment knowing that I did not do it the way she wanted me to do it.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to my teacher when she became angry and frustrated at me when she saw my assignment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to my teacher's reaction to my assignment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a self-doubt in regards to / as a reaction to my first grade teacher telling me that 'I would not be able to make it in this world' and 'that I am not very smart'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop self-doubt because before my teacher became angry at me for 'doing my assignment wrong', I was proud of my assignment - and from that point forward, I learned not to trust myself because I have 'failed' myself within the point that I was even proud of myself and the art project I did of which turned out to be a 'failure' according to my teacher.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that all the other kids are smarter then me as a consequence / reaction  to my teacher yelling at me and putting me down in first grade and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself from this point forward because when this happened I was excited about what I created and thus felt from that point on that I was not able to trust myself with certainty within my assessments of reality - seeing reality for what it is - seeing myself for who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself so as to not be heard by others so that I can avoid the judgment of others within avoiding being judged by others as my teacher had judged me as 'being wrong and not knowing how to do anything', and how I had learned to judge myself like this as a consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I don't know how to listen' and to within that believe actually manifest a point within self of 'not being able to listen' because I would withdraw from a conversation in fear of being scene as not being able to listen and as a consequence actually not listen thus reinforcing this fear / belief.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to listen as if this is just 'who I am', I just can't listen - not see, realizing, and understanding that listening is just an act of what one does within self-discipline - that no-one is in-fact better or worse at listening, inherently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am not able to listen to others and thus within this fear I have separated myself from others and withdrawn into myself to 'hide' from them so that no one can say that 'I do not know how to listen'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to been seen as not being able to listen to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'I cannot follow instructions' and to within this belief, not trust myself as being able to follow instructions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my ideas are 'no good' as a consequence / reaction to my teacher scolding me for doing my art assignment 'wrong' and not 'listening' to her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and horror of everyone while growing up from that point forward - INFERIOR - in fear and horror of being scene as less than, less smart, less worthy of others attention.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear / to connect fear to the possibility of being 'rejected' again by my teachers and my peers while growing up to the point that I would suppress myself so as to hide from everyone and anyone so no one could judge me as I have judged myself - as I judged myself as a reaction to my teacher in the first grade.