Ok, before doing self-forgiveness on days 171 and 172, I want to look at something else that just came to my attention regarding this same subject. I just listened to a Life Review titled 'The Victim Of Judgment' wherein the speaker talks about how when she was in first or second grade she was scolded by her teacher regarding her art-work not being perfect, or up to the teachers standards, and how she as a consequence became very judgmental of herself throughout her life where nothing she did was 'good enough'.
While listening I realized that this same very thing happened to me! I remember specifically being told by my first-grade teacher that my artwork on a specific assignment was 'no good' and that 'I did it all wrong' and my teacher was like mad at me to the extent that I felt bad about my art work and felt like I just couldn't do it and was afraid to try to do it right because I did not want to get yelled at again. Furthermore, my teacher would tell me things like 'I am never going to make it in life' and 'that I am not that smart' (at other times as well in first grade).
My mother reminded me of this a while back, and I was like in shock at all the things that my teacher said to me and about me. My mother told me about how she had a teacher conference with this teacher and told this teacher to stop being so harsh on me and also told me about how this teacher said the same things to her about me that she said to me. This teacher retired soon after me and was very old. I would assume that she had just had too much and was a big-time grouch by the time that I was her student.
And just like the interview 'The Victim of Judgment', after hearing my teacher scold me and ridicule me regarding me art work / assignment I began to believe that I just wasn't that smart and that I wasn't that good at art and also became afraid to try things, anything, as if everyone else was naturally better at anything than I was, when all the while I was just a kid and kids just explore with their art and with whatever it is they do – so that is what I was doing – I was exploring myself with my art assignment, and probably did not do it the way she wanted me to do it, and this teacher scolded me for just being a kid, in essence, of which probably had a consequence of causing me to become harsh on myself and very judgmental on myself and afraid to try anything from that point on.
So, I will do some self-forgiveness on this aspect of 'who I am within communication'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and self-judgment when my teacher scolded me for my art-work when I was in first-grade.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not as smart as all the other kids in my class because my teacher told me so while I was in first grade.
I forgive flimsy that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot do art and that I am not able to do art because my teacher told me that 'I was doing my art assignment all wrong' when I was in first grade.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself as a reaction and consequence to my teacher telling me that my art-assignment was done 'wrong' and that it is 'no good' and 'not the way you are supposed to do it' because I remember before she told me this that I was proud of what I did and that I liked what I did – thus I did not trust myself from this point of because I felt that I had somehow let myself down and was unable to see reality for what it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not as smart as others as consequence to my first-grade teacher telling me that I am not that smart and that I will never make it in life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself in that moment when my teacher told me that I did my art-assignment 'all wrong' and expressed anger at me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a fear reaction to my teacher scolding me for doing my art-assignment 'wrong' when I was in first-grade.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my teacher was speaking with absolute authority as if she were speaking from the point of representing physical reality – as if it were some form of a law of nature that 'I am not good at art and not capable of doing my art-assignment the right way'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my teacher had the 'right' to get mad at me because 'I deserved it because I did my art-assignment wrong.'
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I cannot do an art-assignment wrong, especially as a 7 year-old child who is just simply exploring himself with everything that he does.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as inferior and less able than the other kids as a consequence to my teacher scolding me for my art-assignment being done 'wrong'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other kids from that point on as being naturally smarter and superior to me in all ways.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from other kids within not talking and speaking-up from myself from that point on in fear that they might ridicule me or scold me like my teacher did in first-grade – and see me for 'who I am' as inferior, stupid, and less capable than they are.
I will pick-up tomorrow.
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