I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that I am ‘stupid’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that ‘I have nothing to say of value to others’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
live my childhood and early adulthood within the belief that I am ‘less
interesting and less fun to be around than others.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
connect fear to ‘judgments that others may make of me.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
connect fear to the point that others might judge me to be stupid or boring or
inferior in some way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
live in fear of what other’s think of me to such an extent that this fear
actually changed who I am in relation to others where I would act withdrawn and
say very little when around others, predominantly in my younger years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
compare myself to others and then within that comparison believe that I am less
than others. And within this, I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and strive to be
‘more’ than others within proving myself to be smarter, funnier, and more
talented than others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create a ‘story’ about myself to explain and justify why it is that I cannot
get along with others and get what I want from them, such as sex,
relationships, money, friends, acceptance, attention, validation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
create 2 separate stories as justifications as to why I was so withdrawn: 1:
that I was a genius of extra intelligence thus I don’t get along with others
like normal, and 2: my father’s both were taken from my life and thus I have
social problems as a consequence and it’s all my mother’s fault.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
pursue the personal hobbies of chess and classical piano from the starting
point of trying to establish myself as superior to others within the point that
I am some sort of genius and thus that makes up for and explains why I am not
getting what I want within the standard social context with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
build ideas and beliefs around words, within and as myself as picture
presentations, charged with positive energy - where I would create the desire
within and as myself to experience these ideas, beliefs, and words such as
‘sex’, ‘winning’, ‘making people laugh’, ‘being popular’, ‘acceptance’, and
‘validation’ – not realizing that I had given these words, beliefs, and ideas
definitions associated with pictures within and as my mind where I am expecting
and hoping these beliefs, ideas, and words to play out as an experience within
my world; and when these do not play
out in the same way that they are defined and pictured and charged within and
as positive energy within my own mind, I become disappointed and then believe
that I have the right to experience these definitions of words, beliefs, and
ideas and thus go into blaming others, and in this case my mother, that they
did not give me these experiences or that my mother screwed me up mentally so
that I could not design myself in a way that would grant me these experiences
as I have defined them within and as myself as picture presentations charged
with positive energy within and as my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not see, realize, and understand that I had created ideas and beliefs around
words about what I want for myself, such as sex, popularity, and acceptance and
charged these things with positive energy within and as my mind of how, when,
what, and where and with whom I would like to experience these things and
myself; and as such I had created an expectation within and as myself of what I
must experience and thus what other’s must give me as experiences - and through this I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother for ‘screwing my childhood
up and thus creating mental problems for me within and as me as a consequence’
– thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within this
blame, be creating a way for me to feel better about myself for not being able
to get what I want of which are things that exist as picture presentations of
ideas, beliefs, and words charged with positive energy within and as my mind.
To be continued.
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