Day 32 - Anger at My Mother

The other day while I was at work my mother called and wanted my driver’s license information so that she can update it on her banking account.  She was doing this because just in case of her death, all her money would be easily transferred to me.   Even though she was doing this for my benefit and I realized this when she called I became slightly angry and frustrated with her for ‘bothering’ me with this for a few reasons:

1.     I was at work and very busy,

2.     I felt that I did not have the time to deal with this trivial matter,

3.     I felt imposed-upon in regards to my time because I was not expecting her call,

4.     Even though, in the moment that she called, I realized that she was looking out for me and that her call was of a practical and reasonable manner, I still felt that she was doing something that was not necessary and superfluous because of my past experiences with her.

So, her calling me, while I was busy and not expecting her call, to ask me to give her my driver’s license information has a trigger point for me to pull-up memories of her asking me to do things that I did not agree with in the past, which were also a trigger point for me to go into an emotional reaction of anger and frustration towards my mother.

I tried to keep a lid on it, so I wasn’t ‘too bad’; yet I still accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by these emotions, thoughts, feelings and memories instead of breathing and being here and walking this experience with my mother from the starting point of oneness and equality, and in practicality.  I see, realize, and understand that even if she were being too pushy or impractical, as I have judged her to be in the past, then all that is required to be done is to express this point to her without participating in emotions and feelings and anger and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow my mother’s random phone call to me while I was ‘busy’ at work to act as a trigger point for me to go into the emotional reaction of frustration because of memories of her bothering me for matters that I judged to be superfluous, in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories of my mother ‘bothering me’ for things that I have judged to be ‘superfluous’ in the past and to charge these memories as negative in separation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of anger and frustration towards my mother when and as she acts in a way that is similar to events in the past where I have judged her to be superfluous and over-bearing and forceful.  And within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed to myself to see, realize, and understand that by reacting to my mother in anger and frustration because of memories and opinions of her that I hold onto and have charged as negative and ‘bad’ that my relationship with my mother is of the past, and not here in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself with my mother in relation to memories of past instead of being here in the breath in every moment not reacting, as a clean-slate with her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mother calling me to ask me to do something, anything at all, to be a ‘trigger point’ for me to go into memories of her asking me to do things in the past where I felt that she was being overbearing, unreasonable, and superfluous – and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed those memories to act as a trigger point for me to go into the emotional reaction of frustration and anger instead of breathing and being here and acting towards her in the moment as a clean-slate not of memories and reactions but from the starting point of oneness and equality with her as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not react in anger and frustration towards her that I may be ‘trapped’ yet again by her overbearing, unreasonable, requests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the emotional construct of ‘fear’ to the possibility of being trapped by my mother if I do not react to her in anger/frustration defense; and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my reaction towards my mother is form of defensiveness where I am defending who I am in separation of her because of past experiences where I have felt ‘smothered’ as to who I am individually apart from her and also forced upon by her with her opinions, etc. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an automatic defense mode in regards to my mother whenever she behaves in certain predefined ways because of memories that I have held onto of her, and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that so long as I participate in this, the relationship that I have with my mother is of the past.
More to come on this….