Day 410 - Suppression

Recently the point of suppression came up.  The point of crystallized suppressions, to be exact.  The point of becoming your suppressions, to be even more exact.  The point of drug induced crystallized suppressions to be even more exact than the last more exact.  Then I thought to myself "what are my suppressions?  What do I suppress?  I am not even sure, really".  Probably so, because I am suppression my suppressions from myself, I suppose.  Then I realized that this needs to be explored.  I need to know what my suppressions are so that I can free myself from them and stop suppressing.  And if I have, indeed, crystallized suppressions, then I really need to get started on this, like, asap; in order to do the extra work required to remove these crystallizations - and heaven forbid, I become my crystalyzed suppressions?  Have I already become my crystalized suppressions?

So, got on Eqafe, and listened to Kryon's "How to Stop Suppressing" to help clarify things in this department.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when thoughts, ideas, perceptions, beliefs, judgments, pictures, memories come up / pop-up in my mind, react to them, which is separation, instead of seeing these things as mirrors - something to be looked at, equal and one with me here, and investigated.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I react to things that come up in my mind, that I am forming relationships with them, which is separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to edit / change things that come up in my mind to make it better / more acceptable - of which is a form of suppression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that anything that comes up in my mind such as secret indulgences / desires wherein I only share with certain people, are in fact also suppressions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that whenever I become defensive, or deny, or create a delusion around anything that I do not wish to see about myself is also a suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide things from myself and others through suppression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to bring a point here, and write about it exactly as it is without dressing it up or changing it in someway through thinking about the point / reasoning about it / rationalizing about it - of which is suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change the nature of what is coming up within and as me as my mind of which is suppression.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the key to not suppressing is to face things that come up in my mind exactly as they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the idea of crystallized suppressions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up because of the belief and idea that bringing a point here and writing it out exactly as it is - is impossible to do because I am not capable of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, and perceive that I am not capable of the "level" of self honesty to both see and face my suppressions exactly as they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my suppressions and to fear the point that I have suppressions.

I forgive msyelf that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that radical breath is the key to supporting myself to slow down to see what I suppress and the exact nature of it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that although I may have "crystallized suppressions" - breath-by-breath I can take them out.

I commit myself to slow down enough to see and map out my suppressions through the self support of radical breath and then write them out one by one until it is done and I am clear of suppressions living here equal and one within and as the physical, as Life - and no longer a systems of energetic slavery as the mind.

Day 409 - "Radical"

The phrase "radical breath" is peculiar to me.  When I hear it I react with positive energy, except when I hear it combined with the word "breath", which then I react with negative energy.  These reactions keep me from being able to live this word equal and one with me as the breath, here; but instead cause mind reactions where I become energy possessed, and thus lost.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word "radical" as good due to its referring to something that is out-side of the ordinary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word and idea of "ordinary" as bad / negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with the word "radical" within and as positive energy as if I am something more than who I am as Life, here, because I am "radical".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to express myself as "radical" in order to create the positive energy experience within and as myself as being "more than".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the term "radical breath" as bad / negative / silly because of my self created idea and perception that this is not possible because the breath is breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my self-created negative judgement of the phrase "radical breath" be a platform for me to resist and ignore exploring this point within which I am therefore limiting myself / my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity point in regards to the word "radical" depending on how it is used / what context it used within, through judging this word as good or bad accordingly to how it is used.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that energetic reactions towards words limits one's ability to comprehend language, limits one's ability to communicate effectively, limits one's abilities to hear words within equality, and thus limits one's potential both in and as this world in competition, and as Life, here as the physical.

The definition of Radical:

rad·i·cal

[ˈradək(ə)l]

ADJECTIVE

1. (especially of change or action) relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something; far-reaching or thorough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down enough to simply look at the actual definition of the word radical, of which indicates relating to or affecting the fundamental nature of something which of course is CHANGE.

Sounding the word Radical, I come up with: Rad-I-Call, short for radiation that I call.  

Radiation:

Radiation permeates dense solid object and changes their nature.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand eloquence of the phrase "Radical Breath" as that it communicates the point of breathing that affects self-change - and that breathing would be the breathing wherein one is here within and as the breath, in awareness, as Life, here - that is radical breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I know when I am standing within and as radical breath if I am in fact changing in a measurable way, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that If I am not changing, I am not breathing, and that if I think I am exercising radical breath, but no change occurs - that this indicates to me, that I am experiencing radical breath within and as my mind, and not living radical breath as an expression of me, here, within and as the physical, as Life.

I commit myself to use radical breath to change myself into what is best for all, breath-by-breath.

I commit myself to live the words "radical breath" as one and equal with me here, as the physical, breath by breath.

I commit myself to change my very nature, from that as spite and abuse for the sake of energy and experience, to that of equality and oneness, as the physical, for the sake of what is best for all, breath-by-breath.

Day 408 - Radical Breath as the Key to Self Change

What does radical breath mean?  I don't know exactly.  I mean I do know, but not exactly.  What I do know, is that aligning myself within and as the breath is the key to stopping the energetic systems of the mind.  So, this post is to explore that point as to bring it here for me, so that I can support myself the change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word "breath" as stinky breath and as negative creating a polarity towards the word breath and utilizing the breath as the key to support myself to remain here within and as the physical and as the breath so I can stop the energetic systems of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that who I am / what I participate in, in each and every breath and between each and every breath, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant accumulates to support me to either re-birth myself as life, here in the physical, or to further entrap myself into the energies of the mind.

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my process of self change within accepting and allowing energy as thoughts, feelings, and emotions in and between breath, instead of standing as life in each and every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that others judge the term breath as silly or strange due to lack of understanding and thus within that, accept and allow myself to not use utilize breath as a tool to self change - thus within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this is a form of sabotage by the mind, like a CIA operation to derail a newly being installed government through coercion and fear tactics that are not logical and mathematical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot stop participating in the mind unless I map it out in writing first, and thus as a consequence of this belief, I then accept and allow myself to accumulate moments of not breathing - when in fact, I have the choice to breathe and ground myself here as the breath, in every moment of breath, so long as I can see the point - I can stop it in one breath.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my own process of self change by creating a blockade against change and against remaining here as breath, because of the belief that I can only stand within and as the points that I have addressed in writing, thereby making writing an actual crutch and resistance point rather than what it is intended to be in fact: a tool to support the stopping of the mind, but not the end-all be all of what I have the power to do in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I use the words "where did the time go" - that that reveals to me that I have been mind possessed within and energetic patterns that have distracted me from what is actually here as me as physical existence and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to apply myself to breathe the 4 count breath: in breath for 4 counts, the infinite moment between the in and out breath for 4 counts, then the out breath for 4 counts, then the infinite moment between the in and the out breath for 4 counts - whenever I am able as a point of support to remain here and slow down enough to expose what I am existing as, as the mind  in regards to both what comes up in the mind as energy while doing so and also in regards to how long I can apply the 4 count breath before my mind takes over again and I stop breathing. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and contribute to abuse, as seen in all facets of this world, by accepting and allowing seemingly harmless mind patterns instead of deleting them instantly through as remaining here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience towards the point of breathing, where I thus create a polarity:  breathing as "good" and not breathing as "bad", of which creates a form of a mind-possession, instead of living here simply as the breath, in every moment as a physical expression of me as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to define for myself, as a means of support, the point of Radical Breath as: the point of self commitment to remaining here in and as breath, in each and every moment of breath, no matter what I may face, wherein through this I empower myself to align my self expression with that of the physical and as Life, and thus also empower myself to stop any point of the mind that comes up in my awareness immediately - of which empowers me to transcend death and recreate myself to that which is best for all, as the physical and as Life.

I commit myself to use Radical Breath whenever I am aware.

I commit myself to use Radical Breath to speed up my process to change self into what is best for all.

I commit myself to use Radical Breath to stop any and all mind patterns immediately, in one breath; and if not, then to develop my ability over time to do so.

I commit myself to remain here as the breath, in every moment of breath - and to develop my ability to do so increasingly over time through the support of writing these blogs, and committing myself to always choose the breath over energy.

I commit myself to end all mind possession through radical breath.

I commit myself to support myself to slow myself down, through breathing and radical breath, so as to enable myself to see the energetic patterns that I am accepting and allowing myself to existing as - So as to support myself so to THEN address these discovered and exposed points with self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and corrective application, in writing these blogs, so as to further increase my awareness so as to support myself to more readily see when and as I am in an energetic pattern and thus further enable myself to stop and choose to breathe, and remain here as the breath, the physical, as Life.

I commit myself to stop the mind and breathe because that is what is best for me and what is best for all.

I commit myself to live radical breath as my expression so as to be a part of the solution to end all suffering on earth.

Day 407 Its been 3 years

It's been 3 years since my last post on my journey to life.  Not sure where the time went.  It does not seem as if it was 3 years ago.  So, what happened?  In short,  it's easier to go with the flow. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "go with the flow" of my pre-programmed personalities because it is easier than living and standing in and as self-honesty, and thus applying self forgiveness and corrective application consistently so that I can support myself to change / to stop living as my pre-programmed virtual self and birth myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time chasing energetic experiences so that I can satisfy the cravings of me as my mind consciousness system instead using the time, that I have, to apply myself to introspect in self-honesty so as to support myself map out my mind patterns so that I can then apply self forgiveness and then construct corrective application solutions that I can then apply daily, within and as each breath, consistently to slowly but surely change overtime / stop the mind patterns that I have accepted and allowed myself to to exist within and as over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to change and thus react within this point by giving up and doing nothing to support myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot change because of my experience with writing in that when I use writing to map out a pattern that I seek to correct, that my experience is that I freeze up and unable to do so. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the idea that walking process is somehow missing out on living life, when it is exactly the opposite - I am not and have not been living life, but merely living pre-programmed patterns as personalities as the mind where I repeat patterns like cycles chasing energetic experiences unto infinity / never ending - like a hamster on a wheel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am too tired to do process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my writings as "no good" and then react with fear towards writing and then seek other behaviors to participate in instead so that I can forget about what I must do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist accepting the responsibility that I have, and that each has equally, to stand up and change to what is best for all.  And what is best for all is to not exist as the mind, to not exist as patterns and personalities, and to not exist as a being chasing energetic experiences, but rather what is best for all is to live here in every moment of breath as the physical where one is the same and not fluctuating emotionally or energetically in any way. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that the change that I want to see in this world takes application and time, but starts with me.  If I cannot change myself, then I cannot change this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste precious time chasing after energetic experiences instead of applying myself in every moment to stop existing within and as patterns of the mind, as beliefs, as ideas, as fears, as judgments. 

I commit myself to walk a process of self-honesty, self forgiveness, and corrective application wherein I apply myself in and as the breath and as the physical, in every moment daily.  I commit myself push through all resistances to walking my process so as to support myself to be consistent and thus change for real into what is best for all as the physical.

Day 406 - Overwhelmed and unproductive

I've been noticing that I am overwhelmed at work to the point where it just feels better to do nothing or to waste time doing something other than work.  When I attempt to focus, I start thinking of all the things that I need to do to increase my sales and thus income, and then when I start, I freeze up once the tasks involved become difficult.  A lot of what I do, to increase sales, is based on faith - faith that the work I do will come back to me in the form of new sales.  But there is no guarantee of this and then this fear of wasting my time kicks in and then I just do something else altogether and wind up just wasting my time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself give up on my tasks because I am overwhelmed / accepting and allowing me to go into the belief that I am overwhelmed / feel overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling overwhelmed is real / is me / exists outside of the construct of energy I create within and as myself, as me as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to, when and as I see myself as feeling overwhelmed, to take a step back and breathe until I am clear and here, and then from there sort out / prioritize what I need to do within the point of what is most efficient and most productive, then break it down into steps, either in writing or in my mind, and then move myself to execute each step, one by one and breath by breath, unto completion - wherein I stop and breathe when and as the point of being overwhelmed comes up, until I am clear reminding myself that this is just energy / an energy construct that I created without purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing nothing at all or wasting my time is a solution to feeling overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the feeling of being overwhelmed when and as I perceive myself to be busy / too busy.

"Most of us judge how busy we are by how much we have to do. When there are too many things to do, we think we're busy, and when there isn't much to do, it feels like we're not busy at all. But in fact, we can feel busy when there isn't that much to do, and we can feel relaxed even when there's a lot going on. The states of "busy" and "not busy" aren't defined by how many things there are to do. Contrary to popular opinion, there is no such thing as multitasking; the brain can tend to only one thing at a time. Being too busy or not being busy is an interpretation of our activity. Busy-ness is a state of mind, not a fact. No matter how much or how little we're doing, we're always just doing what we're doing, simply living this one moment of our lives." –Norman Fischer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge how busy I am by how much and how many varied things / tasks I have to do.  
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into / participate in / within and as "feeling busy" when and as I perceive that there are "too many things" to do / to be done, and to not feel busy when there isn't that much to do / to be done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge feeling busy as bad / negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect "feeling busy" with being overwhelmed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself create a personality wherein the characters of "feeling busy and feeling overwhelmed" combine together with the character of "wanting to give up".  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in / go into the behavioral pattern of moving around doing pointless tasks / taking breaks as a way to feel "better / more positive" as a solution to this negative feeling personality pattern of feeling busy, overwhelmed, and wanting to give up / feeling as if there is no hope.  
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I can in fact live, as myself, the word "relax" in every moment of breath that I am here as the breath when I have lots to do and when I have very little to do.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that multi-tasking can be used as an excuse / belief / justification for not applying myself as much as physically necessary to complete each individual task as it should be.  I commit myself to reduce the amount of multi-tasking that I do to just what is best within self honestly considering the situation at hand in the moment / in real time.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realize, and understand and to also ignore my realizations within this regard, that "no matter how much or how little one is doing, one always is just simply doing what one is doing" and thus there is no need for judgments positive or negative to be projected on to what is physically here as what one / or self is doing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to needlessly react with all kinds of energies / characters / personalities onto what I am doing, thus creating emotional instability within and as me as my mind, instead of just simply breathing and being here within and as what I am doing without judgment and reactions.
When and as I see myself going into perceiving that there is either too much to do or to little to do and then judging this and going into all sorts of reactions such as going into the feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up / experience of feeling overwhelmed and wanting to give up, or take excessive breaks thus making self less productive and increasing the intensity and frequency of this overwhelmed experience due to having even more to do, of which is a negative feed back loop, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this to exist within and as me from this point forward. Instead, I commit myself find a solution, in real time when and as this point comes up, with the general solution being to break things up to doing to doable tasks / steps, doing what is most practical without judgments or reactions, as the breath and as the physical, here.

Day 405 -- Insecurity - What is it?

From listening to the Atlantean Interviews on insercurity, I learned a couple of things. First of all, insecurity is more of a specific reaction to a specific event or circumstance rather than an ongoing point as I viewed it before. Specifically, one reacts in insecurity when one is in a situation that is unfamiliar and thus does not know how to respond creating a feeling of powerlessness wherein one over-reacts / responds in a way that makes one feel more powerful / taking one’s power back, such as yelling or screaming, etc. Furthermore, we often times learn insecurity from our parents who resort to yelling or screaming as a matter to take control when the parent is faced with situations with their kids that they do not know how to deal with (feeling dis-empowered). Secondly, insecurity is a system that is oftentimes rooted in the deeper mind layers and thus is inherited from ones parents, is more physically a part of who one is, thus making it a very difficult system / pattern to transcend.

Now there is also the point of how I have defined insecurity and that within this, insecurity has more of a broad definition in that everyone experiences and thus defines insecurity a bit differently for themselves. So, therefore, I am going to look at how I have defined and experienced insecurity. So, I am going to answer the following questions for myself here:

• How have I defined insecurity? Well, I have never actually formally defined this for myself. So, off the cuff, I would define insecurity, for myself, as any time when I feel inferior to a situation or being and then react with fear and either wanting to take control or flee the situation, so as not to have to deal with it.
• How does it make me feel? Insecurity makes me feel uneasy, hyper aware of self within the point of everything that comes out of my mouth comes under judgment and scrutiny, tense, my posture usually goes limp slightly, I just want to leave the situation, I react in anger more easily and say things that I might regret, and I feel that everyone is judging me.
• What does the emotional energy that is involved with insecurity do to my physical body? Like I just mentioned, my physical body goes limp slightly meaning that my posture is not as good as normal almost as if my body is projecting the inferiority that I feel inside. It also makes me feel tense like in the shoulder areas.
• In what moments and towards whom in my life do I react in insecurity? So, loosely speaking, insecurity is a point where I feel inferior to someone and thus react in fear and become quiet / don’t talk too much, and ultimately find ways of avoiding that person of whom I reacted in inferiority to. Usually I react in inferiority towards tall men, very athletic good looking men (those whom I judge to be good looking that is), men who are very funny especially with women, wealthy men, good looking women, and then also generally speaking in any situation where I feel that I don’t know what I am doing and feel that I can be judged as such or that I am expected to know what to do.
• What in my outside world triggers insecurity? Mainly men who speak in an authoritative voice or stance towards me, and in situations where I am caught by surprise and do not know what to do or have not developed a way of dealing with it and am required to think fast and on my feet and feel that I don’t fit in somehow to what is going on / don’t know for sure my position within regard to others.

So, I am going to start by walking self forgiveness on the conscious, subconscious, and unconscious mind layers within specific memories where I see a pattern of insecurity, leaving out the names of those involved in the situations, in my next writings.

Day 404 - Do You Know What Is Best?

Based on: Eqafe interview:  “Do You Know What is Best – Reptilians – Part 523

https://eqafe.com/p/do-you-know-what-is-best-reptilians-part-523

Do I know what is best / the best version of myself in any given situation / moment? Considering the points brought up in this interview, I can see that a part of me does in fact know what is best / the best version of myself and then if the emotional reactions are “too much” I quickly shut it down and don’t slow down enough to look at it or consider acting on in, and instead accept and allow the mind and it’s automated response patterns of fear, protection, defense, justification, worry, etc to act for me / in my behalf because I have not the courage to stand on my own. Perhaps I should define and live the word courage? And also considering the point that whatever we give attention to most, we tend to create, by not acting on that part of me that does know what is best / the best version of myself in any given moment, I am in fact perpetuating and creating myself as the mind of which is the problem and not the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and suppress that part of myself that knows what is best / what is the best version of myself in any given moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the courage to stand up and act on what is best / the best version of myself in any given moment, especially when the point is clear and I have already slowed down to consider a specific point.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to gift to myself the ability to slow down and breathe when faced with a moment of deciding between acting on that part of myself that does in fact know what is best / the best version of myself in any given moment, and going into the mind and its automating patterns that I am oh too familiar with and comfortable with of which is the easy way out because it is so easy to be sucked right into the patterns and submit in exchange for the feeling of doing something about an apparent problem that probably does not in fact exist.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to gift to myself the gift of slowing down and breathing, where I enable myself to stop my mind and stand as life. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beingness and self-expression to be suppressed by the patterns of my mind instead of gifting myself the release of the mind and its patterns through slowing down, breathing, and self-forgiving, and standing within and acting on what is the best version of myself. Thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand on the realization that the key to walking process and birthing self as life is to be creating self as life more than one is creating self as the mind because in any given moment one is creating self either way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to redefine and live the word courage – wherein I live and walk within the point of courage wherein I have, am, and express the courage to stand on what is best and live it as my expression in every moment that I am able to see the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself to my own back-chats that I accept and allow to become “over-whelming” and then pretend that “I cannot resist” so that I can justify allow my mind to tell me what to do and who I am just because I am to scared to stand.

When and as I see myself in a moment of “truth” where I can decide to be and act on that part of me that knows what is best / the best version of myself and the part of me that wants to still be coddled with the patterns of the mind so that I don’t have to be responsible, I stop and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to be the worst version of myself just because I am too scared or too addicted to energy and bullshit. The time for being a wimp is past. It is time to stand and what is best. Thus, I commit myself, when those moments arise, immediately remind myself of this writing, then slow down and breathe and take a stand to not act at all until I am clear and stabilized through within and as the breath in the physical where I am here in oneness and equality. Then once clear, I commit myself to stand with the courage to act on what is best / the best version of myself – so that I can stand as the solution to what is here, instead of the problem.