Day 395 – Always looking for the “perfect words”, Part III

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the pattern of looking for the perfect words to say while in conversation with someone that is or has something that I want, need, desire, or have placed myself inferior to. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that searching for the perfect words to say / having the desire to express the perfect words all so that I can manipulate others to get what I want and keep my self image in tact shows me that my starting point is fear, fear of loss, and fear of rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and self-manipulated by my own fears of loss and fears of rejection.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the perfect words are those that are a clear equal and one expression of myself here wherein I am not directed by any energy whatsoever and my communication is from the starting point and principle of what is best for all, always.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define perfect / perfection in and from the starting point of achieving, realizing, or manifesting some form of desire in its absolute most desirable form wherein I would call something “perfect” if and when that something embodies the epitome of what I desire to see, to hear, to experience myself as instead of defining perfection within expressing self within and as absolute equality and oneness within the starting point of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlling / step into the controlling character within and as my words wherein I am searching for the perfect words to say so that I can control the choices and actions of others to have things go my way, to my benefit, and to benefit my self image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself into and as my mind / into having conversations with myself in my mind while I sort out the perfect words to say while in conversation with someone else, of which keeps me from truly listening and being here with others as me while in conversation with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to the point that I would be able to handle whatever reactions others have to me and my words, no matter how “poor” my choice of words is. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take the approach of breathing and then speaking from a clear starting point where no energy is directing me while in conversation and then simply freely speak what comes out as long as the starting point is what is best for all. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that so long as I have hidden agendas, fears, and desires directing me, that I should be careful of my words to a certain extent because more than likely I am creating separation to get what I want within and as energy. Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my concern over my words really shows me that I am self-aware that I am not always acting in what is best for all, always, wherein I am not directed by energy / energies of fear and desire whatsoever, and thus have a hidden agenda. Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the solution to this pattern is to perfect my starting point wherein from that point I have nothing to fear and am in need of nothing, except basic needs, from anyone wherein the words I speak will be of a clear, equal and one communication that is supportive, spontaneous, and best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others words that are in response to my words with worry and fear that my choice of words caused a negative reaction in them based upon their choice of words in response to my words as well as their emotional / feeling reactions and body language that I interpret / project as negative in some way. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this fear reaction with worry wherein I get caught-up in my mind worrying, imagining, projecting, and fearing the reactions of others / believing that I am being negatively judged or assessed, all while in conversation with others thus separating myself from them and also distracting myself into my mind into and as a mind possession generated and created through reacting with fear to my own fear; and thus making me ineffective in my communication with them due to not listening to them, but rather to the voices in my head.

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of trying to choose the perfect words to say while in conversation with others or reacting to others reactions to my words with worry in the form of back-chats that distract me from the actual conversation at hand – I stop, and I breathe. I do not accept and allow myself to try go into this pattern because I see, realize, and understand that this is not beneficial to anyone, that it separates me into the energy and polarity of my mind, and it causes a breech in communication which is the very thing that I am fearing. Thus, I commit myself to release myself from this patter by doing the following things:

1. I commit myself to investigate my starting point to see if I have any points of self-interest directing me of which would act as a platform for my words to be directed with controlling or manipulative characters. From here, I commit myself to correct my starting point to that of what is best for all, always, and with all people for all reasons through self-correction, construct by construct, so that I through time correct my starting point to that of what is best for all in all contexts and for all reasons and purposes of what I move myself.
   
2. I commit myself to further expand myself in the area of self-trust to grow my self-trust to a point wherein I trust myself to be able to stand no matter what consequences / losses I create with my words because I see, realize, and understand that I am ultimately a physical being, made of physical substance of which is the same material throughout all of existence and thus makes me equal with all as self and thus means that I actually already am the very things that I desire and thus cannot really in-fact loose anything.
   
3. I commit myself to make a practice of breathing and thus stopping my mind the moment that I see it triggered into an automated self-protection mode wherein I am back-chatting about what I have said in conversation.
   
4. I commit myself to stop these back-chats, worries, fears, imaginations, projections the moment that I see them come up within and as me by reminding myself that these energies will not help me in any way whatsoever and will actually create what I fear by taking me out of the conversation and into my head wherein I will not be as effective in conversation. I commit myself to breathe and delete these constructs and then tune back in to the conversation wherein I am most effective.
   
5. I commit myself to be on the look out for these triggers that can trigger this pattern:
   
   1. Being in the presence of someone that I want something from.
      
   2. Someone saying words or physically moving in ways that do not live up to my expectations thus acting as a trigger to go into worry, fear, about if they are positively reacting to my words and conversation.
      
   3. Being in the presence of someone that I have placed myself as inferior to through comparison. I commit myself to stop the comparison character.
      
   4. Voice tonalities and words that I interpret as threatening, unsatisfied, or unhappy as a reaction to what I have to say, of which triggers this pattern as a matter of self-defense.
      
   5. Fear that what I have to say will not be accepted by others.