Day 396 – Emotional

Emotional. That is me. I don't want to admit it so much, but it needs to be said so that I can face it and change it. Now, where and how am I emotional? Not in all ways, fortunately! And of course, just admitting that I am emotional does not really help in quantifying and defining in what way I am emotional. So, to help with this, I ask myself the question: Emotional? In what way? OK, there are different contexts that I have seen myself become emotional, in different ways:

1. For one, I seem to have a record of making emotional buying decisions. This has cost me a lot of money. For instance, I bought a very expensive water ionizer that I was convinced would help my wife at the time with her physical condition. It is still uncertain as to if this unit is actually working or not, but at the time I was completely convinced. I completely convinced myself through emotionally reacting to the words and pictures that I was presented with about the machine. The interesting thing is that, after walking process for quite some time now, I was actually aware that I was emotionally driven to buy this machine, but at the same time I suspended self-responsibility to step in and direct myself within and as the breath. It's as if I was possessed and enjoyed the possession and defended my possession while in the possession.
   
2. Another point of emotional outburst / possession is when and as someone says something or makes a comment that is closely aligned with what I have been thinking about in that time-frame. For instance, if I have recently had a realization regarding a certain topic or point and have spent a lot of time thinking about it and even reacting with pride or self-righteousness in regards to my realizations, of which is emotional, then when someone makes a comment on this topic or brings up a topic that is closely related to this topic, whatever the topic is, I then remember my own self-reflections on the said topic, and then react with an emotionally strong desire to express this point, but within the energies of self-righteous, defensiveness, and whatever other emotions I connected to this point / topic when I was participating in when thinking and / or speaking of this point / topic to myself in the past. It's as if thinking about a certain point with emotions attached to it (emotional bodies), form memories attached to emotional bodies all that I per-programmed through thinking and reacting to my thoughts within and as my mind, that all get brought all at once when someone brings up the said topic or a related topic. And when this happens, the emotional energies attached to these memories all come rushing up wherein I accept and allow myself to become mind possessed by them. Then, I act out and speak / write while possessed with these emotional bodies, and the interesting thing is, that it feels so “good” to allow myself to be mind-possessed due to the illusion of self-righteousness, being right, standing up for what is good and right, proving a point, and also within the starting point that I am somehow helping others “see the light” of those “realizations” that I had already of which obviously those realizations were attached to emotional energies of which activate with triggers that lead to possessions and thus even the realizations had an emotional element to them.
   
3. Another emotional point that I see within and as me / my mind as me, is the point of being directed by fear, worry, anxiety, and other emotions that are self-induced to my own negative self judgments. So, I might judge myself as inferior in some way to someone, and then react by projecting those self judgments onto others as if these judgments are coming from outside of me and then within that I start reacting and then being directed with fear, worry, anxiety, depression, suppression, dismay, hopelessness, inferiority, or whatever I have inflicted upon myself. I have been working on the points of worry, fear, anxiety, nervousness for a while now and have been able to slow down quite a bit in this regard, but there is still work to be done here.
   

So, I am going to look at these points with SF in the next writings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved and directed emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be mind-possessed by emotional energies due to the justification that it feels good / right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by the emotional energy of self-righteousness because I have thought something through in the past and thus feel vindicated to express this point through and as emotional energy.

I commit myself to stop myself from being possessed with emotional energy by standing firm in my decision to remain in breath, always, by stopping myself from going into emotional energies the moment that I see myself in a possession by stopping my participation in the mind and breathing instead. I commit myself to write more on this topic to bring clarity to this point so that I can see it in real time, when and as it comes up in the future, and then stop it and breathe and move within the physical as the physical.