Day 21 - An Old Friend

There are a lot of friends over the years to write about that it is hard to choose one.  I really don’t have any friends currently outside of my partner, so I am going to have to go into the past.  Within that, I choose to write about a friend I had during college: Darrin.

 

Ever since I can remember I was shy.  However, defining my situation as shyness really isn’t adequate.  Really, I had a low self-image because I saw myself as not interesting or fun to talk to or be around, not intelligent, and not funny.  I saw myself as inferior; in essence, to everyone else, and because of this I was afraid to talk to others and make friends because someone might see that I am or possess these ‘inferior’ qualities and also may put me down or say things to me that I was afraid to hear.  So, I was hiding within my shyness from others and from being exposed to others as being inferior.    Because of this, I mainly made friends with those who pushed themselves on me.  These people made an effort to become friends with me more so than I with them. 

 

However, within that, there were certain friends that I let “in” based on certain qualities, and one of those was Darrin.  Looking back, the qualities that Darrin possessed that drew me to him were, he is:

1.     assertive,

2.     confident,

3.     funny,

4.     smart within being quick-witted/able to assess information quickly,

5.     able to make friends with lots of people that I was not able to because of my shyness,

6.     able to talk to the opposite sex which I was not able to do very well because of my shyness,

7.     and daring to do things that were risky and yet fun, like:

a.       do drugs,

b.     get in fights (I would never fight),

c.      talk-shit to people,

d.     stand-up for himself no matter who it was,

e.      And go to parties and meet people that I would never have the opportunity to without him. 

 

So, Darrin served as a way for me to get the experiences that I desired with others by just tagging along, so-to-speak, and following his lead in doing things, of which I was too afraid to do this for myself as myself.

 

Self-Forgiveness and Corrective application on the point: ‘Assertive’

 

What is and was stopping me at the time from being ‘assertive’?

 

I say “was” because I have become more assertive in recent time than I was back then.  So, looking back and even now to a certain but much more limited extent, I was not assertive because of my poor or low self-image being that I saw myself as not very funny, not very interesting to talk to, not having anything of value to say, not being very intelligent and therefore not having anything to say or add to a situation that someone probably already knew, and being afraid to have someone expose me as this; so- therefore I would not be assertive in expressing my point of view or needs with others.  To boil it down, I was not very assertive because I felt I was inferior to others and therefore afraid of others and what they might think of me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one and equal with others and all of existence as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others and because of that not worthy of voicing my opinions and view-points.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less intelligent than others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘stupid’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘not funny’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as ‘boring’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not having anything of ‘value’ to say or add to a conversation and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide in shyness from others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘shy’ in order to hide from others and not face that fact that I fear being exposed as inferior to others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am inferior to others in separation of myself as life in oneness and equality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed as inferior to others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be assertive in speaking my position to others because of my belief/perception that I am inferior to them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am inferior to others and to therefore fear speaking up for myself and fear being assertive.

 

I forgive myself that I have participated in the thought that I having nothing to say.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought and idea that I am not interesting to talk to.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I am not as intelligent as others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my participation in thoughts that I am not interesting, having nothing to say, and am not as intelligent as others, be afraid to speak-up for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being laughed at by others because I may say something stupid.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as not having any good ideas or worthwhile opinions and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak up for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allow myself to connect the idea of not having anything to say to fear; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the idea and belief that I may say something stupid to fear; and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect speaking-up for myself to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

 

Self- Corrective Statements:

 

When and as I see myself going into fear that I may not have anything worthwhile to say I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I may not have anything to say because I see, realize, and understand that the idea that I may not have anything worthwhile to say is simply just that – and idea of the mind as my mind and therefore it is not of life as who I am as life.

 

When I see myself going into fear that if I am to speak-up for myself that I may be judged as being silly or ridiculous I stop and I breath because I see realize, and understand that this idea and opinion is not real and is of the mind.  Instead, I breathe and clear myself and then speak in the moment what it is that I need to say.

 

When and as I see myself going into the thought that ‘if I speak-up for myself then others may see me as ‘inferior’ because I may have a ‘bad’ idea, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to participate in such thoughts because I see realize, and understand I cannot control what others think of me and that in reality my starting point is all that matters - so, long as my starting point is ‘what is best for all’ within oneness and equality.  So, therefore, I stop participating in to fear of speaking up and being seen as inferior, and I breathe until I am clear and then assert myself and speak what it is that I need to speak.

Day 20 – Sleep

The following self-forgiveness on sleep on pretty much just copied from other blogs on sleep, but I found this to be very helpful in begining the process of reducing my sleeping hours to about 6 in order to open up more time to write:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thought that ‘I am tired’ is who I am, believing that ‘I am tired’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe a thought.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to a though in the belief that it is me; that it is me telling me that ‘I am tired’.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have a thought tell me that I am tired.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that ‘tiredness’ exists.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be subject to energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be controlled by energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience energy in the belief that energy is me.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that energy exists.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be directed by energy.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be the directive principle of me in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give my responsibility to energy to manifest in my world to tell me how I must be and how I must experience myself, instead of me expressing me.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the experience of a though is what is called ‘energy’. 

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that ‘energy’ is when I think a thought, I believe that thought is me, I manifest and experience that thought through voicing that thought and then I experience the ‘energy’ of that thought.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that ‘energy’ is when a system and I come together as one and I think I am that system and give power to that system and experience that system as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see what energy consists of in my world to make sure that I don’t allow myself to be controlled or directed by energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to by controlled and directed by a thought that tells me that I am tired which manifests that energy and within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what manifests the energy of ‘tiredness’ is the thought that ‘I am tired’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be tired if I don’t sleep for long hours.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be tired if I don’t sleep for at least 8 hours.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to be tired if I do not sleep for at least 8 hours.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself with belief system ideas.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself, program myself, with a belief system that I need to sleep for 8 hours or more, so when I actually sleep for 5 or 6 hours I am experiencing so-called ‘tiredness’.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am tired and that I look tired.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in whatever my mind says.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in every thought my mind tells me.  In other words – I am believing everything that my mind tells me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what my mind says when it is telling me that I am tired and that I should be sleeping right now.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea of ‘tiredness’ that the mind presents to me as reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my human physical body is depleting because I did not sleep for 8 hours of more.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea of depletion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the idea of sickness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mental thoughts and ideas.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe in whatever my mind says as the ‘truth’ as the reality.  But in fact the mind has no reality – it does not tell me the truth.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize the so-called ‘tiredness’ I am experiencing is actually experienced by my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the so-called depletion that I am experiencing is actually experienced by my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is the mind that feels tired – it is the mind that feels depleted.  So, in other words, there is a drop in mental energy because the mind runs on energy and the mind is addicted to energy.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energy of my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regenerate the mind, regenerate the ego of my mind, regenerate the energy of my mind, through constant participation in thinking and thoughts.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the energy of my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the energy of the mind goes up and down and it needs attention.  The mind needs to fight arguments and debates to sustain itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the attention I am getting from other people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the attention of comments, approvals, and validations that I get from other people.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in all this what I am really saying is: “give me some energy to sustain my mind.  I need your energy, your attention, which sustains my mind.”  And therefore it sustains self-perceptions and self-definitions.  Basically, the mind is all the formations I’ve accepted and allowed about myself and others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave energy in the form of attention from others so that my mental energy, my mind energy, can be maintained. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pick and choose from whom I want attention.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave for attention because I am actually craving for the attention they are giving me – the attention by looking at me or even just giving me a glance, just looking at me, listening to what I am saying, talking to me, communicating with me, they are a form of attention that I seek.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want other people to look at me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as an energy addict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the energy of my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist and manifest myself as an energy addict instead of being here as the breath of life I live as an addict who is constantly looking for an energy rush.  (in my case it is in the form of looks, approvals, comments, conversations, debates, contentions, and just looking for attention – phone calls, emails).

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave for the attention of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do, say things, or even make a joke, all to get attention from others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the energy of my mind, believing my energy is what all life is all about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need and must have sufficient sleep otherwise if I don’t – I’ll be tired.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on sleep.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that ‘lack of sleep’ exits – and that if I were to ‘lack sleep’ – I will be tired.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘lack of sleep’ to tiredness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that tiredness exists.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that tiredness is an idea / belief designed of the mind, accepted and allowed as ‘normal’ due to ‘lack of sleep’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that sleeping 8-9 hours or more is healthy for any human physical body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sleeping as healthy.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize, see, or understand that sleeping is a system of the mind used to alter, change, and update itself while I am unconscious.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse sleep as an escape from my reality, manipulating the reason and cause for sleeping through ‘making it sound acceptable’ through believing sleeping 8-9 hours or more is healthy and required.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the body only requires rest for a maximum of 6 hours and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the mind is the directive principle of me – as it has the ability to induce perceptual tiredness, which is the mind consciousness systems signal/sign that it requires regeneration and rejuvenation which is done through sleeping 8-9 hours or more.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that tiredness and sleep exist within the mind of the mind and it is not who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed, influenced and controlled by the mind- through it informing me when its ‘tired’ then using me to ‘sleep’ while it rejuvenates and regenerates and replenishes itself as it takes me on the journey through my subconscious and unconscious mind – to allocate manifestations to pre-occupy me during another day while I’m awake.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to use me – I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that abuse exists within self, through accepting and allowing myself to be abused by the mind – and because I accept and allow this within me, I accept and allow this within the rest of the world as me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that ‘sleeping’ and ‘awake’ is also polarity manifestations of the mind – I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that it’s the mind that sleeps and it’s the mind that wakes up and thus, that I  have never really lived.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the ‘normalcy’ of sleeping 8-9 hours a day is accepted and allowed by all of humanity within and of the unified consciousness field because it’s the exact amount of time the mind requires to allocate manifestations within the unconscious mind, then to merge them into the conscious mind as the mind wakes – I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the manifestations merged into the conscious mind, extracted from the unconscious mind is of the unified consciousness field from other human beings – yet – the moment I believe a thought to be me, as me, I make such manifestations my own and in this moment I infuse other human beings’ thought patterned behaviors and habits within and as my mind consciousness system that exists within me and thus such manifestations become me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the mind is at work while I sleep conjuring and gathering manifestations of any and all kinds extracted from the unconscious mind to merge into my conscious mind so I believe that such manifestations to be me because it exists in my mind and so the mind consciousness system within me ‘upgrades itself’ every evening I sleep.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that dreams are used by the mind consciousness system to divert my attention while I sleep to not actually understand and know what’s really going on while I sleep; therefore, dreams are meaningless.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am exists as thoughts, feelings, and emotions needing lots of sleep for a healthy life.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that lots of sleep, 8-9 hours or more, is healthy for the mind consciousness system within me as that which I have accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the difficulty of waking up in the morning is my emergence as the mind from the unconscious, to the subconscious to the conscious mind – which takes a while – then when I’m awake and up its actually me as the conscious mind actively participating within and of the unified consciousness field.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as sleep/sleeping.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define who I am as tired or tiredness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the pre-occupation and attention diversion of the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions to not accept or allow myself to experience myself as the breath of life as the moment – here as who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that who I am is the breath as the breath as the moment – here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that if I sleep less than I usually do, I will be tired the next morning instead of realizing that I am designing the very experience of tiredness in the morning through the perceptual belief and idea that less sleep equals tiredness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea and belief of ‘less sleep than I usually have’ equals tiredness the next morning which influences the experience of me within and throughout the entire day, instead of remaining here as the breath as me in every moment.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to wake up in the morning as the breath as me as the moment as me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that it’s the mind that struggles to wake up in the morning – as it merges with me as me from the unconscious mind to the subconscious mind to the conscious mind – where it eventually later wakes up completely.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that in the mornings when I open my eyes and I accept and allow myself to participate in one singular thought – I activate all the workings / findings / manifestations the mind retrieved and obtained within the unconscious mind while I was being pre-occupied through dreams – referred to as sleeping and then allow and accept all such manifestations to infuse within me as me; and thus, I become such manifestations as thought patterns and behaviors within and of the unified consciousness field.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that sleeping is literal sleep – the complete submerge of me, as the mind does its work because I as who I am is not aware.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that awakening and awake that exist within and of the unified consciousness field is the awake and awaking of the mind in its entirety – that is not to be awake, but to live practically as who I am which is here as the moment as the breath as me because for ‘awake / awakening’ to exist – ‘sleep / sleeping’ must exist – the awake /awaking for the mind of the mind and the sleep/sleeping for me of me, disappearing into the background within myself until I no longer exist and only the mind as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become exists as me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I have always been asleep – the actual sleeping of me as the manifested experience thereof is proof – as the mind exits always, the mind is always active –and thus proof that I have never actually practically lived before as who I am as the breath as the moment as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have never actually practically lived as who I am as the breath as the moment as me – but that I have always accepted and allowed the mind to control and direct and influence me through believing and perceiving that who I am is thoughts/feelings/and emotions.

 

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the human physical body of life – from the breath – not realizing that breath is life as me nurturing the expression and manifestation of life as the human physical body – I am here – I am moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be submerged within and as myself through allowing and accepting myself to be and become the mind consciousness system – because I have believed the lie that I need to be and become the mind consciousness system to survive and exist within and as the unified consciousness field.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become the mind consciousness system – to be of thoughts, feelings and emotions – because it’s what and who everyone else has become as those that have gone before me which I have believed and trusted to be ‘my example’ – instead of realizing that the unconditional innocence of self-expression of life that exists as the moment as the breath of life as me – the simplicity of practical living exists here as the moment as the breath within and as oneness and equality as the human physical body as the manifestation of life as life of me as me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am simplicity.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that I am the breath as life of life as me.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that the very manifestation of creation as me of life within and as oneness and equality is here as the human physical body of the breath of life as me.

Day 19 – Procrastination

I oftentimes am faced with a task whether it is at work, or at home, or with my writings in self-forgiveness that I simply do not want to do when the time comes.  I put things off until I ‘have to’ do them because often-times I perceive these tasks as interfering with my ability to ‘live life my way’ and ‘have fun’ and also because I resent ‘having’ to do things when I do not feel like doing them.  I even get a little angry if pressed to do a task that I don’t feel like doing.

 

What I have failed to realize is that procrastination is a state and a trait of the mind from the perspective of not taking action immediately in the moment when the moment arrives of something that is required to be done or give direction to - which assists me to live in the past and not in the moment here as breath because when I procrastinate I am always living with that task that needs to be done moment to moment instead of just doing it and moving on to the next moment clear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when something is asked of me to be done or something is required of me to be done within a moment – say: “nay, I’ll do it later, I don’t want to do it now’ – instead of moving myself to do it in the here moment.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be trapped within the ‘now’ of consciousness by not doing what is required of me to be done in a moment, thereby accumulating ‘unfulfilled’ moments within myself – whereby I am literally still trapped in those moments – and thus, of the past.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk as breath, wherein I, in every moment, direct myself within what is here and what is required to be done – in the moment, immediately.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate constantly and continuously as regards to writing self-forgiveness and taking responsibility to stop my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that procrastination is a state and a trait of the mind from the perspective of not taking action immediately in the moment when the moment arrives of something that is required to be done or give direction to. And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that procrastination assists the mind consciousness system to– remain in the ‘now’ of the unified consciousness field because it assists and supports the mind consciousness system in remaining in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when procrastination starts becoming a habit of behavior – wherein a moment is here to be given direction to immediately, to instantaneously act, to ‘fulfill’ this moment so that I am able to continue to the next moment, empty and clear for the next ‘placement’ of movement and direction in my world to step forth – I am taking past moments and placing them into my current moment and therefore existing in the past, which is referred to as the ‘now of consciousness’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a habitual behavior of laziness through constantly and continuously procrastinating – putting things off for the future – creating and manifesting the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind, to which I’ve become addicted.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the ‘feeling’ derived from laziness to my definition of ‘happiness and fulfillment’ and ‘living life’; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that I am ‘living life’ when I am able to ‘do things my way and on my time’ not realizing that I am just addicted to the feeling of being lazy and procrastinating, and therefor just fucking with myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself see, realize, and understand that when procrastination becomes a habit – where I constantly, continually always procrastinate – what happens within the development of me as procrastination is that a relationship formation is designed within and as my mind, as a habit; and this habit infuses into my human physical body, which designs the feeling of laziness.

 

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that laziness is a feeling coming from the source construct, design, habit and behavior of procrastination.  Within this realization, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that laziness is therefore a drug of the mind, the consequential outflow of procrastination.

 

Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate instead of applying self-discipline, self-will and self-motivation – and direct every moment, in the moment, as me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when asked in a moment to do a certain task, become irritated, angry, etc., and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that this reaction is an effectual side-effect of laziness, which comes from the source point as procrastination.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind – whereby I have come to believe that I am unable to move and direct myself in my world – completely accepting myself as the self-definition of ‘I am a lazy person’ – through which I limit myself to the utmost degree.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to laziness and the feeling of laziness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ‘fulfilled’ according to my ability to put things off that I need to do in order to participate in activities that are more fun in the moment and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and manifest myself as ‘lazy’.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do anything, unless I can see an unpleasant consequence if I am not to do what I require to do – in the near future.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections as a way to handle things that I ‘fear’ may result in an unpleasant consequence if I am not able to do what I require to do – in the near future, as opposed to walking what is required to be done breath by breath in every here moment.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally move myself in every moment – but instead, put things off to a later moment, until I am almost too late and see that if I don’t quickly do what I’m supposed to do, I’ll get into trouble.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put things off that I need to do at work because I have defined these things as boring or tedious or repetitive in which I derive little pleasure not realizing that I am secretly desiring the feeling derived for laziness; and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest myself as lazy at work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that ‘I don’t feel like doing it right now’, ‘nah, I’ll do it later’, ‘ah, can’t I do it later, I don’t want to do it now’ when faced with a task that requires action and within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that these are the words of the drug of the mind as the manifestation of the being of laziness.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the threat and anticipation of trouble to move me instead of me moving myself as me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought and perceived threat of not making my process and therefore ceasing to exit to move me in regards to my process of self-forgiveness instead of me moving myself as me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing punishment and reward to exist as the two motivators in my world, in myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do something if I will be rewarded for it, or if not doing it will cause me to experience punishment.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to discipline myself within moving and directing myself in every here moment – but instead, allow myself to ‘slack’ and ‘slip’ into laziness.

 

I forgive myself for not applying self-will in every moment, where I will myself to live as me in self-movement, self-direction, self-responsibility and self-honesty in every here moment.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to apply self-will when there is a task at hand, to will myself in walking through the resistance and getting it done – but instead, allow myself to use excuses and justifications to make me believe that it is ‘okay’ to procrastinate and be lazy.

 

When and as I see myself going into procrastination and laziness, I stop and I breathe.  Instead of putting a task off and therefore giving up my ‘here’ moment and living in the past, when something arrives in my moment that needs to be done, I give it attention and direction immediately, thus, remaining here as who I am in every moment of every breath.  I do not accept and allow myself to life in the ‘now’ of consciousness/the past by putting things off until another time.

 

When and as I see myself going into excuses and justifications to not get a specific task done in the moment it needs to be done, I stop and I breathe.  I recognize excuses and justifications such as “I don’t feel like it right now” or ‘I’ll do it later’ or ‘I don’t want to do it now’ and any emotions of anger or frustration or any desire to experience the feeling/drug of laziness that I have defined as ‘living life’ and ‘being happy’ as flag-points that indicate accepted and allowed procrastination and laziness. 

 

When and as I see myself only being motivated to do something for fear of punishment or desire for reward, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to be motivated by conditions outside of myself but rather I get done what needs to be done in any given moment as a point of self-direction and self-discipline and as an expression of life in equality and oneness as the breath because I see, realize, and understand that my only motivation is to remain here as the breath in every moment which only exists as my reality when I am getting things done in the moment that they require to be done.

 

When and as I see myself going into the emotion laziness I stop and I breathe.  I will myself into self-direction/self-discipline and say ‘yes’ and stand up and you go do what is required to be done, right here in the moment – and I walk through that resistance, that drug of the mind as the addiction that has become me. And then I sit back, and then it is done. And then I continue as the moment that is me.

Day 18 – Future Projection

Sometimes, I participate in cycles of future projections where I am imagining the ‘end’ before it’s here, forgetting the practical process that’s required to be walked to handle any particular situation, and comparing my future projections to where I am now in an effort to ‘see’ my way out of a situation that I fear happening to me. 

 

Sometimes, if a greatly fear a certain situation, I become possessed by these future projections to the extent that I literally ‘cannot’ stop them.  When this happens, I am ‘tuned-out’ to my immediate surroundings unable to listen or be ‘here’ with what is going on around me. 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and picture what my future will be like in x amount of days, months, years.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to project a future, in my mind, where I am able to make ‘ends’ meet in order to comfort myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my fear of not having enough money, to fear what I say and how I speak to customers in my business dealings because I may say something ‘wrong’ that would cause me to ‘loose’ money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future wherein I am wording everything just right so as to win my customers over and increase my income.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into compulsive future projections, when I am in fear of not having enough money and not speaking to customers the best possible way in order to have enough money, wherein I am repeatedly going over ‘scenes’ in my mind where I am doing and saying what is necessary to ensure having enough money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, think, and perceive that I cannot stop my mind when I am in fear of not having enough money, or in fear that I may have said something wrong to a customer that could result in my not having enough money; and to within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in my mind constantly projecting myself into a future event wherein I am speaking and making things go my way so that I will have enough money.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I project will happen in my mind, is real and will actually happen as I imagine it.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here in and as breath – but pre-occupy myself within my mind, entering an illusionary world where ‘everything will be better.’

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – instead of directing myself within my physical reality environment, to get things done that I require to do – imagine within my mind that I have already done those things and that I am enjoying the ‘end-result’ – while, in actual fact, I haven’t even started yet.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – instead of directing myself within my physical reality environment to get my self-forgiveness writings done that I require to do – to future project myself within my mind doing these writing and what the writings will be about and within that even become ‘excited’ while, in actual fact, I find a myriad of excuses and justifications to not even start, often times.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to comfort me when I am afraid of what will or might happen in the future.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to – in a moment make me feel better, instead of taking responsibility and doing what needs to be done to sort out myself and whatever situation that is dissatisfactory.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare my projected/imagined future to my current reality and, within comparison, judge my current reality as ‘worse’ than my projected/imagined future.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in judging my current reality as ‘worse’ than my projected/imagined future – immediately give up and believe that I am unable to change my current position or reality, because it looks like ‘a lot of work’ – giving up on myself before I have even started or given myself a chance.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply sit back, imagining how I would like things to be, waiting for someone else to come and ‘give it’ to me – instead of taking responsibility for myself, my experience and my environment – and moving myself to change myself and my world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to reach or attain ‘enlightenment’ or ‘Christ-consciousness’ which is but mind consciousness manifestations; and within that I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that who I am is here, in oneness and equality as the breath, as the living word.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit back and wait for something to happen to me, or to someone to come and ‘save’ me and rescue me, while I project out there, imagining what could be – making myself more miserable and more depressed – instead of standing up within me, within and as oneness and equality as myself, in self-honesty in directing me and my world accordingly, because I see, realize and understand that no one is going to come and ‘save’ me.

 

When and as I see myself going into future projections in regards to work, ‘relationships’, money, or any other reason, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow myself to ‘future project’, beyond what may be necessary as a practical tool, because I see, realize, and understand that by my participating in future projections I am not living as life – as the breath, but I am lost in my mind.  Instead of participating in ‘future projections’ I walk moment to moment, only here with what is here in my direct moment in my reality, day to day– and simply just don’t participate in future projections and unnecessary cycling into time-loops that’ll just prolong my process.

 

When and as I see myself going into imaginings of ‘going there’, of delusions of ‘going there’ or ‘getting somewhere’ or ‘reaching something’ or ‘attaining something’ or ‘discovering something’, ‘or solving a problem having to do with relationships or money or any reason that ‘threatens’ my survival’ I stop and breath.  I remain here as breath; I stop the mind through self-forgiveness; I live self-honesty in the moment, and I live words as me as the expression of me as the living word.