Day 338 – Waiting for That Special Moment

I find myself waiting for that special moment, that special time in the day where things will be better.  This means that I am judging what I am doing throughout the day negatively.  This means that what I do in respect to my daily responsibilities I have judged as negative and boring.  The curious thing is that I don’t have anything specific in mind that will be more exciting that what I do in my daily routine.  I work for money, I work around the house, I tend to my responsibilities to my kids, my animals, and my yard, I do my writings, I do my research, I get some physical exercise, I reserve a little time for entertainment – yet, I still have this slight anxious feeling throughout it all, that I need to be doing something more – that life needs to be just a little more fun, more exciting, more explosive even.  So, like, I am always just a little unsatisfied with everything that I do, looking forward to the next moment, not completely here.  Then, when it comes to the point that I do have some extra time, I go into the desire to have life the ultimate pleasurable experience and then start thinking of ways to achieve this.  When I think to myself, I should do more writing, or should clean up a bit with this extra time, I then react with fear, dread, and resistance towards these thoughts because I know that these activities will not yield the level of excitement that I am looking for and thus feel as if I will be unfulfilled if I do anything else than that which is most exciting.  Thus, I am always looking for that special moment of ultimate excitement, which acts like a point of self-sabotage, because that moment of ultimate excitement does really exist in the physical, it only exists in the mind as energy and that energy always collapse back into its source – the physical – leaving me here, right back where I started every time – looking for the next high, never here just living in the physical, fulfilled, complete in every moment of breath in the simplicity of just being right here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always be looking for that “special moment” where things are more exciting, fulfilling, pleasurable that they are right here and now in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “life is about living for those peak experiences of total excitement, total gratification, total pleasure” when I see, realize, and understand that I created this believe within and as myself based upon memories of how I defined life in the past based upon influences that I received from others, from TV, from pictures, images, and ideas about life – where I am dutifully living out the past instead of living right here in every moment of breath as the physical doing what is practical and best for all, only and always.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when moving self here as the physical, where self is here in every breath moving the physical body to do and accomplish the various tasks and responsibilities required throughout my day – that when I am here directing myself as the physical of no mind, that I am in fact really living, really fulfilling myself, really creating that special moment in a constant way where I am always living that special moment as myself here as the breath, as the physical.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from living every moment as that “special moment” here in breath as the physical / as the breath by believing that what I am apply myself towards, such as chores etc., is “not enough and that I need something more” and thus creating a form of restlessness and haste within and as myself as I rush towards completing my required tasks so that I can get to that special moment that exists only in my mind as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and participate in the need / desire to do activities that create more energetic experiences of excitement, gratification, pleasure while in the middle of doing the task / chore / responsibility at hand.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this desire is of the mind seeking to create more energy to sustain its existence on directive power over me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge taking care of my responsibilities as negative and thus believe that taking care of responsibilities is boring, unfulfilling, and unexciting when in fact this is all just energy games of the mind where I separate myself from here living as the physical and as the breath when and as I participate in this energy and believe that it is me.

I forgive myself that I have neglected to live the realization that I am here as the physical already complete, already fulfilled, already entertained, already living my life’s purpose when and as I am here living as the breath as the physical moving with my body and paying attention to absolute detail of what I do in every moment of breath.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that through my believing and participating in the mind and its desire for stimulating experiences thus judging and believing all of my ordinary chores and responsibilities to be unfulfilling, that I am creating stress and tension, within and as my mind and body, that accumulates to a point of needed to release and let it all out – in that special moment wherein I become mind possessed to just only do whatever it is that will make me feel that most release and bring the most energy – when all along, I have been neglecting that every moment of breath here as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not accept and allowed myself to question my desires, my need for excitement, my need for something more than just simply doing what is practical for my survival and what is best for all within the point of “why?  Why do I need something more?  What will it bring me that I am not already living here as the physical?”

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the extreme foolishness of living for a future moment in time of imagined great excitement, fulfillment, pleasure, and gratification because even when those moments come in to being, they only last for a very short time only to have me wanting more, thus trapping me in endless cycles of self abuse where I separate myself from living here as the physical and into and as cycles of positive and negative energy, this keeping me trapped in time, in the same place never moving, never expanding, never really living – where I am trapped eternally living only for that positive energetic experience that lasts only for so long and thus does not really even exist.  Thus, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that so long as I live for positive energetic experiences where I neglect myself here as the physical and my potential for the ultimate satisfactions, pleasure, gratification, excitement, purpose, and true living as the physical where I live these points eternally as who I am in every moment as the physical – that so long as I am living for positive energy – I DO NOT REALLY EXIST – and am frozen in place, trapped, controlled, and directed by energy.

When and as I see myself going into the desire, belief, and judgment that simply doing what is required for my survival and what is best for all in every moment, is somehow not good enough for me and that I need something more than simply being right here within and as my physical body, breathing – I stop and I breathe.  I ask myself why?  What’s the point?  I see, realize, and understand that this desire only comes from the starting point of my mind finding ways to generate energy to perpetuate its existence and thus, I do not accept and allow myself to participate in this any longer.  I direct myself to stop these thoughts, opinions, judgments, beliefs, and desire for something more than what is right here through deleting these constructs when and as they come up and breathing.  I direct myself to ask myself questions as to why these constructs are coming up so that I can slow myself down and look at them for what they are and thus assist myself in directing myself to stop my participation in them.  I direct myself to speak self-forgiveness in the moment in order to dissipate the energy.  I direct myself to start moving myself physical in and towards what is most relevant for my survival and what is best for all.  I direct myself to stop my mind and breath and get into all the movements of my physical body so that I can assist myself to ground myself here as the physical – where I really live as myself here in every breath the words that I am (no longer) seeking to live as energetic experiences of the mind.