Day 334 – Overwhelmed

As of right now, I am overwhelmed.  I have pressing issues at work with a net result of not making much money over the next 30 days or so.  I have a ton of bills.  I have other job-type opportunities that I would like to start to see if I can replace my job with something better, but am not able to get to any of these as of right now due to just being too busy.  I have a ton of housework to take care of.  I have a tooth that is slightly cracked and therefore it is difficult to identify which tooth it is for sure, but it is there for sure and will need to be crowned if I can identify it before it cracks all the way and I loose it altogether.  The crown will cost $800 or $900 and that’s if I can find the crack in time.  I have a windshield that needs to be replaced in order for my car to pass inspection.  And now finally, I dropped a metal toothpick holder on my cell phone and it just cracked and thus now I have to replace the glass cover or my cell phone altogether.  This just happened and due to all the other issues pressing down on me financially, I got a little pissed and very disappointed.  Then my son just evaded any type of talk regarding chores to do around the house, once again, in his magnificently brilliant way, of which pissed me off a bit too, especially with all the other shit on my mind.  Then, of course, there are my Desteni writings that I need to keep up with.  Yet, no matter what I apply myself towards, I feel as if it is not enough, or not fast enough, or not going to ameliorate my situation because I have like 10 things that need addressing all at ounce and I need more money than I can make at this time and thus I feel like I am wasting my time no matter what I do / no matter what responsibility I assume or take on or chore I apply myself too because what I need to have done requires more resources than I have right here, right now.  So, my overall experience is just simply being that of overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.  Not a single action I take seems to put me at ease.  I have the sense of tension, defeatedness, inadequacy, along with self-judgments like “I am not able to run my life effectively” and “there must be something wrong with me because I cannot seem to keep it altogether” then there is also blame, like, there is just too much at once for me to handle or like this world is too expensive.  So, I am in a bit of a mess right now.  I don’t seem to be able to settle down and just focus.  I feel defeated.   Self defeated.  What I want to do is escape and veg out and just do nothing.  That makes me feel better about the fact that I feel that I cannot do anything that will be effective enough to remedy my situation.  But, then doing nothing gets me depressed and then I feel like I am wasting my time, my precious time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed with my current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my situation with thoughts like “I am not good enough” / “I am not able to manage my life”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself react with overwhelmingness to all the things, responsibilities, and potential costs that I am facing right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot remain here and simply direct myself to do what is best for my situation breath by breath and step by step where I just do what it is that I can do with where I am now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with / step into the “I want give up and go hide and escape” character to my current situation and my reaction of overwhelmingness to my current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and blame when and as and to my cell phone cracking and breaking when an object just fell on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the potential cost of my cell phone breaking, which is on top of all the other costs I am facing along with low income at this time at my current job.   Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the potential costs that I face have authority and power over me; and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus feel disempowered by the financial strain that I am under right now and then from that disempowerment react in anger and blame / blaming life / blaming objects that fell on my phone due to gravity / even looking to blame possibly the one who placed that object in the position where it fell from / blaming the current money system for being so “oppressive” in nature – in order for me to feel more powerful / in control and also release the negative energy of feeling disempowered and overwhelmed by my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create within and as myself the illusion of a positive empowering energy experience through the outburst and release of an anger / frustration reaction directed at life in general where I yell out “aarrghhh!!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to freeze up and be of no effect because I am in the energy of overwhelmedness and thus nothing that I set myself to do seems like enough or adequate to resolve my situation and the manifold responsibilities that I face right now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thought that “this is not enough”.  “I don’t have time to do this responsibly because I have so many other things to do at this same very time” and thus within participating in these thoughts, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a withdrawal character where I just don’t do anything at all.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply the simple task / self directive action of writing out a list of all the things I face and responsibilities that I have right now so that I can asses their true “threat” and also map out the best course of action to take to resolve all of them.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that no matter what I face, how many simultaneous responsibilities facing me at once, and no matter how “bad” it gets, that I can always choose to remain here and breath and align myself and stand within and as the physical as who I am – where no mind reactions exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in nervous energy to my overwhelmedness and then pace around the house looking for something to do or distract me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure that cannot keep “bad” things from happening to him.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge having financial hardship as “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent because no matter how hard I try, I always seem to mess up somewhere.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I may express the point of incompetency at times in certain applications, but that does mean that the totality of who I am is “incompetent”.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as incompetent and then react with depression instead of just looking at what I have shown incompetency with and finding ways to resolve those points and bring myself into competency in those points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the backchat that “life is just too much and that I cannot handle what comes at me and will never be able to stave of financial difficulty”.

I commit myself to stand here and breathe and stop the backchats, emotional reactions, beliefs, and judgments that add up, layer, and accumulate to a point of feeling overwhelmed and then wanting to give up and do nothing.

I commit myself to map out what I face on paper, this evening, assess the individual as well as their combined consequences and remedies, and then commit myself breathe and simply move myself to do what is necessary to bring about the best possible solution in the most practical way.

When and as the overwhelming energy comes up, and I react with nervousness, fear and anxiety and the desire to give up, and pacing around the house looking for something to do and distract me – I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allowed myself to go into the overwhelmed character because I see, realize, and understand that this is just self-sabotage and does not represent reality at all and does not help in me in any way whatsoever.  I commit myself to thus, stand up, breathe, and stop my mind to thus dissipate this energy until I am clear.  From here, I commit myself to list what I need to do and then do what is most effective and work myself down the list in a practical way.