Day 340 – Blowing my lid

Yesterday, I let a little “steam-out” as a reaction to not being able to get a hold of a sub-contractor that was doing some work for me.  I needed him to complete 2 jobs that he did poor work on, of which I had already paid him for.  Not being able to get a hold of him triggered a few reactions as listed below:

Memories:

• -         I remembered that in the past (before these 2 jobs) that he has done this before.  This memory triggered anger and frustration.
  Thoughts:
• -         “What if he doesn’t call back and keeps the materials.  That would cost me like $500”
• -         “He is such an asshole!”
• -         “I couldn’t afford it if he were to just not call back”
• -         “He has total power and control over me because I need him and have no way to get a hold of him”
• -         Feeling stupid for trusting him to do work for me when I know / remember that he has let me done in the past through doing ½ ass work.
  Emotions
• -         Fear, anger, frustration, powerlessness
• -         Fear of him just disappearing thus leaving me with liabilities.
• -         Fear of not reacting in anger and fear because it seemed like if I weren’t that I was doing nothing about the situation and thus powerless
   
  The memory of him doing things like this in the past was like a breaking point / justification for me to react in anger wherein my voice became louder and slightly more high pitched, I started talking faster, I started talking to myself out-loud basically “cursing” him.  Saying things like “that fucker!” 
  I has there, in awareness, within the point that I knew what was going on and that I could choose to just breathe, but that seemed like to much to bear do to the potential liability forced upon me should he really just not call me back and also the memories of him letting me down like this in the past and then also feeling a bit “stupid” for it and also powerless to do anything about whether he would call me back or not.  This triggered an anger reaction, which helped relieve all the energy and gave the illusion that I was doing something about it and taking my power back.  So, I chose to react instead of breathe.  I justified this because I felt / feared that I could not bear the consequences of this situation should it not go “my way” and that I just breathing and remaining here was like not doing anything about it. 
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and frustration at the point of not being able to get a hold of X because of memories of X letting me down in the past.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger and frustration at the point of not being able to get a hold of X because I felt powerless in this situation / like he had total control over me, and reacting in anger created the illusion of power within and as me.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat like “he is such an asshole!  I cannot count on him!  He always let’s me down!” of which serve no practical purpose and only serve to fuel and charge emotional reactions such as anger, powerlessness, frustration.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that X and this specific situation had power of me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with disempowerment to and towards this situation within the point that I really am not able to do anything about should he choose to not ever call me back.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that, although it is true that I have not power to have him call me back and thus my fate in this situation is up to him within that point, my power resides here within me as the physical and as the breath in every moment of breath that I remain here and breathe as the breath and as the physical / as physicality – and that only when I accept and allow myself to go into backchat and reaction do I really give my power away.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, in that moment, that I cannot stand through the worst case scenario, which is X not calling me back and me being left with a bill.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misplace my power to within and as my ability to control events, people, circumstances, instead of placing my power within and as me here as the physical in every moment of breath as the breath.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that if I had been living the expression of power as who I am here in every breath as the physical – where I live power as who I am – that I would not have the need or desire to experience power within reacting in anger and controlling events; and I would also not react with feeling disempowered.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to this situation with feeling disempowered.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to feeling disempowered by going into the emotional reaction of anger / frustration of which creates the illusionary experience of being empowered, but only servers to disempower me even more.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to the thought “that he may not call me back and finish his work which would cost me lot’s of money”.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with more thoughts like “he is such an asshole” which only serves to make me feel better / more superior about myself and compared to him, which comes from a starting point of feeling inferior to this situation wherein I am experiencing powerlessness and being disempowered.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this circumstance to act as a point of authority over me, wherein I am inferior to this situation that is superior to me.  From here, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger / frustration and backchat like “he is such an asshole” just to make myself feel better / more superior and empowered.
  I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when and as I am in that moment of feeling disempowered, inferior, insecure, and fearful of what I might have to face as a consequence to the situation that I am in – that this is that point where I go into the desire to react with positive feelings polarities to this equation like anger, superiority, etc, in order to create the illusion of being in power and being superior – but that this is just an illusion of the mind and not really equal and one living.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the desire to react in anger and frustration just so that I can create the illusion of power in superiority over this situation and over person X
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a mind possession of anger and frustration of person X wherein I started tensing up in my shoulder, talking faster and at a louder and high pitch, talking to myself while cursing person X, pacing around and about restlessly and aimlessly, and feeling like I could not just sit down because I had to expend energy somewhere and somehow until the energy of these emotions finally wound down.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in that moment of the situation, where I had awareness and the ability to choose life or death / the physical or the mind – to chose the mind / death / energy to protect me and to define me.
  When and as I see myself in a situation that is unpredictable and could wind up costing me money or some other thing that I do not want to loose and then I go into the desire to react in anger and frustration in order to create the experience of power and control, I stop and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that reacting in anger and frustration is not real power and does not do anything to put me in control.  Instead, I commit myself to stand and breathe and remind myself that real power is here within and as every breath – when I align myself within and as every breath as the physical and move as the physical to do what is best for all and most practical in every moment of breath.  True power is the ability to remain here in breath as the physical and as all as one as equal as self in every moment of breath.  From here, I direct myself to breathe and delete and forgive the backchats and emotions that are coming as they come up until I am clear and can stand as power as who I am here.
  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion that reacting in anger and frustration will do anything to protect me from what might happen.
  When and as I see myself reacting in feeling insecure, inferior, and powerless to a situation from which I do not have any real direct control and has the ability to force me into situations that would not be good for me, I stop and I breathe.  I see, realize, and understand that I am equal and one with all that is here and that within that there is no way possible that I can actually be inferior or powerless to anything since I am all things.  Instead, I realize that all that is here is merely showing me what I am and have been living within and as myself so that I can face myself.  I realize, that I can take my power back by aligning myself within and as self-honesty where I face myself for what I am and live every moment here as the breath where I not directed by the mind or energy.  Thus, I commit myself to speaking self-forgiveness out-loud in those moments of reacting in powerlessness and insecurity and inferiority, in order to assist myself to release myself in that moment from those emotional reactions and thus align myself here within and as the breath, as the physical as who I really am as all as one as equal – where my true power and my true equality lies.
  When and as I see myself going into a mind / physical possession of anger, frustration, anxiety about the future, and powerlessness, where my shoulders tense up, I pace about aimlessly, my voice raises in pitch and becomes louder – I stop and I breathe.  I realize that within this I am being completely controlled by my mind and thus have given ALL of my power away, ironically!  I also realize that participating in emotions and feelings drains my body of substance as it is converted and transformed into energy in order to sustain these mind possessions, thus aging me faster and breeding illness and disease within and as my physical.  I see, realize, and understand that I also am gaining nothing, no protection whatsoever by accepting and allowing these mind possessions.  Thus, I commit myself to, when and as I see that I am in a mind physical possession, to slow down and start breathing and re-aligning myself here to within and as the physical where I stop and release my body from the grip of the mind and breathe here.  I commit myself to breathe deeply in drawing the energies into my chest and then breathe out using the 4-count breath technique until I am stable, clear, and here. 
  When and as I see myself participating in the thought that “if I do not react in fear and anger, then I am doing nothing to protect myself from this situation” I stop, breathe, and delete.  I see, realize, and understand that this is complete bullshit and that it is always in my and everyone else’s best interest that I remain here in breath as the physical where I am able to be most effective.  Thus, I commit myself to delete that thought, and say to myself in a stern voice “no.  I am my protection here as the physical.  I can stand through anything here as the physical.  My power is here as the physical.” – in order to reprogram myself to be and remain here as the breath as my protection.