Day 382 – Stopping Negative Self-Judgments, III

When and as I am conversing with others and any energetic movement occurs in my mind / within and as me as my mind whatsoever, I stop and delete and direct my awareness to my breath, my physical body, and the being / beings that I am in conversation with and their words specifically.  I do not accept and allow any energetic movements to occur within and as me, positive or negative / thoughts or feelings or emotions, whatsoever, because I see, realize, and understand that these energetic movements that occur within and as my mind / me are only here to distract me from being right here within and as the physical and thus keep me separated from myself as all that is here and enslaved to energy.  I see, realize, and understand that once I start participating in these thoughts, feelings, fears, and emotions that pop-up  / arise within and as me triggered by the words and images of others that then I become entangled / entrapped within and as my mind, and within and as this entanglement I am no longer here able to fully listen and engage with others in effective communication and thus within I am actually manifesting what I fear in that others are judging me as stupid, boring, or weird.  I see, realize, and understand that primarily what comes up is either fears or desires of what to say in order to protect myself from loss or get what I want all within and as self interest / the self interest of living within and as energy and as ego.   I see, realize, and understand that others are not necessarily judging me in any way, positive or negative, whatsoever, and that others are definitely not the source of my own negative self judgments and that thus I am creating this / making this up within and as my mind in separation from what is actually physically here.  Thus, I commit myself to stand here within and as the breath, remind myself that I am already equal and one with others as who I am of life, and that I therefore have just as much to offer / share / express as any other being / form / substance in existence and that thus I am just living in an illusion of the mind that is not actually physically real.  I thus, commit myself to snap out of these negative self judgments wherein I fear that I am weird, or stupid, or boring, or not worthy to be conversed with by saying within and as my mind “No! I am not there judgments!  I am equal!  I am here!” and then breathe and delete and then do this as many times as necessary throughout the conversation to enable myself to remain here within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than or “not worthy” to have an equal and one conversation with others / certain beings who embody or express the point winning / being a winner in this system, while in conversation with.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as a reaction to these negative self judgments, recoil and become less talkative and to then start selecting carefully every word that comes from my mouth to ensure that it is “worthy” of being expressed, then also change my posture to that where my shoulders are slightly rolled forward and I move more slowly, speak more slowly and evenly, and then change my behavior to a more neutral stance conducive of keeping everyone happy and not being offending in any way whatsoever.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also start reacting to my own fears that I am being judged negatively, as stupid, not worthy, boring, a loser, and not interesting to others by and through analyzing / worrying about everything that I have said, will say, and also the words of others – all to make sure / ensure that I am remaining and being perceived as cool and acceptable all while in conversation and thus keeping me separate / creating separation and limiting my ability to really listen and increasing the chances of actually having these negative self judgments expressed by others for real, all for my own self interest of protecting my limited existence as an ego / not realizing that I am already equal and one and thus worthy just like all beings are / all of existence within the point that “unworthiness” does not even really exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project onto others my own negative self-judgments as if these judgments are coming from others instead of me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have severely limited myself in my accomplishments and self expression due to my participation and identification with these negative self judgments that I am not worthy, not cool, not funny, and boring as if these are really me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in and create the belief that I have to accomplish something, or make lots of money, or be someone special in someway wherein I am doing something that above average, in order for others to accept me and have a conversation with me and also in order for me to be and feel worthy, equal, and deserving of attention from others.

When and as I see myself going into negative self judgments wherein I judge myself as being unworthy of talking to others because I have not accomplished as much as they have or in someway perceive myself to be “less than them” and then as a reaction to these negative self-judgments and fears, I change my behavior, my mannerisms, my tone, my voice, and my dialogue in order to protect me from what I fear of which is being actually verbally judged and expressed as less than in some way by others and also being in actual fact less than and unworthy, I stop and I breathe.  I do not accept and allow this to exist within and as me because I see, realize, and understand that the point of being less than / unworthy / stupid / boring does not actually exist in fact and is just simply judgments of the mind that I am projecting onto others.  I see, realize, and understand that by participating in these negative self judgments and then reacting to them that I am compromising and undermining myself from remaining here as the physical in equality and oneness wherein I am already worthy, equal, and one with all that is here.  I see, realize, and understand that certain beings act as triggers to trigger me to have a complete personality change when and as I perceive myself to be less than / unworthy as compared to them in some way and that this is unacceptable.  I am to remain here constant and always the same as who I am as the physical in every breath.  Thus, I commit myself to remain here and delete and stop these backchats / negative self-judgments the moment they come up.  I direct myself to say to myself “NO! I am equal!  I am here!  I do not recoil in fear.  I stand and I breathe.  I am not these negative self judgments!”  I then direct myself to align my awareness to within and as the physical, my physical body / the breath, and also the words of the beings I am talking to where I stop all backchats that come up and listen within and as complete here ness.  I direct myself to keep my mind clear and silent and to remind myself that anything else is energy and thus self interest of either protecting me from loss or gaining something that I perceive that I am not or do not have when in fact this is un-true because I am all things already within and as the physical – and thus use this as a reference to enable myself to stop my mind and these negative self judgment patterns once and for all / progressively over time and consistency until eventually they do not exist within and as me at all and I can truly always remain here equal and one.