I have noticed a subconscious mind pattern of always looking for
the perfect words while conversation with others, especially those
who have something that I want. This shows me that I have a starting
point of fear of loss, fear of loss of sex, money, position,
privilege. It also shows me that I am manipulative and controlling
in that I am trying to control and manipulate others through the
careful choice of my words. It shows me that I also lack self trust
in that I don’t trust myself to be able to walk through any
potential adverse consequences that could come about from a poor
choice of words.
I also noticed, within this personality, that I am constantly
worried about how others are judging my words and voice intonations
as the come out and I am projecting that they are mostly judging me
negatively; and then from there I go into fear reactions, worries,
and concerns of how others are perceiving me while I am still talking
to them, where I am shifting into my mind, instead of remaining here
while listening and conversing. This shows me that I am judging,
myself negatively, I must have a poor self image as a backdrop to
this, and that I am making my conversation less effective in that I
am not here to respond as appropriately as I could if I were here
listening in full attentiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a
poor self image. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to imagine myself / my words / my voice
intonations from the “eyes” of others and immediately react with
the idea that others are judging me negatively. Within this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to
these projected negative self-judgments with adjustments in my
personality and behavior, in real time, within this point of trying
to present myself as amiably as possible as a means to manipulate and
control my self image in the eyes of others, when in fact it is in my
own eyes that I am in effect manipulating and controlling my own self
image. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to limit myself expression to only being able to
express within the confines of what I have deemed as “acceptable”
conduct in the eyes of others and my perceived expectations that they
hold of how I should act.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be
manipulative within my words and deeds in a means to make people like
me more all in and as a reaction and as a solution to the perception
that I created within and as myself that others are already judging
me negatively due to the fact that I projected my own negative self
judgments based upon my negative self image onto others as if they
are judging me, when it is I who am judging me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this pattern of
projecting negative self judgments of my words and voice intonations,
and then reacting to this perceived judgments with worries, fears,
imaginations about how the others is judging me, while in
conversation with others to exist within and as me. Within this I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this
pattern to be triggered when and as I am in conversation or about to
be in conversation, or reflecting back on a conversation with someone
of whom has something that I want or I have come to believe that I am
inferior to them in some way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe that this pattern of being worried about how others are
perceiving me while in conversation with them can actually protect me
in anyway whatsoever from what I fear, of which is being rejected,
ridiculed, or criticized.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear /
connect fear to the point of being ridiculed, criticized, and
rejected by someone of whom I want or need something from or I have
placed myself as inferior to. Within this, I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to react to this fear with
imaginations, projections, worries, concerns, and back-chats where I
start analyzing my own conversation while still in conversation,
wherein I then react to this with even more fear – all developing
into a form of slight paranoia – all while still in conversation of
which separates me from others even more and isolates me into the
confines of my own mind, thus creating exactly what I fear – being
rejected by others, but because of the fact that I am not listening
because I am consumed in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react
with insecurity when and as others are not responding to my words in
the way that I expect them to wherein I immediately assume that they
are negatively judging me and / or taking me in the wrong way.
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